Thank you so much, Pp. I will call Break the Cycle today. I have questions about whether the police incident would have been documented in the police department even though the boyfriend had already left when they arrived.

That strategy of just asking her those questions is fabulous. I will do that when we see her this weekend. It gives me a way to discuss this and to empower her. Many thanks to everyone who has taken time from your day to post to me. I'm out of my depth here, and my DH and I appreciate it very much.

WTF! This is the same political correctness that get people killed! Where is the father?!

If this was my DD... The guy would not exist anymore!

NP here, and I have to say I think you are handling this remarkably well by putting your daughter's feelings and well being ahead of your own. You are correct not to confront him. That simply never works.

Your statement that you think she's deeply ashamed and scared is what jumped out at me like lightening. I'm inclined to think that's where your focus should be. I work in the field, but I must confess it's been a while since I've done direct service with victims of domestic violence (I do policy work now) but I do remember an effective strategy is asking a lot of questions - what are you most afraid of? What's the most important thing to you right now? Do you see that happening the way things are? What do you want to see change? How might that happen? What does a happy life look like to you? Does this match that? You know him best, what would be the best way for you to leave without making this worse?

That kind of thing. They aren't all artfully stated or well-thought out but asking questions puts her in the driver seat of her own life. It gets her thinking with a sense of autonomy about her own life.

The hotline is a great resource, but should you need more intense legal advice, check out Break the Cycle. They specialize in teen and young adult domestic violence and have attorneys on staff to assist. I'm not sure where you're located but they have an office in DC. http://www.breakthecycle.org

Good luck and keep posting if you need to. I think there are a lot of us out there who have experience in this and are happy to weigh in as you make your way through this.

Post an address and name... Done

Op here.

Thank for your kind responses. In answer to your questions, she does see an off-campus counselor and psychiatrist (who are in the same practice). She attends those appointments without fail. (She takes an Uber and we pay it and the receipts come to us, so we are able to confirm this without asking her each time). After the first incident, I left a message for the counselor saying the incident had occurred and police were called. My DD said a couple weeks later that she had talked to her counselor about it. She didn't say what they discussed.

So that is in place, as well as the Dean's office. And she has really good family support. But it seems like it's not going to make a difference soon enough or quickly enough to help her extract herself from this relationship before the next incident. The hotline woman said not to speak poorly of her boyfriend to her (it adds shame to a situation where she is already so ashamed, and her boyfriend piles on the shame too). The hotline said the most important thing is to have her be able to tell us when this violence happens. I fear if I confront him, she will know about it and stop letting us know what is happening. I am almost 100% certain she has not told her friends anything. She is very, very close to her siblings (daily texting and FB messaging) and only told one of them about the police incident. I think she is deeply ashamed and scared.

We saw her last weekend before the latest incident and there was no light in her eyes. He was there too. It is so awful. She has come so far in her healing from her early trauma, and now this is retraumatizing her. She texted last night that she was going to lie down (in her dorm room) because she felt a panic attack coming on. (Her medications were at his apartment.) That's what prompted me to post this in the night.

I am thinking about calling her doctor's office and talking with the nurse and explaining how the injury actually happened. And then at least there will be some documentation of the injury when she goes to the appointment. I am also keeping track of this at home.

One of the posters said my DD could be feeling that she is not perfect and he is not perfect and they both need to work through things. She has said these exact words.

It's a good start that she is talking to you and her sisters. You MUST go to her and make sure she gets some help. If necessary, go every weekend until school is out. You know of a couple instances of abuse, but you can be sure there have been more.

Don't confront the guy!!!
Don't know what to tell you. Professional help is needed, you may not be able to help her on your own alone.

Can you go visit her? I'd do that and try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Do you think she'd go with you to a domestic violence counselor?

This must be heartbreaking for you to see her going through something so terrible. Please keep us posted.

Anonymous wrote:If It were my child, given the circumstances you laid out, I would go confront the guy. And start keeping a log so if something extreme does happen you have record of the incident. And I would get my DD a counselor at a time I knew she was free every week (at least) and I would be there to drive her to and from the appointment. Weather or not she showed up I would still be there waiting drive her.

You only get one chance at life.

Please do not do this. If you confront him, there is a high chance he will then take out the anger on her.

Do you know what resources are available on campus? Counseling center, health center, women's center, local crisis hotlines? If not, see if you can find that out.

It is great that she is telling you some of what is going on. Keep the lines of communication open. Call the DV hotline again.

Has he isolated her from her friends? I agree with the pp who said friends might not know what to say if she did go to them, but if she has no one else left in her life (at least no one left at college), that's something to consider.

Early experience of child neglect/abuse can cause and adult to devalue themselves and therefor not thing the current abuse is wrong, or that they deserve it.

For example, in her head she may be thinking, "if I were not so annoying he would not have to yell at me and hit me".

She probably thinks, "I am not perfect either" so I can't expect my boyfriend to be perfect, he "just has some issues he is dealing with" and I am strong enough to deal with that.

She has not learned proper boundaries due to her past life, and since she has had a stable life with you she is a very good candidate for therapy to learrn that she should not tolerate being treated like this because people do love you and they don't treat you like this.

You should get a therapist for yourself and eventually her that has a background in childhood neglect/trauma/abuse. She can learn that what she feels is normal is a manifestation of early experiences that were not normal and that was why she ended up in foster care.

In the meantime, I would contact her RA and the counseling office at school. She could just talk to them for the next few weeks. I would present this as... they are just somebody you can talk to, they care about you and your friends probably don't know what to say. In the meantime go to counselor yourself to try to understand how to support her through this. When she comes home she should go to therapy.

If you think her life is in danger, you need to call the police.

Here is the thing, you probably have a very strong daughter, but she has low self esteem (this is normal). If you can get her through this with the help of a therapist, you will end up with a daughter who is both strong and has a high self esteem and what a great adult she will make.

Good luck! Stay strong! You are a good mom!

Is she coming home for the summer?

Call her RA / Dean until then.

If It were my child, given the circumstances you laid out, I would go confront the guy. And start keeping a log so if something extreme does happen you have record of the incident. And I would get my DD a counselor at a time I knew she was free every week (at least) and I would be there to drive her to and from the appointment. Weather or not she showed up I would still be there waiting drive her.

You only get one chance at life.

*Dean's office

My college age DD is being physically and verbally/emotionally abused by her boyfriend. She lives in a dorm on campus; he lives in an apartment nearby. The abuse is occurring at the apartment. I do not know many details, as she is not fully sharing it with me in detail, but the apartment neighbors called the police last month. By the time the police arrived, he had left. My DD texted me the next day and told me. She also texted one of her sisters.

After that incident, I called the national domestic violence hotline and they were very helpful. I may call them again. They gave me good talking points to help my daughter. I do feel that the lines of communication are open with my daughter and she trusts me, so I have an opening to be able to help. I am completely in the dark about this topic as I have not experienced it ever in my life in any form. Our daughter experienced it in her early years with her first family prior to going into foster care. (We adopted her at an older age). She is now experiencing it again. We are uncertain what to do.

A second violent incident occurred two days ago. My DD texted that she had some pain yesterday. When I suggested the pain came from the incident on Tuesday, she did not confirm or deny. I asked her to go to the doctor to get her injury treated. I do think she will go, but I don't think she will tell the doctor how it happened.

I guess I'm asking for ideas and advice on how to support her and empower her without alienating her. I am tempted to contact this boyfriend myself and give him a piece of my mind, but I worry about that exacerbating the situation for my DD. Things are already escalating. I did call the Feans office at her college. She had previously signed a release allowing us to talk with this office. They said they would do a wellness check on her. I'm certain she would not tell them the truth.