Anonymous wrote:Don't make this a learning experience for the old people.

Just pay for everything you need to pay for to make this a terrific memory for the grandkids.

Your husband may very well be a chicke, but on this one, I am with him.

+1 seriously, if you can afford it, just pay for them and enjoy it. It's not like they are strangers off the street, they are your dh's parents.

Don't make this a learning experience for the old people.

Just pay for everything you need to pay for to make this a terrific memory for the grandkids.

Your husband may very well be a chicke, but on this one, I am with him.

If I were you in this situation, I would confront them directly probably in an email.

Diana and Rick,

We are thrilled you re joining my family on our vacation. I know you are new to this group so here are some basics for you about how this trip works.

My parents have offered to have you stay in their condo. My mom usually does the grocery shopping for the condo. She will let you know what your half is and you can pay her directly.

Our condos come with transportation to and from all the Disney parks. You will need to rent a car if you want to go other places. You should make your own airport transfer arrangements.

If we eat out together, we get separate checks so everyone is responsible for paying their own way.

Needless to say, you will be responsible for paying for your tickets to the parks you would like to visit. Here is the website to order them XXXXX

If I think of anything else, I will supplement. Going to be a great trip!

I have in laws like this. We'll somehow end up out at a dinner restaurant, the bill will come and.... Crickets....
The waiter will stop by four times and still no credit card(s) down. Finally my husband will eek out enough guts to say, "ok dad, let's split it." And this will be after we've hosted them in our house for days or weeks.

Do not go with the flow here or anytime with people who can't verbally communicate wel or who only think of themselvesl. Too unnecessarily stressful. Every. Damn. Day.

we need to have a conversation

No one asked - not before the invitation was extended - not if you thought it was a good idea. You have no role here (in this scenario, as you present it)
Let them work it out - let the couples adjust to each other - or not (frankly seems like a really bad idea, but again, no one asked me - OR YOU, right?)

Anonymous wrote:Can you comfortably afford to pay for your in-laws? If so, maybe DH doesn't see it as a big deal. If you are on a budget then agree that you and DH should get on the same page first.

Do not set the precedent of penny-pincher Inlaws having their vacations subsidized by you and your wife's parents. Yuck.
They said they don't like to vacation so I would just stop there. Unless of course, they meant, they don't like opening their wallets to pay for their own vacations. Double Yuck.

Who else is getting invited? This also sets a weird precedent for OP's family vacations. Why not invite all the aunts, and other in law grandparents?

OP this is basic stuff.

You are vacationing with multiple families.

You ALL must be on the same page about costs, what to do, etc. or you do not travel together.

Your DH needs to have a very basic convo with his parents: Hey, want to do Disney with us and so-and-so? if so here are the dates, we'll be doing this, that and this which usually costs blah blah. Have a think about it and let us know in two weeks. Mr & Mrs Bleep are covering generously covering the accomodations.

BFD.

It seems strange to me that your parents invited your ILs without talking to you about it beforehand?

First, I think you and DH need to get on the same page. Then you need to get the parents on the same page.

Are you or your parents type A planners? I ask that because I know Disney can be a thing people will plan and plan and plan so you could use that to your advantage. Plan out your itinerary and provide them with the information. We are spending X days at Magic Kingdom and tickets will cost X per person. We rented our rental car from X if you are looking for a rental car place. etc.

I would find some way to outline the details and expectations of the trip. The more information you can give them up front, the more info they have to make a decision on whether or not they even want to attend. My family is passive aggressive and like pulling teeth to get answers from (it sucks!!) so I would make sure you send it in an email so it's clear and no one can turn around and say that we didn't have that phone call or we didn't talk about it at dinner.

Can you comfortably afford to pay for your in-laws? If so, maybe DH doesn't see it as a big deal. If you are on a budget then agree that you and DH should get on the same page first.

This sounds like a nightmare vacation, frankly.

Ok, your DH is a wuss. You tell him to either talk to them about their own food, transportation and tickets at Disney or you will either call or email them about the expected expenses, saying something hey just wanted you to know that Disney tickets for x days are about $___, we're all buying our own food, and you'll need to figure out transportation for yourselves. Or, if ya'll are rich and can pay for in-laws expenses, then do that instead.

Take your post.

Edit out the last sentence where you call your husband "chicken" (even though it's true).

Show it to him.

OK, maybe not, but use it as your script to sit down and talk with him. Talk when he is NOT on the way out the door to something else and not when kids are around.

The problem is his reluctance to have any kind of adult conversation with his parents. His parents are his to handle. He needs to hear what you wrote here. Ensure that your discussion of his folks sounds like it does here -- not judging them as people, just being realistic about their spending habits and their expectations. (You did a good job of that in the post, OP. You stayed objective.) HE knows already what they are like, which is probably why he's so reluctant to talk and would rather pay things himself than have any conversation, but if he doesn't have it, you and he will spend the entire vacation stressed and worried. You and he both deserve better than that, don't you?

And as his folks are his to handle, so are your own parents yours to handle. They may be absolutely fine with paying for everything (vehicles, food, passes) and haven't told you, but that needs to be made crystal clear -- either they are expecting to pay for it, expect you and DH to pay for it, or expect his parents to pay. Probably your folks have not said directly, "This invitation doesn't include food/car/passes" and that's typical; the initial invitation wouldn't necessarily get into all that detail, but knowing his folks and him, you need that resolved in order to enjoy this vacation. So asking your folks is yours to do, just as talking with your DH's parents is DH's job.

Your folks sound generous and mellow and very nice to ask the in-laws, OP. This doesn't have to be a big deal unless DH goes passive and just pays for everything without talking to his parents. It's VERY hard to break a lifetime of avoidance of certain topics with family (like money) so this will be hard on DH and he'll need your backup. Maybe help him script what to say to his folks.

By the way, did you mean that he "secretly" would pay for it all, as in, keeping it secret from you too? If so, that's a dynamic that would worry me more than the in-law situation. Hope that's not the case.

You CAN make this happen smoothly, but only if DH plays the role of independent, adult child and not the part of the kid who still can't talk with mom and dad adult to adult.

Why did your parents do this without consulting you first?

Use this vacation and planning as a lesson in normal communication and normal vacationing. Maybe the trip will open their eyes to how much fun life and spending a bit of their hard-earned money can be!

They can opt out if they don't want to speak about it or if they don't like the expenses. Set a deadline for their response and add that if your family does not hear from them by XYZ date, you will assume the trip does not work for them. Then stick to it.

Sounds like you probably have children as well. Don't set a precedent where you or your parents subsidize most of their vacation costs. Only if you are wealthy enough to do so and there are no hard feelings.

One set of grandparents loves to travel and take vacation, rent cars, spend their money (more independent). They often gift us one week a year vacation, often with my siblings family as well (beach, disney, cruise), and we all go together.
Another set of grandparents does not take vacations, and will only go somewhere if they are a 1-4 week long houseguest, no rental car ever and do not buy food (so more dependent).
Both have summer places where they spend their summers and both have plenty of savings/long-term health insurance.

As alluded to, their spending habits are very different.

This year my parents invited them to come on the extended family vacation and stay in their 2BR unit with them. It is Disney World, they have never been. I was blindsided by the invite - everyone gets along fine - because I only see my brother's family once every two years (on this trip) and I have consistently been told by my husband that his parents do not take real vacations, they think it is a waste of money.

That's great that their lodging will be paid for by my parents (time share situation where points, tax and annual membership are paid), but now we need to have a conversation about food, vehicles and the (not cheap) price of the Magic Kingdom passes. My husband and his family don't talk much, they actually are all passive aggressive so getting an answer to most questions is like pulling teeth or a game of chicken.

My fear is my husband will secretly pay for everything they do, except their flights. He would rather do that than speak with them about vacation expectations or tell me he failed to have that conversation or the outcome. Of course, my parents may talk to them about things as well - they had to do that years ago for our wedding when my husband's family assumed they were staying with my parents for 2 weeks over the wedding week. Not sure how to proceed - I've watched this dance for 7 years and he still hasn't even talked to them about basic houseguest expectations. He's too chicken.