Thank you all for your input and BTDT experience. Believe it or not, the man lives 10 miles away. There is so much more -- all of which is bizarre -- but it adds up to him not respecting me or my family.

I cut my angry alcoholic father off a year before he died. He was back on the bottle and he knew the rules: sobriety = contact. Angry drunk = no contact. I am terribly, terribly sad that he struggled with such horrible demons, that those demons ultimately killed him, and that he died alone. It's tragic. Do I wish it could have been different? OMG, yes. But, I don't own it. So, it's sadness, compassion, and longing for a different outcome, but not guilt.

OP, I suggest you figure out some ground rules for your relationship with your dad. Very clear boundaries where if he does specific things, then he's sidelined. If he can play nice, he's allowed in. Then, enforce those rules and let it be up to him. You can't allow people to damage you, even family.

As much as it feels like a move like this will be absolutely permanent, it doesn't have to be. You could, in the interest of preventing any future guilt or second guessing yourself, tell him that you are so troubled by his behavior that you dont feel you have another course of action. Then, the onus is on him. It will probably go south anyway (says the daughter of a cut-off, toxic narcissistic father) but you might preserve something for later in life.

Anonymous wrote:You are too old for this shit: set boundaries and keep to them.

I agree. But there is also a huge chance you'll feel guilt or other strong unresolved feelings when he dies. Personally, I'd probably find a therapist to provide either some workable boundaries where you can see and deal with him on your terms. (But it sounds like he lives far away and that would make it harder to do). Or the therapist could walk you through how to cut him off 100% and what to expect on your end. It may sound like overkill, but it often hurts the kid (you) a lot when a parent dies and there are unresolved issues. Just putting that out there. ~ Been there, done that.

You are too old for this shit: set boundaries and keep to them.

Absolutely cut him off. No question. It doesn't matter if he's dying. Children are a privilege and a gift, and he has no call to treat you like that now or in the past. It's no good for your own child to see it, either. He is poison.

I'd cut him off. No good can come from a relationship like that.

While I think you should read his emails, in case it turns out he's dying and wants to reconcile or something, you are right to refrain from replying. He's just trying to provoke you, don't fall for it.

He sounds like the sort of person you should cut off! Your child won't miss him.

I recommend Elder Rage by Jacqueline Marcell. Request it from the library, I'm not spamming.

Yes, cut him off. Keep it short and simple. Tell him that you have thought long and hard about this and have decided that you no longer want a relationship with him. Remind him that your past relationship barely qualified as a "relationship" and considering the limited communication you have as of now, the total absence of the non-relationship relationship shouldn't be much of a loss. Don't justify beyond that. Be prepared for the guilt trip but stay strong. At this point, it's about your child and protecting her. Give her the life and family that you want. Surely, your father is growing older and as older men do he is now starting to panic about being alone. Tough. Made that bed.

Am I justified? Because he's frankly a horrible person and an awful father and grandfather. He goes dark for 6 months or so, and then claims it's my fault. He actually was demanding that we entertain him last year after I had two surgeries in three months, which was a non-starter because his visits consist of him sitting on the couch and expecting to be waited on. I was so tired of it -- and even more so, the impact it's had on my child -- that I just went full no contact with him after that last straw.

So he sent me an email accusing me of being "mentally ill" and "in a bad place" and needing help; it contained a healthy dose of revisionist history and enraged me, but I resisted reactively replying. Prior to this, I reached out to him multiple times after the dust settled and he ignored me, but he decided to finally get in touch (and then he wants to see my six year old and doesn't understand why she has no clue who he is and is afraid of him), and was abusive about it. This is a pattern that goes back to my childhood (he and my mother eventually divorced), when he was emotionally and physically abusive and I'm too old for this shit at 40. Our relationship has been fraught for years, but it has seemed to get worse over time, just because he is increasingly irrational. And now I feel really strongly that my daughter shouldn't be exposed to this kind of dysfunction.

WWDCUMD?