I'm more like 15:13's wife. I had to really come to terms with what I was doing to damage my marriage, and it's not been pretty looking in the mirror lately. My husband is no saint, but I've had to look honestly at myself recently and make the decision to change. I was jolted to reality when my husband took our non-hybrid car to work one day and left me with the hybrid. I hadn't realized how much I wanted to turn the car on and go to sleep that day than the searing disappointment in opening the garage door and seeing the stupid hybrid mocking me! It probably saved my life that day....

I had gone to doctors and told them I wasn't right, but they really blow you off. I can't stand them. So I made the decision THAT day to call a doctor, ask specifically for a depression screening, and called a counselor, and got started putting my life back together. It's been slow, and I've been through other issues (dad passing away suddenly, cat dying suddenly, both within 2 weeks of each other) but I'm hanging in there and hoping the changes I make in myself will bring us back together. I have a lot of atoning to do, but I can't really focus on that right now. I will in the future, whatever that holds, but my focus is trying to get healthy. So far, we're starting to resemble happy. I hope it sticks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped being so focused on everything that I felt I wasn't getting, or that I felt my partner was doing wrong/wasn't doing. It wasn't that I didn't have valid complaints in some respects as I did. But it had just turned into a focus on the other person when I needed to focus on me and building a team. I decided to make sure I did my best to improve the relationship and it was amazing once I kind of stopped being so outward-focused and made some changes, my partner got into the game too and made changes.

I also revised my expectstions. I didn't even realize how I had a rose-colored view of marriage. It didn't seem unrealistic at the time, but it was. I needed to be more accepting that a marriage isn't easy all of the time. I needed to see it as a marathon vs a sprint. I needed to hear from some of my friends to recognize that everyone struggles and no one is perfect, and what I 'wanted' may not really exist outside of movies or the rare rare couple that does seem to always be completey in synch. I had to accept that life was messy. Love is messy.

Thanks for this and very good food for thought.

Ditto. I could have used this post a year or ten ago!

Brink of divorce as of a few months ago - we're in marriage counseling now, DH is in individual counseling for an addiction. Our communication has greatly improved. Still learning new things each day/week and at counseling about us and him about himself. So far it's going well. I say we have a ways to go and years before I could fully trust him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:13, you are amazing.

+1. after what i went through, i really appreciate hearing what you had to do to keep your kids safe, get your DW to see the light, and keep your family intact...and that you are now reaping the benefits.

i had a post partum mental health crisis and my DH was in complete denial, even after i asked him for help after our second DC was born. he ignored it while i was so depressed (think suicidal ideation/wishing i could be hit by a bus and have it all end). i was a SAHM with no community and had to claw my way back to mental stability with literally no help from DH. i went back to work FT and after a year of being back at work i was *this close* to walking out on him. when i confronted him, he actually accused me of being depressed for so many years. i asked him "what did you do to help me with that?" he couldn't answer because the truth was NOTHING. i was utterly on my own with two children under the age of two, the PPD lasted more than a year, it was terrifying and i am still pretty traumatized by it.

we did a year of marriage counseling (i did 6 months of IC). now, 5 months post-counseling, and now that my youngest is 5, we are both seeing the error of our ways. i recently had the flu and i was scared to death about how not helpful DH would be, given his track record of not taking care of me. but, he was amazing. it was like being married to a different person. it gave me much more confidence in my marriage.

that innocent "being in love" feeling has been long gone. i am doubtful it will ever come back. but, i have been working on the forgiveness aspect, which is so very hard. but, if we can continually treat each other with respect and let go of our resentments, i am hoping to get to a place where i trust him and can, once again, actually feel like he is my one of my best friends, instead of somebody that i have to tolerate to keep my family intact.

15:13 here. Thanks and I'm so sorry you went through that crisis. My wife also had severe PPD that was veering into post-partum psychosis. It's such a serious, serious condition and what makes me so angry is that men have very little knowledge about it. Sure, they may have heard about PPD. But many aren't participating in the healthcare of their wife or baby. Who is going to the prenatal appointments mostly? Women. Who is taking the baby to the ped since she's on maternity leave? The mother. Because of the way our screwed up society's view parental and family leave, men are often (not always) on the outside of the pregnancy prenatal care and early well baby visits so providers aren't even able to question them about whether there are PPD concerns. I have become very active in promoting and supporting raising awareness to husbands because they really are the first support line. Many men don't think about the hormonal effects a woman goes through post-partum because they can't feel them. I'm not saying men should be all over a woman's prenatal care or hyper-vigilant about PPD. I just think society has given men a pass to be a part of their wive's support system. I don't know if I'm making sense, but my intent isn't to call for men to take over women's healthcare. It's for them to be supportive spouses who actually are available in times of crisis.

I am so happy you got well PP. It's a hard road, but I am so happy you made it back with such grace and dignity.

Anonymous wrote:15:13, you are amazing.

+1. after what i went through, i really appreciate hearing what you had to do to keep your kids safe, get your DW to see the light, and keep your family intact...and that you are now reaping the benefits.

i had a post partum mental health crisis and my DH was in complete denial, even after i asked him for help after our second DC was born. he ignored it while i was so depressed (think suicidal ideation/wishing i could be hit by a bus and have it all end). i was a SAHM with no community and had to claw my way back to mental stability with literally no help from DH. i went back to work FT and after a year of being back at work i was *this close* to walking out on him. when i confronted him, he actually accused me of being depressed for so many years. i asked him "what did you do to help me with that?" he couldn't answer because the truth was NOTHING. i was utterly on my own with two children under the age of two, the PPD lasted more than a year, it was terrifying and i am still pretty traumatized by it.

we did a year of marriage counseling (i did 6 months of IC). now, 5 months post-counseling, and now that my youngest is 5, we are both seeing the error of our ways. i recently had the flu and i was scared to death about how not helpful DH would be, given his track record of not taking care of me. but, he was amazing. it was like being married to a different person. it gave me much more confidence in my marriage.

that innocent "being in love" feeling has been long gone. i am doubtful it will ever come back. but, i have been working on the forgiveness aspect, which is so very hard. but, if we can continually treat each other with respect and let go of our resentments, i am hoping to get to a place where i trust him and can, once again, actually feel like he is my one of my best friends, instead of somebody that i have to tolerate to keep my family intact.

15:13, you are amazing.

I took a huge, huge step back and tried to gain some perspective. My wife suffered from pretty serious depression and refused treatment. It got so bad that it wasn't necessarily safe to have the kids alone with her. Seriously. I took the kids to daycare in the morning, picked them up, and we had dinner as a family. I spent pretty much every weekend moment in the same space with the kids. There were some signs that made me concerned and leaving wasn't an option because quite frankly on paper it looked like it made more sense for the children to stay with her since her depression was untreated and undiagnosed and there was no record of any issue. I kept it fun and light and happy but I had an eye on the reality that getting divorced would likely put them in even more danger because I could see my wife's refusal to get treatment get worse. I went for a consultation with an attorney and she pretty much confirmed my thoughts. No record, at best, you are splitting custody and with my wife not working it was likely she could make a play for full physical custody and visitation for me. So, getting divorced would not really fix anything and likely make things even worse. So, I dug in and tried harder to save my marriage.

I pretty much functioned like a single parent. I didn't exactly have a hard line in the sand, but I think seeing me do this for a few months made her realize that I was serious and got her to go to therapy (well, hospital, actually. She was admitted to an in-patient program). My therapist actually helped me realize that I could only manage my own emotions and what I contribute to the marriage. I couldn't **make** my wife do anything. I could support but it was out of my hands.

After several months of this, it got her to then go to therapy and really take her health back. I pretty much put my entire family on my back, being the sole income earner, default parent who was trying to save his wife's life. Because in spite of everything, I truly love my wife and wanted her to get the help she desperately needed. I was planning on bringing her parents into the picture for an intervention if that didn't work. If even that didn't work, I was planning on leaving and seeking full physical custody. I figured at that point the record would be clear enough that I could make this happen.

We are fifteen years removed from that crisis. Let me tell you a mental health crisis is NO JOKE. But our marriage is amazingly strong because we got through that fire. We actually are facing the other side of things, an empty nest, and there is this whole adventure of life in front of us that I can't wait to share. The hard times are universal. But we all have to define our own line of what we are willing to do and accept and what we aren't. Marriage is such an intensely personal thing that transcends romance. I don't know what would I would use to describe it beyond feeling a fundamental connection that is bigger than anything I've felt before.

Marriage counseling, and we paid the $$$ to do the loveatfirstfight.com work. Saved our marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I stopped being so focused on everything that I felt I wasn't getting, or that I felt my partner was doing wrong/wasn't doing. It wasn't that I didn't have valid complaints in some respects as I did. But it had just turned into a focus on the other person when I needed to focus on me and building a team. I decided to make sure I did my best to improve the relationship and it was amazing once I kind of stopped being so outward-focused and made some changes, my partner got into the game too and made changes.

I also revised my expectstions. I didn't even realize how I had a rose-colored view of marriage. It didn't seem unrealistic at the time, but it was. I needed to be more accepting that a marriage isn't easy all of the time. I needed to see it as a marathon vs a sprint. I needed to hear from some of my friends to recognize that everyone struggles and no one is perfect, and what I 'wanted' may not really exist outside of movies or the rare rare couple that does seem to always be completey in synch. I had to accept that life was messy. Love is messy.

Thanks for this and very good food for thought.

We got divorced. Not living together made a world of difference. We're good friends now and co-parent fabulously.

I stopped being so focused on everything that I felt I wasn't getting, or that I felt my partner was doing wrong/wasn't doing. It wasn't that I didn't have valid complaints in some respects as I did. But it had just turned into a focus on the other person when I needed to focus on me and building a team. I decided to make sure I did my best to improve the relationship and it was amazing once I kind of stopped being so outward-focused and made some changes, my partner got into the game too and made changes.

I also revised my expectstions. I didn't even realize how I had a rose-colored view of marriage. It didn't seem unrealistic at the time, but it was. I needed to be more accepting that a marriage isn't easy all of the time. I needed to see it as a marathon vs a sprint. I needed to hear from some of my friends to recognize that everyone struggles and no one is perfect, and what I 'wanted' may not really exist outside of movies or the rare rare couple that does seem to always be completey in synch. I had to accept that life was messy. Love is messy.

After some marriage counseling, she decided we would treat each other better, just try to coexist better. It was fantastic.

Anonymous wrote:Yes communication opened up.

As in you started communicating better?

Yes communication opened up.

Please tell me what you personally changed that helped things.