Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

+1,000,000

This right here. Your mother's attitude towards you is horrible.

The only person I give play by plays to are DH and the therapists for one DD who has issues. And even those are minimal.

Too much togetherness. What did you expect? And people aren't perfect. People blurt out stupid things. The specifics of who said what is not very important. You've chosen to be closely intertwined and rely on someone - someone whom you can't be a boss to, or fire, or end the relationship. This comes at steep (emotional) price.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

+1,000,000

Yep, I agree also.

And, if your son naps better at daycare than w/ your mother then you are doing the right thing for him. I am firm believer in the primary importance of good sleep (for everyone, but especially for little ones.)

Keep your mother as an option for sick days, holidays, date nights, etc... But free yourself from her judgment.

Before you put your son in daycare, have a frank talk with your mom. Explain all of your feelings. Part of this issue is about approval, but part of it is that your mom helps significantly with your son and she may have lost some perspective. I think that is normal. See of she can step back a bit and realize that you are doing your best.

If she can't and continues to be judgemental, then you need to put your son in daycare and explain its best for everyone's good relationships.

Both of my sisters went through this to a lesser extent with my mom. She retired to watch one sister's son full time when my sister went back to work and was very involved with my other sister's oldest. My mom was trying to be supportive and helpful but in reality, she ended up undercutting my sisters and making them feel like they weren't capable of parenting on their own. My mom's relationship with my nephews AND my sisters improved drastically when my sisters pushed back and put their kids into daycare and had my mom be just grandma, not grandma/sort of stand in parent.

Some grandparents can easily balance the role of being the primary daycare provider with not undercutting the child's parents, some grandparents can't. It sounds like OPs mom may not be able to strike that balance so she needs to be "just grandma" not "grandma plus daycare provider."

Another one here who says to drop her doing care FT 2x/week. Why don't you have her do pick ups 3 x/ week after nap so he can have a shorter day at day care and you don't have to rush home for pick up. That would be ideal for me.

When my sister and mom get together we have conflict like that. We try to avoid all of us together. My mom worked and thinks I need to work. She does not help us and sees out kid every few weeks despite being nearby. I finally gave up caring what she thinks. Nothing I can do pleases her.

Stop having her watch your son. She needs to have a grandparent relationship with him, not a parent one. It was wrong of her to say that, but examine why it came out.

Can you offer her a regular weekend babysitting slot?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

+1,000,000

Yep, I agree also.

And, if your son naps better at daycare than w/ your mother then you are doing the right thing for him. I am firm believer in the primary importance of good sleep (for everyone, but especially for little ones.)

Keep your mother as an option for sick days, holidays, date nights, etc... But free yourself from her judgment.

Before you put your son in daycare, have a frank talk with your mom. Explain all of your feelings. Part of this issue is about approval, but part of it is that your mom helps significantly with your son and she may have lost some perspective. I think that is normal. See of she can step back a bit and realize that you are doing your best.

If she can't and continues to be judgemental, then you need to put your son in daycare and explain its best for everyone's good relationships.

This arrangement isn't working if you two are snapping at each other about stuff like this. You're too emotionally caught up in what it means to have grandma be a caretaker, and your mom is overstepping her bounds. Change it up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

+1,000,000

Yep, I agree also.

And, if your son naps better at daycare than w/ your mother then you are doing the right thing for him. I am firm believer in the primary importance of good sleep (for everyone, but especially for little ones.)

Keep your mother as an option for sick days, holidays, date nights, etc... But free yourself from her judgment.

I don't think the relationship between them or whatever you might save with the two days is worth it. She's all up in your life and your business because you've invited her in. If she feels that being at home is the best thing a mother can do (you will not change her mind, so let that hope go), then obviously she feels you aren't being a great mom. Seeking her approval will never work - she doesn't approve! You have to know you are a great mom rather than need for your mom to tell you. Don't have your mom be your regular child care giver. They will have a great and loving relationship regardless. You know what you need to do regarding the boundaries, so do it. It's not easy, but necessary because it will only get worse from here.

Anonymous wrote:A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

+1,000,000

A - stop seeking her approval, you said yourself you're never going to get it. Also, trying to get approval from your parents not a good reason to do ANYTHING when you're an adult.

B - put your son in daycare. Sure, he enjoys spending time with your mom but in the long run it will be better for him to have a mom that is not constantly being undermined by his grandmother/part-time caregiver.

This is more than a vent rather than a request for guidance or advice.

My mother and I are very close; I work full time and she watches my son 2x a week (the other 3 days a week he is in day care). She is very involved with him and likes me to give her play by play updates on how he is doing. He has always been a challenging sleeper since he was born, and he regularly will only take very short naps. He naps really well at day care but when he is home with her he will often only nap for an hour to an hour and a half. Its not great, but he is almost 2 and he is generally pretty pleasant even though he doesn't get as much sleep as is recommended at his age.

He was going to bed around 8, but after the time change, he regularly whines and resists going to bed and doesn't fall asleep until 9. On Saturday, he was exhausted during the day and actually napped for 3.5 hours while at home, so at bedtime, he REALLY did not want to go to bed and didn't fall asleep until 9:30.

Last night I had dinner at my sister's house, and my sister said that my son has me wrapped around his finger. My mom jumped in and agreed, and said that I need to be the parent. I said I am the parent and she snapped back "NO YOU ARE NOT!"

I was really hurt and upset by this. I feel like I am constantly seeking her approval and she will never give it to me. Its like I need to prove my worth to her as a mother. She does compliment the job I'm doing as a mother sometimes, but she always finds fault with the decisions I make. I am not a perfect parent, but by all reasonable measures, I am doing pretty darn well. My son is a delightful boy and is well cared for. He lives in a nice home in a great area, doesn't want for anything, and most importantly, he is LOVED. My mom was a full time stay at home mom, as is my sister, and she definitely thinks that being a stay at home mom is the best way to parent. I have to work, so that is not an option for me. Its like she holds it over my head that she helps us out by watching him two days a week. She seems to think she knows him better than I do, and that she cares for him as much as I do.

I don't really see a way to improve the situation other than establishing more boundaries between us. We could afford to put him in day care full time, but he loves being with her and I don't think it would be fair to him to change his day care situation just because my feelings are hurt and I'm angry with her.

She apologized but she never said that I am a good mother, she said that she knows I "do my best as a parent." Even in her "apology" she won't give me the approval I am seeking.

Anyway, vent over. I'm just feeling sad and don't see that this situation will ever really improve, and my only real choice is to set boundaries and stop seeking approval from her.