Anonymous
04/04/2016 12:50
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it
counseling. Because that's a pretty nuclear thing to say during a fight.
Agree with this but I don't even know if I would pursue counseling. Using breaking up as a threat to shut down an argument will just leave the other person constantly terrified of bringing up any issues they have because they don't want their partner to leave. BTDT, if you say you want to break up, you better mean it because I'm going to assume you do and treat the relationship as over.
BTDT too. I spent years of my life in a relationship with a man who did this (and other emotionally abusive things). Then I spent years rebuilding my self esteem to the point where I could end it with him. Then I spent years trying to figure out healthy boundaries so I could meet the right man who is secure enough that he doesn't need pull this crap to get attention.
OP, if I were you, the next time he put a breakup on the table, I would walk away.
+1. I'm in it now. Every time things get difficult my husband threatens divorce. This has led to me absolutely refusing to address anything of substance and I'm just sort of skating along, waiting for the right time. It kills the idea of a partnership or even friendship, let alone any intimacy in terms of being close to someone. It's no way to live, and if you're not married, I would get out now while you can.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 12:45
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it
counseling. Because that's a pretty nuclear thing to say during a fight.
Agree with this but I don't even know if I would pursue counseling. Using breaking up as a threat to shut down an argument will just leave the other person constantly terrified of bringing up any issues they have because they don't want their partner to leave. BTDT, if you say you want to break up, you better mean it because I'm going to assume you do and treat the relationship as over.
BTDT too. I spent years of my life in a relationship with a man who did this (and other emotionally abusive things). Then I spent years rebuilding my self esteem to the point where I could end it with him. Then I spent years trying to figure out healthy boundaries so I could meet the right man who is secure enough that he doesn't need pull this crap to get attention.
OP, if I were you, the next time he put a breakup on the table, I would walk away.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 12:36
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it
counseling. Because that's a pretty nuclear thing to say during a fight.
Agree with this but I don't even know if I would pursue counseling. Using breaking up as a threat to shut down an argument will just leave the other person constantly terrified of bringing up any issues they have because they don't want their partner to leave. BTDT, if you say you want to break up, you better mean it because I'm going to assume you do and treat the relationship as over.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 12:33
Subject: Re:How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Apologize. And not a "I am sorry that you misinterpreted what I said" half apology that is really about the other person making a mistake. Actually apologize. "I am sorry for ..... I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I will make sure that I don't [...] again." Then, don't do it. The other person can continue to talk, but there is no need to be nuclear and threaten breaking up.
"I am sorry I talked to another woman at the bar and touched her arm. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure that I don't flirt with someone again."
"I am sorry I left the dishes in the sink and did not clean up, even after you had already cleaned the kitchen once. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure I keep the kitchen clean from now on."
It pretty much takes the wind out of someone's sails to admit your mistake. As a PP pointed out, most people want to "win" the fight. The fight becomes about how you can talk to whomever you want at a bar. Talking is not cheating. She was talking to me. One dish never killed anyone. The fight becomes defending your actions. When really, the thing that matters is that your actions negatively impacted a person who you care deeply about and who you did not intend to hurt. If you admit that, then you both can move on.
All of this assumes that the other person is equally, usually, rational and emotionally stable. Not someone who is abusive or who holds things over your head or who is so emotionally wound up that EVERYTHING is an attack. But, for most people, this works.
Are you male or a female?
Has it worked for you (or has it worked on you, if you are not the one apologizing)?
Anonymous
04/04/2016 12:25
Subject: Re:How to turn around a fight?
Apologize. And not a "I am sorry that you misinterpreted what I said" half apology that is really about the other person making a mistake. Actually apologize. "I am sorry for ..... I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I will make sure that I don't [...] again." Then, don't do it. The other person can continue to talk, but there is no need to be nuclear and threaten breaking up.
"I am sorry I talked to another woman at the bar and touched her arm. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure that I don't flirt with someone again."
"I am sorry I left the dishes in the sink and did not clean up, even after you had already cleaned the kitchen once. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure I keep the kitchen clean from now on."
It pretty much takes the wind out of someone's sails to admit your mistake. As a PP pointed out, most people want to "win" the fight. The fight becomes about how you can talk to whomever you want at a bar. Talking is not cheating. She was talking to me. One dish never killed anyone. The fight becomes defending your actions. When really, the thing that matters is that your actions negatively impacted a person who you care deeply about and who you did not intend to hurt. If you admit that, then you both can move on.
All of this assumes that the other person is equally, usually, rational and emotionally stable. Not someone who is abusive or who holds things over your head or who is so emotionally wound up that EVERYTHING is an attack. But, for most people, this works.
"I am sorry I talked to another woman at the bar and touched her arm. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure that I don't flirt with someone again."
"I am sorry I left the dishes in the sink and did not clean up, even after you had already cleaned the kitchen once. I did not intend to hurt your feelings or make you upset. I did not think about what I was doing. I will make sure I keep the kitchen clean from now on."
It pretty much takes the wind out of someone's sails to admit your mistake. As a PP pointed out, most people want to "win" the fight. The fight becomes about how you can talk to whomever you want at a bar. Talking is not cheating. She was talking to me. One dish never killed anyone. The fight becomes defending your actions. When really, the thing that matters is that your actions negatively impacted a person who you care deeply about and who you did not intend to hurt. If you admit that, then you both can move on.
All of this assumes that the other person is equally, usually, rational and emotionally stable. Not someone who is abusive or who holds things over your head or who is so emotionally wound up that EVERYTHING is an attack. But, for most people, this works.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 11:45
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Op here. have you ever been in a fight where you knew neither wanted to break up? But it was just a really bad fight. How do you change the direction of the fight and work towards fixing things, not ending them?
My DH and I had one or two fights early in our relationship when we put breaking up on the table. It wasn't a threat or a defense mechanism so much as an indicator that the issue was really, really serious and that not resolving it in a way that worked for both of us would be a deal-breaker.
The key is to recognize that, and say that instead, because "I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP THEN" is inflammatory and not a great way to get anyone talking about resolution.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 11:11
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:Drop your dukes. Figure out what you are digging in your heels about and concede.
If your partner then wallops you over the head with their "win" YOU break up with them because they are a jerk.
ok yes. good advice
Anonymous
04/04/2016 11:11
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Op here. have you ever been in a fight where you knew neither wanted to break up? But it was just a really bad fight. How do you change the direction of the fight and work towards fixing things, not ending them?
Anonymous
04/04/2016 11:02
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:What do you say to take a fight in a different direction? When your significant other is talking about breaking up? Have you ever said anything to change their minds? Or solve a problem so a break up wouldn't happen?
I don't know your situation, but one option if someone is suggesting a break up is to take them at their word. Like the old saying: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 10:56
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Drop your dukes. Figure out what you are digging in your heels about and concede.
If your partner then wallops you over the head with their "win" YOU break up with them because they are a jerk.
If your partner then wallops you over the head with their "win" YOU break up with them because they are a jerk.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 10:45
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
If that's their defense mechanism I'd be getting out. I couldn't be with someone who constantly threatens to leave. It wouldn't be emotionally healthy for me. I grew up in a home with that dynamic and worked hard to change it. Can't go back to that.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 10:43
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
Anonymous wrote:What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it
counseling. Because that's a pretty nuclear thing to say during a fight.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 10:39
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
What if they just use "breaking up" as a defense mechanism. What if they don't really want to, but are just saying it
Anonymous
04/04/2016 10:21
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
If they're talking about breaking up, I think it's too far gone, especially if you're not even married.
Our fight icebreaker is to touch each other. Whether it's grabbing the other person's hand or hugging. And then we say we're sorry. But we are sorry and we try not to repeat mistakes again. If you constantly say you're sorry and don't change, it's worthless.
Our fight icebreaker is to touch each other. Whether it's grabbing the other person's hand or hugging. And then we say we're sorry. But we are sorry and we try not to repeat mistakes again. If you constantly say you're sorry and don't change, it's worthless.
Anonymous
04/04/2016 09:34
Subject: How to turn around a fight?
What do you say to take a fight in a different direction? When your significant other is talking about breaking up? Have you ever said anything to change their minds? Or solve a problem so a break up wouldn't happen?