Anonymous
05/06/2016 20:09
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
OP - If you are in Virginia, contact the Women's Center for some guidance on what your options are. Therapy there is at a set, much reduced rate., and it appears that you have a lot of issues coming down on your at once. However, you might also need to contact a battered women's shelter to see about developing a safe plan/way to leave. Be sure you do not use a phone where they would be calling you back and he might pick up or know of such calls. If you need to look up things online do not use a shared computer either.
You also need to consult a lawyer to put a plan in place for a legal separation and ask about what visitation or custody might be under the circumstances you have described. You need therapy to deal with a lot of issues confronting you, and it is hard to tell if you "are stable" enough to remain with DH while you figure things out or not or if you should get out with DC now. If he is as violent as you indicate, would you be willing to fill out a protective order? Do you have any family or close friends you could confide in and go to as a "safe house" while things get sorted out. You need to find at least one real professional to work with to sort things out and not just an anonymous board.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 19:11
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
. Please call a lawyer for a one hour consult to ask how to get him to leave the home safely. He is an abuser and you need to be strong to protect your toddler. Split from him asap before he attacks you or your DC.Anonymous wrote:I've been with my husband for over 10 years, we have a young child. Our relationship has never been perfect, fights were always horrible when we had them because we were so passionate and loved each other fiercely that our fights had the same amount of passion just negative. We both have mental health issues that make things get really bad, he has anger issues an addictive personality, and he is almost sociopathic in how he can just shut down. I have anxiety and tend to get depressed easily.
We went through fertility treatments to have our toddler. That put a huge strain on our relationship and just before the final Ivf cycle we were ready to split up. Then, I found out it worked and I was pregnant after many years of infertility. Things were much better and we were happy in our marriage and as parents. DH mentioned having a vasectomy almost immediately after our child was born and I urged him not to do it in case anything ever happen to our child that I would want to have more but I also agreed to only one child. After talking with my OB I was convinced with all our fertility issues that I wouldn't need BC.
Last year around this time, I found out I got pregnant accidentally and without intervention. My husband completely freaked out and immediately told me I had to have an abortion! I fought with him for weeks to agree to keep the baby. I don't believe in abortion for myself (I am prochoice, that's just not my choice). For weeks he threatened me with anything he could think of to get me to abort, suicide, leaving me, taking everything, etc. He had me so scared of being left pregnant and with a baby with no home, no money and no support that I caved and let him take me to have an abortion. I was so beaten down by his threats that I did what he wanted. He used our first child against me saying that he never wanted any children and that he gave me a child, for me, and now it was my turn to do something for him. He promised to be a better husband to me if I had the abortion. I still can't believe the man who loved me could ever ask me do this.
It's now been a year, I've put on 25 lbs from depression, on top of the weight i gained from the last 2 pregnancies and fertility treatments. I have been suicidal. He's become abusive during fights and cold and distant. I hate him so much it hurts to be around him. I haven't stopped thinking about the baby I gave up over the last year. I blame him for everything I'm feeling and he always shoots back that it was ultimately my choice to "lay on that table and spread my legs". I believe all the volatility is starting to affect my toddler's emotional development and my child has witnessed my husband be violent with me on many occasions.
I know I need to leave but I am terrified of what my husband will do. This man I once loved so much has become a complete stranger I am terrified of him.
From one who has been there...
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:57
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
What is your job situation? And where are your parents/siblings?
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:50
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mine said alot of the same things along with the other threats. I also wish I had been strong enough to do it alone. I hate myself for what has happened, maybe more than I hate him.
For every thought you have about what's happened, force yourself to think about your life without him.
Are you afraid you can't live independently, or afraid of what he'll do?
OP here. It's both really.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:50
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
Anonymous wrote:Are you in Montgomery County? If so, the Family Justice Center can help. It's a one stop shop with help with protective orders, counseling, phones, day care, housing, clothing, job skills, etc.
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/
No, I'm not.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:38
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
OP here. Mine said alot of the same things along with the other threats. I also wish I had been strong enough to do it alone. I hate myself for what has happened, maybe more than I hate him.
For every thought you have about what's happened, force yourself to think about your life without him.
Are you afraid you can't live independently, or afraid of what he'll do?
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:34
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
Are you in Montgomery County? If so, the Family Justice Center can help. It's a one stop shop with help with protective orders, counseling, phones, day care, housing, clothing, job skills, etc.
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/
Anonymous
05/06/2016 18:25
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry.
I am not exactly in the same situation, but after years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, we had our children. A few years after that, I got pregnant again. Dh freaked out and I had an abortion.
Worst decision ever.
Go get therapy NOW. You will come to hate yourself and your husband. Leave him. No man should pressure his wife -his WIFE! - to have an abortion. I'm trying to forgive him (and myself) but it is so so so so so so so hard. And I just don't love him like I once did. And it wasn't a volatile relationship, no aggression, no yelling, no fights.
My friend had her first one in her 20's, was told she couldn't have anymore kids so they never used birth control. At age 40 she became pregnant, was happy as heck. To this day I am shocked when she confided what her crap of a husband said to her. Same stuff, threats, abortion and I guess it was horrible. Thankfully she told him he could leave, but she was having her child. He stayed, she had the baby and they divorced 3 years later. He pays her support, and she is now happily re-married.
I wish I'd been that strong. But it wasn't that forceful angry sort of pressure. It was the "I can't handle it/afford it/I don't want another baby" sort of pressure ... it was about his happiness sort of pressure. I hate him for it.
OP here. Mine said alot of the same things along with the other threats. I also wish I had been strong enough to do it alone. I hate myself for what has happened, maybe more than I hate him.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 15:35
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
My sister is currently married to a drug addict, violent cheating piece of shit. She's afraid of him too. So afraid she stays up all night when he's home and sleeps all day when he's gone. Her breaking point came when he wrecked their car coming home from a date. Yeah. A date.
She called me up, we made a plan, I went and got her. When he called screaming on the phone at me to put my sister on or he'd burn down my house, I calmly told him if I see him anywhere near my house or my sister I would kill him. And I meant every word I said. I am not afraid to go to prison to protect my sister. I doubt a jury would convict me and if they did, so be it.
Haven't heard a peep out of him since. She's here, safe, we fully support her no matter what. She's a mess. Shakes like she's shivering. I don't care what she needs, don't care about costs, she is NEVER going back to that feral animal.
Leave girl. Now. Before you lose any nerve you may have. Make sure wherever you go there is someone there to protect you and get you through this,
Do it now !
She called me up, we made a plan, I went and got her. When he called screaming on the phone at me to put my sister on or he'd burn down my house, I calmly told him if I see him anywhere near my house or my sister I would kill him. And I meant every word I said. I am not afraid to go to prison to protect my sister. I doubt a jury would convict me and if they did, so be it.
Haven't heard a peep out of him since. She's here, safe, we fully support her no matter what. She's a mess. Shakes like she's shivering. I don't care what she needs, don't care about costs, she is NEVER going back to that feral animal.
Leave girl. Now. Before you lose any nerve you may have. Make sure wherever you go there is someone there to protect you and get you through this,
Do it now !
Anonymous
05/06/2016 15:25
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
I would despise him too for doing that. Whether I stayed or not, love would be gone forever.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 15:15
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry.
I am not exactly in the same situation, but after years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, we had our children. A few years after that, I got pregnant again. Dh freaked out and I had an abortion.
Worst decision ever.
Go get therapy NOW. You will come to hate yourself and your husband. Leave him. No man should pressure his wife -his WIFE! - to have an abortion. I'm trying to forgive him (and myself) but it is so so so so so so so hard. And I just don't love him like I once did. And it wasn't a volatile relationship, no aggression, no yelling, no fights.
My friend had her first one in her 20's, was told she couldn't have anymore kids so they never used birth control. At age 40 she became pregnant, was happy as heck. To this day I am shocked when she confided what her crap of a husband said to her. Same stuff, threats, abortion and I guess it was horrible. Thankfully she told him he could leave, but she was having her child. He stayed, she had the baby and they divorced 3 years later. He pays her support, and she is now happily re-married.
I wish I'd been that strong. But it wasn't that forceful angry sort of pressure. It was the "I can't handle it/afford it/I don't want another baby" sort of pressure ... it was about his happiness sort of pressure. I hate him for it.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 15:00
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry.
I am not exactly in the same situation, but after years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, we had our children. A few years after that, I got pregnant again. Dh freaked out and I had an abortion.
Worst decision ever.
Go get therapy NOW. You will come to hate yourself and your husband. Leave him. No man should pressure his wife -his WIFE! - to have an abortion. I'm trying to forgive him (and myself) but it is so so so so so so so hard. And I just don't love him like I once did. And it wasn't a volatile relationship, no aggression, no yelling, no fights.
My friend had her first one in her 20's, was told she couldn't have anymore kids so they never used birth control. At age 40 she became pregnant, was happy as heck. To this day I am shocked when she confided what her crap of a husband said to her. Same stuff, threats, abortion and I guess it was horrible. Thankfully she told him he could leave, but she was having her child. He stayed, she had the baby and they divorced 3 years later. He pays her support, and she is now happily re-married.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 14:55
Subject: Re:Need to muster up the strength to leave
What a pos this guy is, but I have to say I was with a guy like this. When someone keeps beating you down after awhile you start to believe it. I can only suggest at this point take back control. Get yourself healthy, diet, mind, exercise so your thinking is spot on.
You can't erase the past so it's imperative that you try to stop dwelling on it. You could divorce him and maybe someday have another child with a real partner.
I went through something similar. The guy I was with started to get abusive quickly, little things at first. Then I grew suspicious because he wasn't coming home after work until 2-3 hours later without an explanation. Long story, he was cheating on me and made a vague statement that he hoped I would be ok...meaning he was planning to leave. He was stringing me along, and using me.
When I told him I was pregnant he didn't take the news well. (kodak moment) His true colors came out because instead of being happy about our future he threatened me and same stuff about the abortion. Basically I laughed in his face, and told him his stuff would be moved to a storage facility and I would give him a key, LOL. And that my lawyer would be in contact with him for birthing costs, insurance, and child support. I didn't bother to tell him I knew all along he was cheating, and his lies about us getting married etc. were just that.
My reaction was to put myself first and my goals, it all worked out and my life is great. I can only encourage you to do that same, and if you need therapy try it but I would get out of there pretty quick if I were you and do not argue with him. If he get's mad, leave the house or room. He can have his tantrum on his own.
You can't erase the past so it's imperative that you try to stop dwelling on it. You could divorce him and maybe someday have another child with a real partner.
I went through something similar. The guy I was with started to get abusive quickly, little things at first. Then I grew suspicious because he wasn't coming home after work until 2-3 hours later without an explanation. Long story, he was cheating on me and made a vague statement that he hoped I would be ok...meaning he was planning to leave. He was stringing me along, and using me.
When I told him I was pregnant he didn't take the news well. (kodak moment) His true colors came out because instead of being happy about our future he threatened me and same stuff about the abortion. Basically I laughed in his face, and told him his stuff would be moved to a storage facility and I would give him a key, LOL. And that my lawyer would be in contact with him for birthing costs, insurance, and child support. I didn't bother to tell him I knew all along he was cheating, and his lies about us getting married etc. were just that.
My reaction was to put myself first and my goals, it all worked out and my life is great. I can only encourage you to do that same, and if you need therapy try it but I would get out of there pretty quick if I were you and do not argue with him. If he get's mad, leave the house or room. He can have his tantrum on his own.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 14:43
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
I am so sorry.
I am not exactly in the same situation, but after years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, we had our children. A few years after that, I got pregnant again. Dh freaked out and I had an abortion.
Worst decision ever.
Go get therapy NOW. You will come to hate yourself and your husband. Leave him. No man should pressure his wife -his WIFE! - to have an abortion. I'm trying to forgive him (and myself) but it is so so so so so so so hard. And I just don't love him like I once did. And it wasn't a volatile relationship, no aggression, no yelling, no fights.
I am not exactly in the same situation, but after years of miscarriages and fertility treatments, we had our children. A few years after that, I got pregnant again. Dh freaked out and I had an abortion.
Worst decision ever.
Go get therapy NOW. You will come to hate yourself and your husband. Leave him. No man should pressure his wife -his WIFE! - to have an abortion. I'm trying to forgive him (and myself) but it is so so so so so so so hard. And I just don't love him like I once did. And it wasn't a volatile relationship, no aggression, no yelling, no fights.
Anonymous
05/06/2016 14:33
Subject: Need to muster up the strength to leave
I've been with my husband for over 10 years, we have a young child. Our relationship has never been perfect, fights were always horrible when we had them because we were so passionate and loved each other fiercely that our fights had the same amount of passion just negative. We both have mental health issues that make things get really bad, he has anger issues an addictive personality, and he is almost sociopathic in how he can just shut down. I have anxiety and tend to get depressed easily.
We went through fertility treatments to have our toddler. That put a huge strain on our relationship and just before the final Ivf cycle we were ready to split up. Then, I found out it worked and I was pregnant after many years of infertility. Things were much better and we were happy in our marriage and as parents. DH mentioned having a vasectomy almost immediately after our child was born and I urged him not to do it in case anything ever happen to our child that I would want to have more but I also agreed to only one child. After talking with my OB I was convinced with all our fertility issues that I wouldn't need BC.
Last year around this time, I found out I got pregnant accidentally and without intervention. My husband completely freaked out and immediately told me I had to have an abortion! I fought with him for weeks to agree to keep the baby. I don't believe in abortion for myself (I am prochoice, that's just not my choice). For weeks he threatened me with anything he could think of to get me to abort, suicide, leaving me, taking everything, etc. He had me so scared of being left pregnant and with a baby with no home, no money and no support that I caved and let him take me to have an abortion. I was so beaten down by his threats that I did what he wanted. He used our first child against me saying that he never wanted any children and that he gave me a child, for me, and now it was my turn to do something for him. He promised to be a better husband to me if I had the abortion. I still can't believe the man who loved me could ever ask me do this.
It's now been a year, I've put on 25 lbs from depression, on top of the weight i gained from the last 2 pregnancies and fertility treatments. I have been suicidal. He's become abusive during fights and cold and distant. I hate him so much it hurts to be around him. I haven't stopped thinking about the baby I gave up over the last year. I blame him for everything I'm feeling and he always shoots back that it was ultimately my choice to "lay on that table and spread my legs". I believe all the volatility is starting to affect my toddler's emotional development and my child has witnessed my husband be violent with me on many occasions.
I know I need to leave but I am terrified of what my husband will do. This man I once loved so much has become a complete stranger I am terrified of him.
We went through fertility treatments to have our toddler. That put a huge strain on our relationship and just before the final Ivf cycle we were ready to split up. Then, I found out it worked and I was pregnant after many years of infertility. Things were much better and we were happy in our marriage and as parents. DH mentioned having a vasectomy almost immediately after our child was born and I urged him not to do it in case anything ever happen to our child that I would want to have more but I also agreed to only one child. After talking with my OB I was convinced with all our fertility issues that I wouldn't need BC.
Last year around this time, I found out I got pregnant accidentally and without intervention. My husband completely freaked out and immediately told me I had to have an abortion! I fought with him for weeks to agree to keep the baby. I don't believe in abortion for myself (I am prochoice, that's just not my choice). For weeks he threatened me with anything he could think of to get me to abort, suicide, leaving me, taking everything, etc. He had me so scared of being left pregnant and with a baby with no home, no money and no support that I caved and let him take me to have an abortion. I was so beaten down by his threats that I did what he wanted. He used our first child against me saying that he never wanted any children and that he gave me a child, for me, and now it was my turn to do something for him. He promised to be a better husband to me if I had the abortion. I still can't believe the man who loved me could ever ask me do this.
It's now been a year, I've put on 25 lbs from depression, on top of the weight i gained from the last 2 pregnancies and fertility treatments. I have been suicidal. He's become abusive during fights and cold and distant. I hate him so much it hurts to be around him. I haven't stopped thinking about the baby I gave up over the last year. I blame him for everything I'm feeling and he always shoots back that it was ultimately my choice to "lay on that table and spread my legs". I believe all the volatility is starting to affect my toddler's emotional development and my child has witnessed my husband be violent with me on many occasions.
I know I need to leave but I am terrified of what my husband will do. This man I once loved so much has become a complete stranger I am terrified of him.