Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

Anonymous wrote:He is basically using you to manage his anxiety. This is totally unacceptable and besides which it doesn't work. If he refuses therapy, go on your own to work on boundaries. I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't change I don't see a great future for your relationship. I'm speaking as the anxious / perfectionist partner who's done a ton of work on owning and managing my own issues.

Spot on. You really need to work with someone to set boundaries. Hugs, OP.

OP. You stated he did theses thing on his day off. His DAY OFF. Absorb that. Tell him you plane to be a SAHM so you have time to dither things

Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

OCD and short tempered? No, this behavior is called controlling. Get out the Kraft mac and cheese and schedule some therapy for yourself. You need help to set boundaries with this guy.

This isn't OCD, ocd is aimed at one's self. This is narcissistic where he feels he knows what is best for everyone based on his own beliefs and if you don't do what he wants he will verbally attack or withdraw or somehow punish you. He wants to control everyone and everything to match his ideals of what he believes himself to be. Unfortunately there is no winning in this situation. I would try not doing ANYTHING he wants for a week or two and see how responds. Don't engage or argue, just say "oh I'm not doing that anymore but feel free to do it if you like." Don't debate. Just say, "I don't want to." See how he reacts. He may back down or he may ratchet things up, in which case I would think about getting therapy on my own to deal with him or seeing a lawyer.

He is basically using you to manage his anxiety. This is totally unacceptable and besides which it doesn't work. If he refuses therapy, go on your own to work on boundaries. I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't change I don't see a great future for your relationship. I'm speaking as the anxious / perfectionist partner who's done a ton of work on owning and managing my own issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit. I wouldn't be able to take this. He's beating you down. It's absolutely abusive.

+1. I can't believe you work full-time on top of all that. I'm exhausted just reading it. I don't have any words of wisdom, OP, but I wish you well.

I agree. I'm a SAHM, and it sounds exhausting. How did you do this when you had young children?

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit. I wouldn't be able to take this. He's beating you down. It's absolutely abusive.

+1. I can't believe you work full-time on top of all that. I'm exhausted just reading it. I don't have any words of wisdom, OP, but I wish you well.

This isn't only abusive to you but to the children. The expectations he is placing on your children are ridiculous and will lead to life long problems. Get help.

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Holy shit. I wouldn't be able to take this. He's beating you down. It's absolutely abusive.

You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

To put a long story short, I married a guy with OCD, or a short temper, or maybe a combination of both. When we were dating, I didn't see it. I didn't even see it our first years of marriage. He had high expectations of himself, and I noticed of his parents, but he didn't put them on me. Then it really started when we had our first kid, and now, 10 years into the marriage, its gotten really bad. I don't know if he's verbally abusive but certainly often snarky, condescending, and pedantic. He doesn't name call or curse, but the things he says (sometimes yells) are very judgmental. His expectations about everything are really high (he's got a truly photographic memory and in medicine) and sometimes to my mind, unreasonable.

Some examples:
-Every meal needs to be home cooked with whole ingredients (if its not, it's taking the lazy way out, and not focusing on our kids' health). So I will get a 15 min lecture about the evils of added sugar if I buy jarred sauce.
-Not cleaning the kids' plate or our plates is a sign of wasteful and horrible modern values. (so that means I end up only eating the kids leftovers to avoid waste).
-One of us needs to attend all the kids lessons so that we can properly help them (again, otherwise it's just using the piano teacher as a baby sitter, which is irresponsible and unfair to the child).
-One of us needs to be around when the kids are doing an app on the ipad or watching TV, so that their time is 'active'. (i.e let the kids watch the discovery channel and occasionally point out things that are being shown - otherwise its going to rot their brain). So that means I can't even distract the kids to cook the damn home cooked meal.
-Its good that I work out for 30 mins three times a week, but I should really aim for 5-7.
-I should speak only in my native language to my kids, despite him not knowing it, because otherwise I'm not giving the kids the gift of a flexible mind that will recover quickly from brain injury and stroke. Even though at this point, English is my first language. So I get a lecture every time he hears me slip back in in English.
-I should use whatever free time I have (which is what, -10000 hours??) to come up with a more creative and entrepreneurial investment strategy so that our savings don't just sit in vanguard index funds (our current strategy, which he thinks is intellectually lazy).
-How come I don't sew the kids clothes when I know how to, and own a sewing machine? Why aren't I using this as an opportunity to teach our kids sewing, and only use it to hem pants?
-Why don't I get more involved in gardening, when I grew up with a garden and know a little bit? Why do I insist on only doing a few vegetables each year? Why can't I aim for an entirely sustainable kitchen garden that we can eat off of, all summer long?

You get the idea, it goes on and on. There's no end in sight to his expectations.

I work a federal job full time with flexible hours, so these types of expectations fall on my disproportionately, as he works much longer hours. He had to work one day this weekend, and in the time he was gone, the kids and I went to a birthday party, and planted our (container) vegetable garden. They also practiced instruments/dance/karate, and read out loud to me. The older one practiced her written letter writing in my (native) language. Then we just played, breaking only to eat our (home cooked, from scratch) dinner. When he came home, after dinner, despite the older one being tired from all the activity, he starts quizzing them on math patterns and geography.

This is just how he is. He expects go, go, go from everyone. He expects perfection or excellence in everything. He has no empathy, no flexibility.

A decade of this has left me just completely mentally exhausted. I'm tired of being told how everything I do is just not good enough. I'm tired of the lectures as if I'm a kid. I pretty much long for the minute my head hits the pillow every night, starting right from the morning when he looks at me askance for putting milk and cereal (all those added sugars!) in front of the kids.

And no, he won't go to therapy (couples or individual). Why should he when he just wants us both to do everything right? And I want to continue doing some things wrong, just because its easier or because I'm stubborn? I myself am in therapy recently, hoping it will help me sort this out.

Thanks for reading, I actually just needed to vent. But if anyone can relate and has some thoughts, I'd love to hear it.