Anonymous
03/29/2016 20:57
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
My parents divorced after a long marriage. They were very unhappy and my mom began a long-term affair. Right now, they are courteous and make small talk well. My mom likes to believe we are all a big happy family, but of course we are not. Nobody likes her boyfriend (who has only recently divorced his own wife) and my dad refuses to spend time with him. So my mom likes to pretend that things are fine, and everyone else just avoids the situation. She just tells herself my dad is too busy.
It really is true that divorce = less grandchild time. My mom is not happy about this but there's nothing I can do, she should have thought of it when she made her life choices. I didn't really mind having divorced parents in my 20s and early 30s, but now that I am dragging a spouse and toddlers between their houses on the holidays, it sucks. Lots more logistical effort, money, and time. And I can already see that it's going to be hell when they're actually old and I have to care for them both in separate places.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband after 30 years. He has cheated on me for many years but I stayed and tried to work it out for the sake of our child. I can no longer sacrifice my happiness for the sake of even my most beloved child. I hope he will one day understand the hell I went through for so long. Your post makes you sound like YOU are the only important consideration. I hope I am wrong about that. Parents are people who deserve peace and happiness in their lives, or at least a chance.
Anonymous
03/29/2016 20:16
Subject: Re:Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 24 years. I had just finished college and was traveling the summer before law school. My sister was in medical school. We both were not surprised because their marriage wasn't fantastic, honestly. My mother resented being a parent, resented being a SAHM, resented never getting her career going, resented not traveling more, resented not having more money and was this sort of gloomy mess. My father was sort of this stoic work around from her chaos storm. He was steady, kind, funny, and warm to her cold, crazy, irrational anger.
She admitted to me the happiest day in her life was dropping me off in college because she could "finally live her own life." She said that to her own kid. My parents were young, though (not even 50, I think).
What I found more interesting what was happened after the divorce. My father filed, and just handed my mother half of everything and moved into a small condo in downtown Chicago. My mother spent a year stewing in our large suburban house before selling it (she got to keep the full proceeds in exchange for not seeking alimony -- something she mentioned often (i.e. "the house is MINE because that bastard isn't paying alimony."). She took the money and moved overseas. She lives in Asia, teaches English and travels a ton. From what I can gander from Facebook, she seems happy and free. Then again, I haven't seen her since my wedding (three kids later who she's never met) and I don't think my sister has seen her since she had a conference in Japan.
My father kept working for another 18 years and retired. He continued his own work and continued doing well professionally. He has a lovely friend who he has been with for 15 years. She's a nice woman and actually more a part of my life than my mother in terms of visits, phone calls to check in and coming to help when I had a medical crisis (breast cancer, which is thankfully in remission). My mother didn't even offer to come after I called her to tell her that news and did not call once to check in during that horrific year. My father's partner actually moved in (dad did as well) to help.
I actually have a realistic view of marriage. I think there's three seasons of a marriage. Pre-kids, kids, and post-kids. I think a lot of couples are great pre-kids and fall apart once kids happen. And for some people, it's easier to just muck along during the kids season because you know that there's like post-kids. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice there, but that you just need to commit to what deal you want to make. My father committed to the kid season and that was it. And I respect that choice.
Wow PP. you sound like a very together person. It sounds like your mom did what was expected of her, at a young age, and could not find the good in it all. Wishing you well, PP.
Anonymous
03/29/2016 13:45
Subject: Re:Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 24 years. I had just finished college and was traveling the summer before law school. My sister was in medical school. We both were not surprised because their marriage wasn't fantastic, honestly. My mother resented being a parent, resented being a SAHM, resented never getting her career going, resented not traveling more, resented not having more money and was this sort of gloomy mess. My father was sort of this stoic work around from her chaos storm. He was steady, kind, funny, and warm to her cold, crazy, irrational anger.
She admitted to me the happiest day in her life was dropping me off in college because she could "finally live her own life." She said that to her own kid. My parents were young, though (not even 50, I think).
What I found more interesting what was happened after the divorce. My father filed, and just handed my mother half of everything and moved into a small condo in downtown Chicago. My mother spent a year stewing in our large suburban house before selling it (she got to keep the full proceeds in exchange for not seeking alimony -- something she mentioned often (i.e. "the house is MINE because that bastard isn't paying alimony."). She took the money and moved overseas. She lives in Asia, teaches English and travels a ton. From what I can gander from Facebook, she seems happy and free. Then again, I haven't seen her since my wedding (three kids later who she's never met) and I don't think my sister has seen her since she had a conference in Japan.
My father kept working for another 18 years and retired. He continued his own work and continued doing well professionally. He has a lovely friend who he has been with for 15 years. She's a nice woman and actually more a part of my life than my mother in terms of visits, phone calls to check in and coming to help when I had a medical crisis (breast cancer, which is thankfully in remission). My mother didn't even offer to come after I called her to tell her that news and did not call once to check in during that horrific year. My father's partner actually moved in (dad did as well) to help.
I actually have a realistic view of marriage. I think there's three seasons of a marriage. Pre-kids, kids, and post-kids. I think a lot of couples are great pre-kids and fall apart once kids happen. And for some people, it's easier to just muck along during the kids season because you know that there's like post-kids. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice there, but that you just need to commit to what deal you want to make. My father committed to the kid season and that was it. And I respect that choice.
I could see my life ending up like your dad's. It's not my ideal, but doesn't sound like it is the worst fate imaginable.
Anonymous
03/29/2016 13:14
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
My parents divorced after 23 years so my dad could marry my stepmom. My parents had been separated for maybe 10 years at the time. They were all friendly for our sake.
Anonymous
03/29/2016 13:09
Subject: Re:Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
My parents divorced after 24 years. I had just finished college and was traveling the summer before law school. My sister was in medical school. We both were not surprised because their marriage wasn't fantastic, honestly. My mother resented being a parent, resented being a SAHM, resented never getting her career going, resented not traveling more, resented not having more money and was this sort of gloomy mess. My father was sort of this stoic work around from her chaos storm. He was steady, kind, funny, and warm to her cold, crazy, irrational anger.
She admitted to me the happiest day in her life was dropping me off in college because she could "finally live her own life." She said that to her own kid. My parents were young, though (not even 50, I think).
What I found more interesting what was happened after the divorce. My father filed, and just handed my mother half of everything and moved into a small condo in downtown Chicago. My mother spent a year stewing in our large suburban house before selling it (she got to keep the full proceeds in exchange for not seeking alimony -- something she mentioned often (i.e. "the house is MINE because that bastard isn't paying alimony."). She took the money and moved overseas. She lives in Asia, teaches English and travels a ton. From what I can gander from Facebook, she seems happy and free. Then again, I haven't seen her since my wedding (three kids later who she's never met) and I don't think my sister has seen her since she had a conference in Japan.
My father kept working for another 18 years and retired. He continued his own work and continued doing well professionally. He has a lovely friend who he has been with for 15 years. She's a nice woman and actually more a part of my life than my mother in terms of visits, phone calls to check in and coming to help when I had a medical crisis (breast cancer, which is thankfully in remission). My mother didn't even offer to come after I called her to tell her that news and did not call once to check in during that horrific year. My father's partner actually moved in (dad did as well) to help.
I actually have a realistic view of marriage. I think there's three seasons of a marriage. Pre-kids, kids, and post-kids. I think a lot of couples are great pre-kids and fall apart once kids happen. And for some people, it's easier to just muck along during the kids season because you know that there's like post-kids. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice there, but that you just need to commit to what deal you want to make. My father committed to the kid season and that was it. And I respect that choice.
She admitted to me the happiest day in her life was dropping me off in college because she could "finally live her own life." She said that to her own kid. My parents were young, though (not even 50, I think).
What I found more interesting what was happened after the divorce. My father filed, and just handed my mother half of everything and moved into a small condo in downtown Chicago. My mother spent a year stewing in our large suburban house before selling it (she got to keep the full proceeds in exchange for not seeking alimony -- something she mentioned often (i.e. "the house is MINE because that bastard isn't paying alimony."). She took the money and moved overseas. She lives in Asia, teaches English and travels a ton. From what I can gander from Facebook, she seems happy and free. Then again, I haven't seen her since my wedding (three kids later who she's never met) and I don't think my sister has seen her since she had a conference in Japan.
My father kept working for another 18 years and retired. He continued his own work and continued doing well professionally. He has a lovely friend who he has been with for 15 years. She's a nice woman and actually more a part of my life than my mother in terms of visits, phone calls to check in and coming to help when I had a medical crisis (breast cancer, which is thankfully in remission). My mother didn't even offer to come after I called her to tell her that news and did not call once to check in during that horrific year. My father's partner actually moved in (dad did as well) to help.
I actually have a realistic view of marriage. I think there's three seasons of a marriage. Pre-kids, kids, and post-kids. I think a lot of couples are great pre-kids and fall apart once kids happen. And for some people, it's easier to just muck along during the kids season because you know that there's like post-kids. I don't think there is a right or wrong choice there, but that you just need to commit to what deal you want to make. My father committed to the kid season and that was it. And I respect that choice.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 11:35
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
My parents also divorced right around the 25 year mark. I was out of college and living in NYC, my brother was living at my parent's house with his new baby and girlfriend (neither of whom had jobs), and my sister had just left for college.
Mom waited until my sister was off to college before filing the papers. The stress of my 22 year old brother knocking up his GF and moving into my family's home is what really sent my parent's marriage over the edge. I was already out of the home at that point for 8 years, so I really missed a lot of the stress and fights. My then-teenage sister was practically raising the baby since my brother and his mentally ill GF were so irresponsible.
My parents get along decently well nowadays (about 8 years since the divorce). They are cordial and communicative. Dad remarried within 4 years of divorce to an immigrant Filipino nurse - she's conservative and takes care of him & the household. He loves it.
My mom has been dating an awesome guy for the last year and they are moving in together sometime this year (actively looking at rentals). Neither of them have any desire to get remarried - they have their own money, own grandkids, own properties, etc. They just enjoy each others' company and are very independent. It took my mom a few years to even think about getting back into the dating pool.
My sister has no relationship with Dad and has cut him out of her life completely. She took Mom's side in the divorce (my father is emotionally stunted, has difficulty expressing his feelings, and has issues with empathy/saying things the wrong way in a manner that offend people). He means well, but he's clueless.
The holidays the first 5 years were hard. I still have to split a lot of time between two households when I go home to visit. That's really the hardest part. My Dad and I have also drifted apart in recent years, though we never had a particularly close relationship (I bore the brunt of his alcoholism when I was a young kid - he quit when I was about 8).
Mom waited until my sister was off to college before filing the papers. The stress of my 22 year old brother knocking up his GF and moving into my family's home is what really sent my parent's marriage over the edge. I was already out of the home at that point for 8 years, so I really missed a lot of the stress and fights. My then-teenage sister was practically raising the baby since my brother and his mentally ill GF were so irresponsible.
My parents get along decently well nowadays (about 8 years since the divorce). They are cordial and communicative. Dad remarried within 4 years of divorce to an immigrant Filipino nurse - she's conservative and takes care of him & the household. He loves it.
My mom has been dating an awesome guy for the last year and they are moving in together sometime this year (actively looking at rentals). Neither of them have any desire to get remarried - they have their own money, own grandkids, own properties, etc. They just enjoy each others' company and are very independent. It took my mom a few years to even think about getting back into the dating pool.
My sister has no relationship with Dad and has cut him out of her life completely. She took Mom's side in the divorce (my father is emotionally stunted, has difficulty expressing his feelings, and has issues with empathy/saying things the wrong way in a manner that offend people). He means well, but he's clueless.
The holidays the first 5 years were hard. I still have to split a lot of time between two households when I go home to visit. That's really the hardest part. My Dad and I have also drifted apart in recent years, though we never had a particularly close relationship (I bore the brunt of his alcoholism when I was a young kid - he quit when I was about 8).
Anonymous
03/28/2016 10:31
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
My parents divorced after a long marriage. They were very unhappy and my mom began a long-term affair. Right now, they are courteous and make small talk well. My mom likes to believe we are all a big happy family, but of course we are not. Nobody likes her boyfriend (who has only recently divorced his own wife) and my dad refuses to spend time with him. So my mom likes to pretend that things are fine, and everyone else just avoids the situation. She just tells herself my dad is too busy.
It really is true that divorce = less grandchild time. My mom is not happy about this but there's nothing I can do, she should have thought of it when she made her life choices. I didn't really mind having divorced parents in my 20s and early 30s, but now that I am dragging a spouse and toddlers between their houses on the holidays, it sucks. Lots more logistical effort, money, and time. And I can already see that it's going to be hell when they're actually old and I have to care for them both in separate places.
Does your dad date?
He does, but so far he has no interest in mixing his dating relationships with his family time. I wouldn't mind if he had someone more serious, I think it would be better for him. He has several health conditions and I worry about him living alone as he gets older. But I would not like it if he met someone who took him away from time with his grandchildren, and that's often what happens, so I dunno.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 10:16
Subject: Re:Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
DH's Parents divorced after 20+ years. I didn't know them while they were married, but if this is better, then I shudder at the thought of what it was like before. It is selfish of me to say, but MIL walking away seemingly preserved her own happiness, while making everyone else's life much, much more complicated. Splitting holidays, birthdays, won't stand next to FIL in photos or talk to him. It sucks.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 10:09
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
My parents divorced after a long marriage. They were very unhappy and my mom began a long-term affair. Right now, they are courteous and make small talk well. My mom likes to believe we are all a big happy family, but of course we are not. Nobody likes her boyfriend (who has only recently divorced his own wife) and my dad refuses to spend time with him. So my mom likes to pretend that things are fine, and everyone else just avoids the situation. She just tells herself my dad is too busy.
It really is true that divorce = less grandchild time. My mom is not happy about this but there's nothing I can do, she should have thought of it when she made her life choices. I didn't really mind having divorced parents in my 20s and early 30s, but now that I am dragging a spouse and toddlers between their houses on the holidays, it sucks. Lots more logistical effort, money, and time. And I can already see that it's going to be hell when they're actually old and I have to care for them both in separate places.
Does your dad date?
Anonymous
03/28/2016 10:02
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
My parents were married for over 25 years -- my father left my mom after being unhappy for many years -- now divorced and remarried to other people. They can make small talk and be around each other -- which makes family gatherings and life events much easier. It was painful and difficult for a while, but now everyone is in a much better spot.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 09:56
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Anonymous wrote:My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
My parents divorced after a long marriage. They were very unhappy and my mom began a long-term affair. Right now, they are courteous and make small talk well. My mom likes to believe we are all a big happy family, but of course we are not. Nobody likes her boyfriend (who has only recently divorced his own wife) and my dad refuses to spend time with him. So my mom likes to pretend that things are fine, and everyone else just avoids the situation. She just tells herself my dad is too busy.
It really is true that divorce = less grandchild time. My mom is not happy about this but there's nothing I can do, she should have thought of it when she made her life choices. I didn't really mind having divorced parents in my 20s and early 30s, but now that I am dragging a spouse and toddlers between their houses on the holidays, it sucks. Lots more logistical effort, money, and time. And I can already see that it's going to be hell when they're actually old and I have to care for them both in separate places.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 09:14
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
It was about 35 years for my parents. My mother was the one that pushed for it. They'd basically just been platonic roommates for years and she wanted to just make it official. They get along better now than when they were married and it's all fine. They still live together but as roommates and they also travel together quite a bit. It works for them and I'm happy they're happy. They also fight so much less now so it's much easier to spend time around them.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 09:11
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
My parents split after 25 years of marriage. My sister and I were teenagers, my brother in college. There were some bumpy, awkward years as everyone adjusted.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
It's now been 20 years and everyone is in a really good place. My parents are both remarried. They have a good relationship and are friendly, as are their partners. We all spend holidays and birthdays and major life events for us kids or the grandkids, all together. We spend a week all in one huge house with both my mom and her DH and my dad and his DW. It's awesome. I love that they worked hard at getting over the awkward stage so that we can be a functional family unit. I love my step-parents for being big enough to work through the weirdness. I love that they put US first and figured out a way to not make holidays and the like annoying.
I will say, the big family events all together weren't really needed before the weddings and grandkids came. So there was maybe 10 years before that for everyone to adjust a bit. But once my siblings and I were all married, we had in-laws who we needed to split time with, so doing separate holidays and the like was just impossible. So it became clear the choice was "do things together, or see our kids/grandkids LESS" and they choose "do things together".
My divorced parents are happier and more functional than my DH's still-married-after-40-years parents.
Anonymous
03/28/2016 08:48
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
Mine was close to 25 years (between 20 and 25) and it was my father that did. I think he wasn't being appreciated and the communication was severely lacking.
No friendship at all, and the only time they would see each other is if myself or my brother achieve a major milestone (birth of a child, graduation, etc).
No friendship at all, and the only time they would see each other is if myself or my brother achieve a major milestone (birth of a child, graduation, etc).
Anonymous
03/28/2016 08:42
Subject: Questions for those whose parents split after a 25+ year marriage
What/who precipitated it? How do you feel about it? Do they have any kind of friendship today or completely out of each other's lives?