Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went to Spain last year and Italy five years before that. I went back into therapy because the Spain trip was almost ruined for me because the anxiety was so intense. Like I said, the anxiety is just one of about a half dozen reasons.

My husband, honestly, has no interest in going to Israel and no problem saying he's not going to spend the time and money we can afford twice a decade to visit a place he has no interest in seeing when there are so many places he still wants to see.

Sorry, that was me, OP, quoted above.

I should be clear, I see then as a combo request: The Bat Mitzvah, which I'm willing to suck up and attend. And, an extended family group vacation to Israel, which I'm not willing to do. I can see the martyrish aspects to flying to Israel for 48 hours for a ceremony, but it's honestly the best I'm going to do. And the fact that even that is being seen as not quite good enough is really tempting me to forgo the whole thing.

So forgo it. Your brother will get over it. Sounds like it will do him good to hear a No.

Anonymous wrote:Don't go, send a nice gift, move on with your life. You can't please everyone. It's a lesson your daughter should learn anyway.

This.

Anonymous wrote:We went to Spain last year and Italy five years before that. I went back into therapy because the Spain trip was almost ruined for me because the anxiety was so intense. Like I said, the anxiety is just one of about a half dozen reasons.

My husband, honestly, has no interest in going to Israel and no problem saying he's not going to spend the time and money we can afford twice a decade to visit a place he has no interest in seeing when there are so many places he still wants to see.

Sorry, that was me, OP, quoted above.

I should be clear, I see then as a combo request: The Bat Mitzvah, which I'm willing to suck up and attend. And, an extended family group vacation to Israel, which I'm not willing to do. I can see the martyrish aspects to flying to Israel for 48 hours for a ceremony, but it's honestly the best I'm going to do. And the fact that even that is being seen as not quite good enough is really tempting me to forgo the whole thing.

We went to Spain last year and Italy five years before that. I went back into therapy because the Spain trip was almost ruined for me because the anxiety was so intense. Like I said, the anxiety is just one of about a half dozen reasons.

My husband, honestly, has no interest in going to Israel and no problem saying he's not going to spend the time and money we can afford twice a decade to visit a place he has no interest in seeing when there are so many places he still wants to see.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah in Israel and we are not attending. We cannot swing a trip like that for our family, and couldn't go without the kids for that long and that far away. Both sets of grandparents are going and one sibling of my BIL. They made the choice to do Israel for their own reasons and have not pushed that decision on any of us. I would love to be able to go, but we can't. Thankfully, that's where the disappointment ends. Her family has not second guessed our decision at all and has not burdened us with any guilt or influence. You're brother needs to let you make this decision for your family and respect your decision and understand it's not a slight against him. Can you do something really special for your nephew? Maybe take your daughter and him on a special outing to celebrate their bar mitzvahs?

Anonymous wrote:It's selfish to expect someone to spend that kind of money. Decline.

Not really. Not for a close family member like a sibling for such a special event. Especially because the OP stated that she does take long expensive vacations and that the family is very very close. A haven I believe she stated.

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

If your family is only loving when you do exactly what they say then close may not be the right way to describe it (I don't intend any snark with that statement). You should get to say no to this without worrying about being alienated and if you can't, well, you may not want to deal with the fallout but I think it'd be worth it to take a stand.

It's selfish to expect someone to spend that kind of money. Decline.

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

Well, look at it from his side. You are a really loving close family and his sister doesn't want to attend her nieces very special day. Yet you take long expensive vacations.

There are two sides here.

Can't you just share all of this heartfelt emotion with him? If you are close enough to be expected to participate in this type of event, shouldn't you be close enough to discuss? You have a diagnosed mental health issue.

I am curious though where were the long, expensive vacations in the past? All US only? If so, he should recognize that.

I also suffer from this but we have been fortunate to upgrade or use miles for first class. I sit with DH and kids happy as can be sitting together on iPads, eating, watching a movie. I am throwing up and they really don't notice or just say" sorry, mom." Not that traumatic - even see me hyperventilate. They know it's my issue but they still ask to travel?

OP. Yeah, not going sounds great. I just honestly, resent to the extreme that this is some sort of relationship referendum. We are a really close family. We all live locally and the cousins are extremely close.

I think half the reason I'm writing here is my family, normally a really loving haven for me, is feeling like some bizzaro world where everyone is thrilled to do this expensive, long group event, and I'm the odd one for not wanting to participate.

Don't go, send a nice gift, move on with your life. You can't please everyone. It's a lesson your daughter should learn anyway.

Those comments your brother made would seal the deal on me not attending. I can't stand to reward behavior like your brother's. And I'd just prep your daughter for the boycott in advance.

So don't go.

So, my brother's family has decided to hold my nephews Bar Mitzvah in Israel. They will be paying for a 3 day tour package for every guest. Airfare and any extended tour is up to the guests to manage. According to my brother, the grandparents, only other uncle, and a handful of other relatives are excited and thrilled to attend.

We are not. I could list about a half dozen reasons, but, at the end of the day, my family of four is not taking a vacation to Israel. So, basically, it's about me flying there solely for a 2 hour ceremony. One of the multiple reasons we are not going is I have severe flight anxiety, so basically this is not fun, it's actually rather horrifying, and I'd rather do the trip as quickly as possible and without my children. (This is not, by far, the only reason, but it's the only reason still in play if I alone go just for the ceremony)

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism. Basically, because we have taken long, expensive vacations in the past, we have no excuse for not doing this one. I find off of this extremely insulting. I'm still getting massive grief about just going for two days.

Honestly, I'd just blow the whole thing off if it weren't for the fact that my daughters Bat Mitzbah is 18 months later, and it would break her hear and mine if there were any tit for tat boycotting. However, the fact that if having family there is a priority, it would make sense not to make it hundreds of miles away from family.