Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 11:38     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Maybe so, PP, but he seems pretty happy with what I bring to the relationship (both in and out of the bedroom), and it is his opinion that counts!
PaigeKeller
Post 04/27/2016 11:37     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Anonymous wrote:Thanks everybody. I talked to him about it last night. He said he was glad I worked through my angst. I shared that my XH, who was a Southerner of a certain class (I am a Yankee) expected me to know all his social rules and the woman's responsibilities for gifts, etc., immediately, and would scream at me if I got the wrong thing or wore the wrong thing. (Wish that were the only abusive thing about him, but no - that's why he's X). So I spent a lot of years learning those rules, as well as the rules of my professional circle, which tend to skew more high society. That is not my background growing up. I told him I realized that (a) he wasn't asking me to take on the responsibility for figuring out what to bring, that they were his friends and he would know what to do, and (b) that I knew he wouldn't yell at me for being wrong. He was very sweet about the whole thing. Now I am starting to get excited about this. Plus he's away this week on business, so I am looking forward to his coming back anyway!

Thanks again, everybody!


That provides more perspective on why you have such anxiety! I am glad you discussed this with your date because that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Usually if you have some idea of where you are headed and if there is a special occasion, that will provide some clues as to what would be appropriate to wear.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 11:05     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Anonymous wrote:Thanks everybody. I talked to him about it last night. He said he was glad I worked through my angst. I shared that my XH, who was a Southerner of a certain class (I am a Yankee) expected me to know all his social rules and the woman's responsibilities for gifts, etc., immediately, and would scream at me if I got the wrong thing or wore the wrong thing. (Wish that were the only abusive thing about him, but no - that's why he's X). So I spent a lot of years learning those rules, as well as the rules of my professional circle, which tend to skew more high society. That is not my background growing up. I told him I realized that (a) he wasn't asking me to take on the responsibility for figuring out what to bring, that they were his friends and he would know what to do, and (b) that I knew he wouldn't yell at me for being wrong. He was very sweet about the whole thing. Now I am starting to get excited about this. Plus he's away this week on business, so I am looking forward to his coming back anyway!

Thanks again, everybody!


Wow! you sound like a lot of work.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 10:38     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Thanks everybody. I talked to him about it last night. He said he was glad I worked through my angst. I shared that my XH, who was a Southerner of a certain class (I am a Yankee) expected me to know all his social rules and the woman's responsibilities for gifts, etc., immediately, and would scream at me if I got the wrong thing or wore the wrong thing. (Wish that were the only abusive thing about him, but no - that's why he's X). So I spent a lot of years learning those rules, as well as the rules of my professional circle, which tend to skew more high society. That is not my background growing up. I told him I realized that (a) he wasn't asking me to take on the responsibility for figuring out what to bring, that they were his friends and he would know what to do, and (b) that I knew he wouldn't yell at me for being wrong. He was very sweet about the whole thing. Now I am starting to get excited about this. Plus he's away this week on business, so I am looking forward to his coming back anyway!

Thanks again, everybody!
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 23:54     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
Anonymous wrote:Your the Christie Brinkley to his Billy Joel? If his crowd is casual, dress casual. Even in designer jeans, that's ok. If you show up in a cocktail dress and everyone else is in jeans/t-shirts, you are going to feel awkward. But nice jeans and blouse? Fine.

After that, just be friendly! Smile, say nice to meet you, let them know how much you adore their friend. That's all anyone wants to see. If you stand in the corner, arms crossed, and demand to leave early, you will rightly get labeled a frigid b. So don't do that. It will be ok. And report back after.


Good advice.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 21:15     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Good god, you sound so insecure? How hard can this be?
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 19:59     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
I have $200+ jeans and $20 jeans and wouldn't necessarily recognize high-end from mid-range, and I certainly wouldn't judge you either way. Wear your jeans and a nice top and I'm sure you'll be ok. Maybe go low-key on jewelry and purse if yours are expensive.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 11:06     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
I don't understand. What's his circle and what's yours? In any case, own who you are and be confident about yourself. People respect that.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 09:28     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
When I was in this situation I asked a trusted person what she would be wearing. I basically copied her.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:54     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
I'm picturing the bar scene in Sweet Home Alabama. So definitely Jaclyn Smith.

The biggest thing is to feel comfortable about yourself and who you are.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:54     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
Anonymous wrote:Ask him what the women in his group of friends usually wear and follow suit have fun!


If he's anything like me, he won't have any f'ing clue what the women wear. "I dunno. Clothes?"
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:52     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
Ask him what the women in his group of friends usually wear and follow suit have fun!
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:38     Subject: Re:Dating across circles or leagues
Thanks PP. you are right. I'm over complicating this. So my jeans and my blouse and smile. If his friends are anything like he is, it will not be at all hard to smile and laugh. Thanks for answering my angst!
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:18     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
Your the Christie Brinkley to his Billy Joel? If his crowd is casual, dress casual. Even in designer jeans, that's ok. If you show up in a cocktail dress and everyone else is in jeans/t-shirts, you are going to feel awkward. But nice jeans and blouse? Fine.

After that, just be friendly! Smile, say nice to meet you, let them know how much you adore their friend. That's all anyone wants to see. If you stand in the corner, arms crossed, and demand to leave early, you will rightly get labeled a frigid b. So don't do that. It will be ok. And report back after.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2016 08:15     Subject: Dating across circles or leagues
Advice?

For example, we are going to a party where I will meet some of his oldest friends and I am as flummoxed as a 20 year old girl. What I and my friends would wear and bring to this kind of party is different from what his crowd does (he seemed surprised when I said, "Don't we have to get something?"). I know, follow his lead, but I swear I am going to spend the next several days angsting in my closet. I don't want to look like some uptown snob but I also want to be comfortable in what I wear. I swear dating in my 20s was not this much work because you met people at school or work who traveled in the same circles. He says he's probably going to wear jeans, but I just can't. Any jeans I would consider party-worthy scream designer.

I feel like this is just the first of many times one or other of us are going to feel this out of our depth feeling. Any BTDT stories or advice? Oh, what complications online dating has wrought!