My mother does this.

People who fake or play up illness do it in order to get "secondary gains." Secondary gains are attention and extras and not having to work or do chores.

Eliminate the secondary gains. Completely.

When your mom falls ill, she cannot watch TV, because that would be bad for her extremely delicate ill condition. She cannot have soda -- that would upset her stomach. She has to be driven RIGHT AWAY to the ER, by you, or an ambulance called RIGHT NOW. You will need to warn her that the closest ER or minute clinic has a wait time of at least three hours, but that's okay, because her illness is extremely grave and important. She doesn't want to go? Well, let's get her into bed right away then, with the lights out. No TV or books or snacks for someone as sick as she obviously is.

What, she's feeling better? Wonderful! What a miraculous recovery. You have a list of chores for her now that she's well. You'd like her to run to the grocery store since she's able to tolerate snacks. No? Well, then back to bed or immediately to the clinic.

Perhaps she'd be better off at home? You could understand that, her own doctor should really be attending to her.

Does she have any chronic fatigue/autoimmune issues? People with these can have flare-ups of extreme fatigue when they're stressed. In any case, that's how she reacts at these times, so you know better than to expect otherwise.

My mil suffered a bout of depression once but milked it for years later. Every single time she didn't get her way she would profess how deeply depressed she was. At first I gave her children hell for not catering to her until they finally let me in on the secret. I was surprised how obvious the drama was after I looked for her episodes. She also is from a foreign country and after 55 years in the US you can barely understand her because people fawn all over her voice.

Op here, 18:38, I like your diagnostic style.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the suggestion! Will research. I was thinking that but always thought that referred to pretending a child was sick. I now realize that's actually called munchausen by proxy.

Grow up, OP. She most likely does not have munchausen by proxy b/c that's when the parent hurts the child for attention. Nor does she probably have Munchausen. It's extremely rare.

More than likely she has untreated anxiety, so like the kid who doesn't want to go to school fakes a tummy ache, your mom may feign illness when encountering a stressful situation.

Sheesh, you need to read a little better. OP very clearly indicated she does understand what by proxy is; and simply stated she will research Munchausen. I don't get why you're telling her to grow up.

OP, every time our son is sick, my dh says he too is sick. It's so bizarre.

My mom does this too. My armchair diagnosis is that she is fucking nuts, and a colossal pain in the ass.

op here; now that I've looked it up I don't think she has Munchausen (it seems really extreme and rare as you said) and I certainly didn't mean to suggest she had Munchausen by proxy; I was just saying that I'd previously confused the two terms.

Anxiety might be a good explanation and I think your analogy to a child feigning a stomachache before school makes sense. I don't have a school aged kid yet, so any advice for how to tend to this that I could translate to helping manage an adult's anxiety? part of me thinks that once one is an adult, it's inappropriate to let anxiety interfere with the lives of others. But part of me thinks that is unsympathetic and unkind of me.

She's a garden variety hysteric. She craves attention.

Anonymous wrote:I thought about saying something and frankly can't risk the fit (based on past tantrums, or whatever the adult word for a tantrum is) while home alone with my son. When I lightly suggested earlier in the week that she needed to take care of herself while I managed my son and apologized that I couldn't help her more, she lost it and told me how heartless I was and moaned about how she should just die so she wouldn't be a burden.

Good god, as I type this and see it in print and think about the other things she did this week I realize this is so, so not normal.

When DH returns I think there will be a dramatic recovery and display of helpfulness/reluctance to put him out. Should be fun.

I'm 18:14. I think PP may have it right, and your mother has untreated anxiety. This is what my mother has, and it routinely makes her grow very verbally abusive and non-functional. My friend's spouse has anxiety and it makes him have rage tantrums, in public and private. Anxiety is a terrible thing.

My solution has been to limit contact, honestly. My mother has a horror of doctors, and would deny to her dying day that she has anything of a diagnosable nature.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the suggestion! Will research. I was thinking that but always thought that referred to pretending a child was sick. I now realize that's actually called munchausen by proxy.

Grow up, OP. She most likely does not have munchausen by proxy b/c that's when the parent hurts the child for attention. Nor does she probably have Munchausen. It's extremely rare.

More than likely she has untreated anxiety, so like the kid who doesn't want to go to school fakes a tummy ache, your mom may feign illness when encountering a stressful situation.

I thought about saying something and frankly can't risk the fit (based on past tantrums, or whatever the adult word for a tantrum is) while home alone with my son. When I lightly suggested earlier in the week that she needed to take care of herself while I managed my son and apologized that I couldn't help her more, she lost it and told me how heartless I was and moaned about how she should just die so she wouldn't be a burden.

Good god, as I type this and see it in print and think about the other things she did this week I realize this is so, so not normal.

When DH returns I think there will be a dramatic recovery and display of helpfulness/reluctance to put him out. Should be fun.

What do you think would happen if you just looked at her in the eye and said:

"Look Mom, I've been taking care of a very sick child, and I'm legitimately exhausted. Why are you pretending to be sick yourself just to gain my attention? You've been doing this for years. I recall perfectly well that for major events in my life, you were always supposedly sick. Do you realize you need treatment for this pathology?"

OK, I realize you might not come out with that
I've said something similar to my mother, who is crazy, although the issue is slightly different. It was in a moment of desperation when her behavior was relentless and truly impacted our lives, in a very negative way. She denied all of it and had a fit, but she toned it down somewhat afterward... because she knew I was on to her.
I'm sure these people realize at some level what they're doing, but obviously can't control it well, and do their best to deny it, even to themselves.

Thanks for the suggestion! Will research. I was thinking that but always thought that referred to pretending a child was sick. I now realize that's actually called munchausen by proxy.

Munchausen syndrome?

"In Munchausen syndrome, the affected person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves to gain examination, treatment, attention, sympathy, and/or comfort from medical personnel. "

My child just went through a health scare during a family visit. Luckily he is totally fine, and it's nothing contagious, but there was a hospital admission and a few days of slow recovery for him at home. While my mom was visiting (planned long ago and unfortunately overlapped with DH going away for work; she was here for the duration of the health scare), she did nothing to help. She doesn't drive but we are in there city and close to everything. I asked her if she could go to the store, which is a short walk away, for medication and supplies, and she made a huge fuss about being tired so I went with a sick kid in a stroller. She called me en route to make sure I got her brand of soda, etc. I have been up late doing sick-kid laundry and all that kind of stuff and she asked when I went to bed and wondered why it was so late. Then said how tired she was. The day after the hospital and for the next three says she was "sick" and took to her bed like someone from a Victorian novel, but with lots of moaning and self-pitying statements (and breaks to eat big meals and watch tv).

We finally went to the doctor after I pleaded for her to go for days and they said she wasn't sick but acquiesced when she pouted and said it might be allergies.

When I look back, similar situations happened for all my big life events or whenever I got sick. Example: baby being born (sick, can't visit); graduation (sick, might not make it), wedding (sick, will try but will have to sleep before and after). sometimes there's a glorious last-minute recovery and she lets everyone know how hard it is for her to be there and how she barely made it..

Is this some kind of mental illness? If someone is familiar with a similar scenario could you give me a word for this so I can do some research beyond Googling "mom crazy"?? I never put together the pattern until now and I'm both fascinated to discover it and feeling sorry for myself.