I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I think you should be patient for a little while longer, OP.

Keep pressing your brother - he has to do the right thing. There is definitely a right and wrong here! It's not a MYOB situation, it's a moral situation (and I am not religious or anything).
Right would be to welcome this young person as his child and have him meet his family.
Wrong is to keep it hushed up.
Every year the burden becomes harder on the child.

You can explain that therapy would be a great way to deal with reunification of the family. Your brother can go by himself first before making a decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that is your BROTHER. talk to him. everybody just yes's him and so yes it's okay to abandon his son? that's horrible. he should step up. if he's been married this long, I'm sure his wife can learn to deal.

OP here. I have had discussions encouraging him to do what it right. So have parents. The kids will eventually find out about each other - if not before, definitely at one of their grandparents' funerals. Just concerned that the kids will find out about it the wrong way. Also feel lots of sympathy for nephew, who really deserves to have the option to meet his siblings. But points to myob taken.

PP here. OP, you sound like you have a good heart, but this isn't your burden. You can't spare your brother the consequences of his actions or in this case inaction. I have a little firsthand experience with this. My dad had two kids I never met or knew about until I was 14. He had an affair that resulted in 2 kids. He made it hard on himself, and finally just blurted it out because a well meaning relative like yourself kept insisting he should do it. I I think it would have gone better if he had done so in his own time.

Like a PP said just make sure you are supportive when it all does come out and in the meantime keep seeing your nephew. That's it. Everything else is for your brother to resolve with his children.

Great perspective, thank you. Notes taken.

OP - just to clarify, the question of what makes this person a cousin has not come up. Some cousins are kids of siblings but most cousins they know are kids of our cousins. They haven't asked for a breakdown of the family tree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that is your BROTHER. talk to him. everybody just yes's him and so yes it's okay to abandon his son? that's horrible. he should step up. if he's been married this long, I'm sure his wife can learn to deal.

OP here. I have had discussions encouraging him to do what it right. So have parents. The kids will eventually find out about each other - if not before, definitely at one of their grandparents' funerals. Just concerned that the kids will find out about it the wrong way. Also feel lots of sympathy for nephew, who really deserves to have the option to meet his siblings. But points to myob taken.

PP here. OP, you sound like you have a good heart, but this isn't your burden. You can't spare your brother the consequences of his actions or in this case inaction. I have a little firsthand experience with this. My dad had two kids I never met or knew about until I was 14. He had an affair that resulted in 2 kids. He made it hard on himself, and finally just blurted it out because a well meaning relative like yourself kept insisting he should do it. I I think it would have gone better if he had done so in his own time.

Like a PP said just make sure you are supportive when it all does come out and in the meantime keep seeing your nephew. That's it. Everything else is for your brother to resolve with his children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?

Do your kids know him as their cousin? It's interesting to me that you're focused on everything being open, but you haven't shared that with your kids.

Oh yeah, of course. But we have an enormous family spread over quite a few states on both sides, so the question of how this person is related has not come up. Plus, they are pretty young to even conceive to ask that. We have photos of her in our home and online. She's just like any other cousin in our house.

Anonymous wrote:OP, tread lightly. You seem to feel you know what's right despite all parties having equilibrium and you stand to do a great deal of harm.

OP here. I don't have ideas about what is right. In fact, I ask the question, "What is right? " in my post. Just trying to sort feelings from obligations, morals and consequences. And all parties do not have equilibrium - nephew knows that he is this shameful secret (deals with anger) and, despite not asking to meet siblings, asks lots of questions about them. Other family members and I are on social media with him (just as we are with other nieces and nephews) and I guess I just see a potential catastrophe, especially as my own kids get older. Do we have them participate in this big family secret to protect brother? Or is there a way to make him see that PDF the truth comes out but doesn't come from him, it will do more harm?

Anonymous wrote:My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?

Do your kids know him as their cousin? It's interesting to me that you're focused on everything being open, but you haven't shared that with your kids.

Anonymous wrote:that is your BROTHER. talk to him. everybody just yes's him and so yes it's okay to abandon his son? that's horrible. he should step up. if he's been married this long, I'm sure his wife can learn to deal.

OP here. I have had discussions encouraging him to do what it right. So have parents. The kids will eventually find out about each other - if not before, definitely at one of their grandparents' funerals. Just concerned that the kids will find out about it the wrong way. Also feel lots of sympathy for nephew, who really deserves to have the option to meet his siblings. But points to myob taken.

This is a kid your brother never met. You were a child when the situation occurred (aka you have no idea what happened).

Back off. Don't interfere. Myob.

See the pattern there?

Anonymous wrote:My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?

get this word out of your vocabulary RIGHT NOW. it makes life a lot less complicated.

also, this is not YOUR situation. at all. you are not the mother nor the child. back way the F down.

OP, tread lightly. You seem to feel you know what's right despite all parties having equilibrium and you stand to do a great deal of harm.

that is your BROTHER. talk to him. everybody just yes's him and so yes it's okay to abandon his son? that's horrible. he should step up. if he's been married this long, I'm sure his wife can learn to deal.

It doesn't matter what's right in this case. It's not your place to force relationships out in the open or tell anyone they have half siblings. What you can do is be supportive when everything does come out, because theres bound to be tension or hurt feelings.

My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?