Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

I've had to help my mom toilet and get dressed, so I can speak to this. It's hard emotionally because it's in-your-face evidence that the parent you knew is gone. It's unpleasant because it drastically changes your relationship. It's gross because dealing with another person's fecal matter is gross no matter their or your age. (I have three kids, one still in diapers, so I deal in poop a lot.)

And, then it's never just about the act of what you're doing. It's what it represents to your parent: loss of control, loss of power in the parent-child dynamic, loss of dignity, loss of privacy, and many other losses. So, the parent may resent the help, make demands that make it harder to accomplish, etc.

As for the OP's question, a big part of the answer depends on resources. Does your parent have long term care insurance (we all should!)? A LTCI plan can help significantly defray the costs of caregivers or assisted living facilities. You just won't be able to care for young kids and an ailing parent on your own. Their needs will compete and will often be opposite of one another. You'll need help. Caregiver agencies are a huge help if you want the parent to remain at home. Some local DC companies are Home Instead, Comforcare, Visiting Angels, Capital City Nurses, and many others. They deal with scheduling, taxes, etc. for you. You'll also need to make sure other family or friends are engaged in the emotional/social support of the parent. Get a visit rotation going to make sure the parent has outlets that aren't just centered on you and your family.

I'm four years into being my mom's life manager and it's gotten a lot easier with time. It's really hard, though.

Sandwich generation sucks. I'm sorry for you, OP, and wish you all the best and lots of luck!!

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

I have this thought a lot, because I come from a culture where inter-generational bonds are bit more stressed than in general now. BUT I also haven;t been there yet, and you know what they say about walking a mile in another's shoes. I can't fault anyone when I have no idea what it is like.

I have to say though, I kind of hope it becomes a real conversation to have. We really got sort of convinced in the last couple generations that having kids anything before mid to late 30s is for those who don't have anything better left to do, it just isn't always the best thing if your parents did the same thing. Not necessarily bad but something worth talking about. I was 33 and 35. I would love it if my kids had kids closer to 30.

Why is it so hard for adult children to take care of a parent's personal grooming at the end of life- especially when we have done similar things for our children at the beginning of their lives?

Anonymous wrote:It is tough. Even a parent in assisted living may need a fair amount of care from you -- someone to go with them to doctor's appts, to advocate if meds aren't working/are having negative side effects, report new symptoms to various doctors, coordinate care between all the doctors and other medical staff (PT, care givers, etc.) If the parent has in home care, you need to be the "boss" of the caregivers -- manage schedules, do payroll/taxes, deal with conflicts etc. If you have a parent with a slow moving debilitating condition (i.e., dementia, or something else that won't kill them but will require a lot of care) you may have to play this role for a long time. GL.

And I want to add . . . we went the assisted living route. Still a lot of work for me (only child in the DC area) but at least I am not changing my parent's diapers. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I couldn't do it (physically and emotionally) on top of working and parenting small children. We don't have room for a parent plus caregiver in our house, so the other option was to hire round the clock in home care for my parent at their home. We considered that (it may have been slightly cheaper than the assisted living place) but I was worried about it. Much like having a nanny, it is hard to find someone (or multiple people, for round the clock care) that you trust and you and your parent can have a good relationship with. Caregiving for a heavy, ornery senior is hard work. Many caregivers come and go, are not reliable, etc. and/or require you to ignore illegal immigration status. I was afraid of not being able to find a good caregiving situation, so we opted for assisted living. The caregivers there are not perfect, either, but at least I am not managing them.

It is tough. Even a parent in assisted living may need a fair amount of care from you -- someone to go with them to doctor's appts, to advocate if meds aren't working/are having negative side effects, report new symptoms to various doctors, coordinate care between all the doctors and other medical staff (PT, care givers, etc.) If the parent has in home care, you need to be the "boss" of the caregivers -- manage schedules, do payroll/taxes, deal with conflicts etc. If you have a parent with a slow moving debilitating condition (i.e., dementia, or something else that won't kill them but will require a lot of care) you may have to play this role for a long time. GL.

Assisted living is the key to your sanity.

Unfortunately most of the places around here are very expensive.

Look at places in the Shenandoah Valley, they are more affordable.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any respite care? How much is your parent capable of doing? My kids are in elementary school, are involved in many activities, and we are on the go a lot. Parent is 80 and in failing health.

No respite care, at the moment he can stand up and shuffle to bed chair with walker, then do same to get into wheelchair and same to get into living room chair that is one of those that can lay flat and can push him almost up to a standing position. DH and DC are doing other things around the edges. Hospice comes in twice a week for a sponge bath and a nurse stops buy once a week. The SW comes about every other week. In September, He started out being quite independent and we shuffle to all of his doctors appoints, surgeries and 6 weeks of daily radiation..... He is 84 and I don't know if he will last the month. For DC, DH is taking up some of the slack and we have car pools if need be. We solve each thing as it comes up, you can figure it all out at once. Just address each thing one at a time and chip away.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any respite care? How much is your parent capable of doing? My kids are in elementary school, are involved in many activities, and we are on the go a lot. Parent is 80 and in failing health.

No respite care, at the moment he can stand up and shuffle to bed chair with walker, then do same to get into wheelchair and same to get into living room chair that is one of those that can lay flat and can push him almost up to a standing position. DH and DC are doing other things around the edges. Hospice comes in twice a week for a sponge bath and a nurse stops buy once a week. The SW comes about every other week. In September, He started out being quite independent and we shuffle to all of his doctors appoints, surgeries and 6 weeks of daily radiation..... He is 84 and I don't know if he will last the month. For DC, DH is taking up some of the slack and we have car pools if need be. We solve each thing as it comes up, you can figure it all out at once. Just address each thing one at a time and chip away.

We had to move my MIL here. I took care of her for 6 months and then we had to place her in a nursing home as the dementia was far to much for me/us. I wasn't working. I can't imagine doing it working. I still spend a lot of time managing her affairs, dealing with the nursing home and making sure her needs are met. If you can, try to find housing nearby in assisted living (they have low income ones if money is an issue) or get a caregiver. We didn't have a caregiver and it was tuff. Adult day care was a nightmare and not worth it.

I'm 50... no kids... sister has mental health issues, mom deceased, father has dementia, favorite aunt is up in NYC and just diagnosed with nontreatable leukemia (JAK2)....

I wish I had adults kids to rely on. Just 53 here and I have no life

Register with A Place for Mom. Helpful resources.

Also are you sure this health issue requires in home care 24x7?

If you can afford it- get an apt near you with help several days a week, or assisted living.

Do you have any respite care? How much is your parent capable of doing? My kids are in elementary school, are involved in many activities, and we are on the go a lot. Parent is 80 and in failing health.

I am currently doing the 24/7 care for my ailing parent in our home. Kids are older though and able to do quite a bit on their own.

What are your tips for balancing demands of children and aging parents? I'm dealing with a parent's sudden healthcare crisis long-distance and may need parent to move closer to me. I'm not sure if I can handle 24/7 care in my home while taking care of kids and I feel guilty about that. If you've been in a similar situation, what have you done?