Good job on cutting back. Keep it up, even if you remain on the sh!t list.

My tips for how to deal - don't sink their level, set an example and be the type of person you wish they were. Bring an outdoor game or other game or activity and play with the kids instead of sitting around with the miserable adults.

Anonymous wrote:Read the book called Boundaries. And learn not to care what your crazy ass family thinks.

I know this is my end goal, but I am having difficulty achieving it. I've come a long way, and am kind of proud that I've gotten to the point of declining a lot of the dinners etc, but I still sort of agonize over it and really wish I could decline even more. I just need to get there from here. Not caring would be amazing.

I'd let them enjoy their Stockholm syndrome and make it for a couple hours a month if I felt like it. If that's a problem for them I'd make it a couple hours a year.

If they insist you come more often I'd let them know that you can't afford the therapy bill and that when you are with them more often you have to go to the therapist more often. Let them stew on that and throw out gems like "I have a right to my feelings" "you did the best you knew how" "love is a behavior, not a feeling".

are you close to the "good eggs" in your family? are you able to speak to them freely and tell them what you wrote in your OP? This might be a case where it would be easier to have a bigger group of you band together and change the Sunday Evening meals or something.

Anonymous wrote:Decide what your boundaries are and your limitations. It's perfectly fine to go to half of weekly events. It doesn't make you a bad daughter/bad family member.

I agree - but it's hard to give more specific advice because of the lack of details regarding the 'unpleasantness'. You also need to think about what you want to model for your kids. If Grandpa is a raving Trump supporter and blasting Mexicans, how do you want your kids to handle that sort of thing when they're adults? How do you want them feeling about visiting dysfunctional family members?

Get a standing Sunday night excuse--a book club, church group, volunteer activity. Miss it once a month "to be with family." Take the good, ignore the bad.

Read the book called Boundaries. And learn not to care what your crazy ass family thinks.

Decide what your boundaries are and your limitations. It's perfectly fine to go to half of weekly events. It doesn't make you a bad daughter/bad family member.

Establish a pattern of visits, calls, contact that is agreeable for you. You are in control of your time. Encourage getting together at a neutral location - that way you don't have to work on getting them out of your house when you would like them to leave. For special occasions at home suggest buffet-style meals not sit-down. You want to be able to mingle and change company. At gatherings away from your own house, always drive yourself. Again, you want to be in charge of your time and when you can leave. No reason you need to agree to open-ended invitations.

Anonymous wrote:
In my twenties I understood I needed to move very far away from the dysfunction. Which I did.

I understand that with your job and your husband's job and children in school, this might not be feasible, but honestly moving is the best solution. You won't be the bad guy, since you will be "moving for work", and you will actually be happy to see them again, you know, when you can take off from work, every year (not more than once a year).

We lived about four hours away for about four years, and it was perfect (just saw everyone on holidays). The problem is that my husband's family lives here too, and they are completely wonderful. Also, as early as when we were dating, he was clear that he eventually wanted to move back here and raise his kids here, in the same place he was raised and near his family, and I was always in agreement with that. So when he got the perfect job offer here a couple years ago, we moved. I had a REALLY hard time with it, because we were moving to my family as well and I knew that would be challenging, but I also knew I'd agreed to it and he really wanted it, and that it would be good for our kids because all of their cousins are here, and some fantastic aunts and uncles among the "good" eggs in the family, and his parents (who our children are incredibly close with and even stay with during the day now while we're at work, now that his parents are retired). We've got the best of the best here, but also some of the worst of the worst. If it were not for his family, I'd run away as fast as I could.

In my twenties I understood I needed to move very far away from the dysfunction. Which I did.

I understand that with your job and your husband's job and children in school, this might not be feasible, but honestly moving is the best solution. You won't be the bad guy, since you will be "moving for work", and you will actually be happy to see them again, you know, when you can take off from work, every year (not more than once a year).

I have a large family (five adult kids, all have families of our own) and we all live in the same small town. There is some real dysfunction in the family, and my parents are pretty unpleasant to be around, but everyone seems committed to maintaining this "we're a great family" facade. Things are not so bad that I would go low contact or no contact at this point, but I find it really hard to be around and it stresses me out. The family has Sunday night meals at my parents' house, which most of us do not enjoy, but go along with. I probably make up excuses at least half the time (which puts me on the "shit list" but I'm learning not to care as much out that), but I still dread the Sunday nights we're over there.

Without going into details of the specific dysfunction and things that make it unpleasant (almost seems beside the point), does anyone have tips for navigating this? Ways to enjoy all the kids and the family members who are pleasant without feeling dragged down by the negative aspects and interactions? Ways to spend less time together but maintain positive relationships? Ways to ... just deal?