Ugh, op! I feel for you! I'm in a similar situation - My parents live in the Midwest (my mom doesn't work!) yet rarely visit. It's so hard to not feel completely rejected. We have 3 young kids and 1 with severe asd, so we could of course use the help. I'll never understand why a grandparent is disinterested in their grand child's life. At least I know what kind of grandparent I want to be.

Anonymous wrote:op: How to avoid thoughts of "you'll regret this when you're old and you need my help"?

I don't think this a quid pro quo type of thing. If you are going to start bean counting, you need to give them credit for taking care of you for the better part of two decades.

You need to build your support network with the willing, able and ready (and may have to pay for it). Some grandparents are up to the task and some are not. Mine did a bait and switch kinds of thing and ended up being vacation ad holiday grandparents (with us doing more of the driving) and did not want a real relationship with thei grandchildren. Having SN grandchildren did little to change that. it is what it is. Concentrate on what you can do and what you can control.

It does hurt and it sucks but it could be worse. Consentrate on your blessings.

Find help from another venue. I needed help and didn't get it from family, but once I had another option in place (granted, I had to pay for it), I stopped wishing things were different.

I'd just settle for mine remembering SN child's birthday.
It's not like they have a fleet of grandkids...only 2.

What kind of help are you expecting?

Watch the kids for 10 minutes while I take a shower?
Can you keep an eye on Larla while I empty the dishwasher?
Could you make sure Larlo doesn't fall out of his gait trainer?

OR

Can you do floor time with Larla for an hour every morning?
Are you available to lead the brownie troop because I have to go to therapeutic swim with Larlette?
Can you give us $100,000 to enroll Larlo in private school?

Maybe they don't realize you need help

Anonymous wrote:op: How to avoid thoughts of "you'll regret this when you're old and you need my help"?

Sweetly suggest to them that they begin their long term care planning, because you know, you are just really overwhelmed with all of Larla's needs and the financial burden of caring for Larla.

Then forget about it.

op: How to avoid thoughts of "you'll regret this when you're old and you need my help"?

Anonymous wrote:They raised their kids. They are older, and probably have less energy.

Caring for SN kids is tough even on parents. Not all grandparents are up to the task. If yours are not, please don't risk your child's well being by asking or expecting them to step up.

It probably really sucks OP.

None of my kid's grandparents were able to help with my kid with an ASD. I had no family to help. None at all. It sucked a bunch.

I don't expect help. They live overseas anyway, but even when they visit, I don't expect them to understand the special need, or know how to handle it.

Anonymous wrote:I probably just need a stern lecture. Remind me why they don't have to help. I just need it spelled out.

You don't want them helping. You really don't.

Methods of treatment for kids with SN and interventions for kids with SN have come a long way since they raised their kids. Current approaches to SN are really different from the ones they learned as parents. Most grandparents can't make the adjustment from what they knew about how to raise kids with SN to what we know now. They aren't helpful. It's a bigger hassle than it's worth to try to get them very involved.

They raised their kids. They are older, and probably have less energy.

Caring for SN kids is tough even on parents. Not all grandparents are up to the task. If yours are not, please don't risk your child's well being by asking or expecting them to step up.

It probably really sucks OP.

I probably just need a stern lecture. Remind me why they don't have to help. I just need it spelled out.

Not sure why you would be expecting help. But then again have you asked specifically for help you need?

Any tips for lowering one's expectations of receiving any help from the grandparents?