DH here. I know it's hard but I'd try to let her vent. Just think of it as you are doing it for her.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you are fine with her venting but feel like you need to confine it so it doesn't take over your whole night. Then she gets 20 minutes (or whatever) to vent and you just make understanding noises, etc. and then after that she's done and you have to talk about other stuff.

My DH and I both vent about our annoying days at each other and I think it's fine. I don't feel like he's "dumping" on me b/c he's not asking me to solve his problems and is not being negative towards me, just complaining about other things. But if complaining is all you hear, or if she is actually being mean to you, then that does sound like a real bummer to be around.

We do something like this. I promise to ask about his day, and he promises to limit how long he spends venting about his awful boss. That allows me to initiate the conversation when I'm ready (i.e., not the second I walk in the door) and he gets to vent. And it doesn't take over the whole evening.

First, she needs to feel you've heard her and that you understand the issues and how tough she has it. Women often don't feel heard, so they go on and on, trying to get some soothing response from men. And men, in hearing women vent, don't necessarily respond well, because they feel helpless and overwhelmed by the negative. Men want to fix things and be done with it. The venting stresses them. Women often find venting relieves stress.

You could research some therapists she might talk to, so you have those names ready. Then have a talk with her about how you hear and understand how tough things are for her, and you sympathize and wish you could fix it, but you can't really do anything. Acknowledge that often men and women react differently to venting, and how it is for you versus her. And tell her that hearing so much negativity when you can't fix it is getting you depressed and stressed, and that you want to spend more time with her focusing on positive things. And that you can see it helps her to vent, and she needs someone to vent to who can be a good ear, who won't get upset to see her stressed, and who may be able to offer her good insights on things. And then, if she's amenable to that, get to work with her to get things set up with a therapist.

Can you preempt the venting sessions by saying something positive/nice before she has a chance to start? A hug or a compliment might go a long way. Or, bring up a topic that you know would give you both a little pleasure.

Through our conversations, I have sensed that you are carrying a heavy weight of stress. I love you and am concerned about your well being. I would like to encourage either you, or us, to attend therapy so that we can get to a point where both of our lives are filled with joy.

All of the above advice is sound. Mine is simple-

Try a timer-

My dh and I each have 5 minutes to "vent" about our day before we change to topic to more positive/ fun things. The kids think it is funny that the grown ups use a timer too. (We use it for chores/ homework with the kids.)

Before we did this we didn't really appreciate how much time we spent grousing. If you violate the timer rule, you have to say 3 good things about your day.

This won't help if therapy is really needed, but if it is just a reality check it might help change the tone.

Should not mean*

Not "should be mean"

I get that maybe the wife is looking for help and solutions but the onus is on both partners here. The husband has a duty to be sympathetic but that should be mean tolerating constant and endless complaints. The wife has a duty to try to be kind and positive in some spousal discussions. I have a friend who is constantly negative like this. If this post was about a friend instead of a spouse everyone would be saying "that's a toxic friend! Cut them loose!" The wife needs to check herself before complaining constantly. The husband needs to tolerate a portion of it. That's it.

Hmm. If you are shutting down when she tries to share her problems, maybe she feels like you aren't really hearing her or giving her the help/advice she needs. When she tells you about an issue with your kids, do you help her think about ways to solve it? Do you give her suggestions on how to deal with her work problems? What you see as "dumping" might be her asking for your help, and if you're basically ignoring her and shutting down, it's not surprising that she brings up the same issues again and again.

Journal and exercise

Have you discussed any of this with her? If not, you should be talking about it before jumping to suggesting therapy. We all need people to vent to at times, as a means of coping with stress. It sounds like the combination of excess (for you) venting and lack of positive thought is shutting down your desire to communicate.

Set aside a time when you are connected and engaged and talk to her. You can open the conversation discussing that you feel like you'd like to increase the positive tone in your home. I'm sure there are things you and your teens could also do to contribute to a more positive atmosphere. It needs to be an active choice and won't change overnight, everyone needs to be involved. This gives her a chance to brainstorm too. As part of this, her natural inclination to vent when she comes home will surface as usual. That's your moment to discuss how to ensure she feels supported and not to have the negativity impact the whole night. As suggested, a time limit is workable, or activity based like you give her your focus during a brief walk each evening when she gets home. Expecting her to never need to vent isn't reasonable, nor did you get to decide what is stress worthy to her. My dh gets stressed easily, in my eyes, but judging that helps niether of us because regardless of my view doesn't change how it feels for him. What stresses me is different than what stresses him. Therapy isn't a tool intended to fix your wife. If communicating, finding compromise and developing done in home coping skills doesn't work then it could be something you both discuss and a decision she makes on her own, if and when she ever decides she would even want to change. Marriage is work for everyone at some point, news your time.

Tell her you are fine with her venting but feel like you need to confine it so it doesn't take over your whole night. Then she gets 20 minutes (or whatever) to vent and you just make understanding noises, etc. and then after that she's done and you have to talk about other stuff.

My DH and I both vent about our annoying days at each other and I think it's fine. I don't feel like he's "dumping" on me b/c he's not asking me to solve his problems and is not being negative towards me, just complaining about other things. But if complaining is all you hear, or if she is actually being mean to you, then that does sound like a real bummer to be around.

Exercise to get her aggression out.

Tell her this kindly. Therapy helps many people.

My DW has this very annoying habit of coming home and dumping all the sh*t of her day at my feet. I realize people sometimes need to vent, and I can take it on occasion, but everyday it becomes something I just don't want to hear. My DW almost never has anything to talk to me about that is positive. She complains ad infinatum about her long work hours - although her long work hours are all rather sporadic - and if she has a fight with one of our teenage kids she takes it out on me. It is killing whatever love I have for this woman. I would prefer she get to a therapist and figure out how to handle her own emotions rather than look for me and the kids to be her emotional dumping ground.