What are your coping mechanisms?

My relationship with my mother has fluctuated over the years (she has extreme anxiety and sometimes that makes her aggressive or persistent), and during the bad times I tried to act very calm and detached, almost uncaring. This seemed to make her rejections of me/DH/our life easier, because I had prepared mentally for not caring anyway. She would say something hurtful and I would think inside: "Of course, I knew you were going to say that." Basically there was no trust or bond, because I had to have my armor up all the time. Now I have let her back in after holding her at arms' length for a couple of years, and she seems to have calmed down somewhat. Until next time.

What is she going to do to add stress, that's related to being pregnant and not just the fact she's visiting you?

My brother is bipolar. He's pretty uniformly a jerk, though. When I told him I was pregnant, he just ignored me. So I got lucky there. How long will she be visiting? Is she staying with you?

I think for a lot of people they feel closer to their parents when they have children. When you have a parent like yours, you will probably feel the opposite. I feel anger toward my mom when I do things for my children that she didn't do for me or when I think of the things she said to me as a child. I'm not sure if my mom is bipolar or narcissistic personality disorder as I suspect. But she thinks she was a perfect parent and things I am an unhinged lunatic parent.

I keep limited contact with her. She stays in a hotel when she visits and we stay in hotels to visit her. We talk on the phone when she calls me. I keep it light. I never tell her bad stuff or the normal struggles of life with small kids. She will just tell me I'm having trouble because I'm a terrible parent. All visits with her end badly but I do suffer through them once or twice a year. Generally she sits in a chair and expects my kids to run and bestow unending adoration upon her even though she hardly talks to them and never plays with them. After a few days of her feeling like they don't worship her enough she gets "sick". This will involve needing to lie on our sofa and be catered to, having to pull over while driving so she can vomit on the side of the road, and other attention seeking behavior. I don't care anymore. I tolerate it and go through the motions because drawing her wrath would've even worse. My husband says I'm a different person when she is around. He tolerates it.

My advice to you: limit interactions to what you can handle. Control the flow of information. Protect your child and yourself. Control as much as you can without your mom really knowing. My mom despite this all seems to think that I adore her and value her advice, attention, etc. my life is better with her thinking that than cutting her off entirely. You and your family is the first priority. Do what you need for yourself.

Hi All:

I'm 11.5 weeks pregnant with my first child and dreading telling my mother, who is a non-medicated bipolar person. It's hypomanic, but it drives me nuts all the same. We aren't fully estranged, but our relationship is strained. Some days she's great, other days she calls me with elaborate stories how the DEA broke into the neighbor's house, or other such random bullshit. Or sometimes she's nasty, like I'll ask if she can bring an item from my childhood home on her next visit, and she'll snap at me that "it was stolen when our home was burglarized" (it wasn't) or "why would I bring it to you, you'll sell it". She lives in Seattle, so me being in DC, I don't see her a lot, and we don't talk often.

Anyway, I'm reaching out to see if others have a parent with mental illness and if/how they told them. She's coming for a visit with my dad (who basically just accepts her shitty attitude and manic behavior), and I thought about telling them then. I'll be 14 weeks at that time. My biggest concern is adding stress. I live a fairly stress free life and don't want to rattle my nerves while pregnant. I'm sure she'll eventually find out, so really I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Thank you.