Anonymous wrote:Ok, not literally. But she's one of those people with a "big personality" who tends to take over a gathering in a way that makes it all about her. A friend likened it to inflating a bounce house inside your house. That is my sister. She can be fun, especially if you are meeting her for the first time, but 40+ years in, I just find her exhausting. Can anyone relate? Any way to deal with someone like this, other than to avoid her?

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

OP, I'd accept that this is who she is and take her in limited doses. It must feel crazy for her to be her. Possibly she's manic, or a narcissist, or overcompensating for self-esteem issues, or she's a people pleaser, or she's uncomfortable with silences and has to fill them. Who knows. If you are close enough, and she admits/agrees that she does this and needs help (ie, if this topic has been previously well-travelled in the past by you or your sibs and it's accepted all around as fact, even by sister) then maybe you could establish a gentle codeword or look you can give her to rein it in when she's dominating the social situation.

If she's not aware/not self-reflective enough to realize sucks the air out, like the PP, then I suggest you merely enjoy her "charm" in limited doses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

OP here again. Thanks for sharing your story. My sister and I have a different history and different issues, but it's always helpful to get a fresh and different perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

This makes me sad.

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, not literally. But she's one of those people with a "big personality" who tends to take over a gathering in a way that makes it all about her. A friend likened it to inflating a bounce house inside your house. That is my sister. She can be fun, especially if you are meeting her for the first time, but 40+ years in, I just find her exhausting. Can anyone relate? Any way to deal with someone like this, other than to avoid her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.