OP, what exactly are the "threats" from your mother and from your sister? Does your mother think you should travel with the three kids on the plane by yourself? What exactly does she expect you to do??

PP with the "back pocket" thread: the two situations are totally different. Can't you see that?

Hey Mom, husband and I have a limited amount of leave and travel funds for each year. Historically, we've spent the bulk of it visiting you, but this year it's not feasible for us. I understand that's disappointing, but your reaction is really stressful for me. I hope that you can respect that we're doing the best we can here, but if you can't, let's agree to disagree and take a break.

Then if the calls and threats don't stop, block her number for the time being. I know that sounds awful, but I've had to do with some one who just would not stop calling and didn't take no for an answer. You can always unblock your mother when she calms down.

Send one loving e-mail somewhere along the lines of what 14:14 said.

But, end with an "I need some space from your extreme reaction. I'll be in touch in a few weeks."

Then ignore every bit of communication for three weeks. Seriously, put a date on your calendar. See if you feel like talking then. Drop her a note or call without a mention of this summer.

Anonymous wrote:np: I am interested in the responder who said "maybe you can use some reverse guilt - Mom, why don't you visit us?" I recently posted "Can I keep this in my back pocket" on this board, and I was flamed for thinking I might use reverse guilt on my mom.

I'm that PP. I think reverse guilt is never a first option, but I also think the two situations are totally different.

Mom is trying to guilt daughter into visiting her. Daughter responds, I'm disappointed, too, that you won't visit us.

I don't remember your situations as well, but someone told you something about your mom in the past (she favored one of your brothers or something)? Mom giving you a hard time, you respond with well, you told so and so that you never loved me anyway.

In my mind, totally different. In my (tongue in cheek, along with many other things) suggestion, daughter is responding in kind. in yours, you're not keeping something go your back pocket, you're whipping out a nuclear option not related to current issue. First case - mom could visit daughter instead, and both parties are (at least somewhat) satisfied. Win win. Second case, there is no response to information you are sharing with only intent to hurt. Lose-lose.

np: I am interested in the responder who said "maybe you can use some reverse guilt - Mom, why don't you visit us?" I recently posted "Can I keep this in my back pocket" on this board, and I was flamed for thinking I might use reverse guilt on my mom.

Anonymous wrote:Would you go if your mom could fly here, and then fly to her house with you? Would you go if they baby-proofed?

If yes, there might be ways around your "reasons". But if the answer is "No, I won't go without my DH" then stick to your guns. Just keep saying no.

I honestly can't imagine how a grown woman thinks crying to get her way is an acceptable solution. My mother would never in a million years cry to get me to do something.

Even if there were ways around the reasons, you can't give in to this BS now. You'll only be telling her this kind of behavior is acceptable and it's clearly not.

You have family that "threatens you". They sound uneducated.

I would honestly just say what you did here. But forcefully.

It's pretty simple. "Mom. I. am. not. coming." Period.

If she continues, stop answering her calls. Ignore her texts. That is all you can do.

Would you go if your mom could fly here, and then fly to her house with you? Would you go if they baby-proofed?

If yes, there might be ways around your "reasons". But if the answer is "No, I won't go without my DH" then stick to your guns. Just keep saying no.

I honestly can't imagine how a grown woman thinks crying to get her way is an acceptable solution. My mother would never in a million years cry to get me to do something.

I don't think any sane person would try to take 3 kids under 3 on a plane alone. She's not being rational. Can you block her on your phone? I would just take a break from her calls for a while.

Pull the brat card and say something like "Well for a bit I was thinking of trying to pull it off, but since you are acting SO PETULANT about it, it's not happening" HUMPH!

Don't do that. Except in your head.

I'd try a good scream into your pillow. Maybe a kick boxing class?

Then one conversation with your mother that starts with as much empathy as you can muster. Something like: "Mom, I know you really want me to visit with the kids. I know this comes from a good place because you love and miss us. I want to come too! But it's just not possible right now and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. Your guilt trips are only making me feel unkind things towards you, so please stop. Please. Every time you try to use guilt or tears or pressure to change things, you are hurting our relationship. Please stop. I love you and hope you'll consider coming to us sometime soon."

OMG this sounds awful, OP. So sorry your mom is putting this kind of pressure on you.

As th parent of a 3 year old and two 18 month olds, you must see tantrums all the time. This is exactly what your mother is doing - tantrumig. Don't give in to her. Frankly, don't engage with her. Let her burn herself out. Speak in a soothing voice, I understand you're upset, but this decision is final. I'm sorry it won't work out, too, but it won't work out.

Hell, throw in some reverse guilt - I'm disappointed you won't consider coming to see us.

Listen as much as you can take, the exit. I'm sorry, I have to go. We can talk later, when you are calmer, etc.

Whatever you do do not give into the pressure!!

Tell your manipulative mom it's over. It's not happening at this stage. You will not come this summer and not again if she continues to ask like this. End of discussion. Do not pick up her calls after that until she can have a mature conversation.

I would not tolerate that. I wouldn't take her calls for a while. Sister's either of she's playing the fool too. When I did take a call I'd tell her what the rules are before she started in, and then hang up immediately if she starts playing the victim.

If someone only brings negativity into my life, they're not welcome in my life anymore. I can't handle that kind of bullshit drama.

And for the record, your choice is a perfectly fine choice. It's totally understandable. I'd do the same. But even if it was a crazy, overprotective, helicopter mom choice, it's still yours to make and hers to respect and abide by. She's ruining your relationship by being overly dramatic, not you.

so I told my parents Im not able to visit this summer. Spouse cant get off and I cant handle my 18 mo twins and 3 year old alone on the 4 hour flight. Not to mention their house is a nightmare (not babyproofed at all and my toddlers are into everything). I told my parents they are welcome to visit and we will travel when we can. Not good enough. My mom has been calling, texting, etc almost daily screaming, crying, whining, threatening etc. Wants a future trip booked immediately. Says she wont visit until we do. Has my sister calling to threaten me.

Is there anything I can do except to ignore this? I know they are adults and feeling hurt but it's stressing me out! I came for three weeks last summer, maybe that will happen again but not with my twins in this difficult stage.