Anonymous wrote:I understand why you feel the way you do - you never agreed to carry this out by yourself and it's a big load for one person.

But, from your sister's perspective, should she not marry this guy? Let him take care of her if that's what they both want? Maybe she could really be happy with him - should she give that up because her parents invested in her? I know you know the answer is no, but it sounds like your family is disappointed that they won't get a return on the investment they put into her, but your sister is not the stock market. She's not an insurance plan. She's a person, she has her own life to live. I realize that sounds selfish, but it's also true. Children are not economic commodities, not any more at least.

OP here. That is extremely untrue and a disrespectful way of phrasing our relationship with our parents. Our parents gave us everything we wanted even at a great cost to themselves. They did not bring us here so we can hunt for husbands. They brought us here so we can become women of substance and learn a skill or two and contribute to the world. We were supposed to stick together and take care of each other. I feel as if I have been abandoned. Ever since she met this boyfriend of here, she is distracted, and spends all her time with him and thinking of him and texting and talking with him. She doesn't have time for me and now she is making plans without me and that doesn't include our family.

I feel...left behind and replaced by her boyfriend. I miss her terribly and can envision that once she's married she'll not really interact with us much. She had been protesting the arrangement the past few years. She didn't like finance and she'd loudly complain about how she wanted to go far away from her family and me because she couldn't be herself around us. I thought she was just being moody but now, watching her jump at the chance to run away with this man, she was dead serious.

Well you said it ... it was a dream. And sometimes our dreams have a way of not coming true exactly how we envision them.

If your sister marries a rich guy and sets up a home, couldn't your family from overseas come visit her there? And if she is rich, maybe she would be willing to fund a younger siblings education?

Also, you don't have to keep committed to the "dream". It's ok if you change your mind and plans was well.

But if she marries a rich American and obtains citizenship, would she be able to bring your family over, perhaps?

OP, people don't change *that* much. I suspect this sister of yours was perhaps never going to make good on the bargain. Some people are simply not cut out for these kinds of responsibilities, and for being financially successful in a field chosen by someone else. She is probably very conscious of this fact, and has just leapt at the chance of an escape.

It's healthy and normal for you to be resentful, since you feel you've been abandoned and have to bear double the burden now, but I don't think this is your sister's fault.

Now, what do YOU want out of life?

Keep in mind that the path to helping your family might not be the obvious one they had in mind. God works in mysterious ways.

She's found what makes her happy. That's half the battle. And by marrying and starting a family, isn't that exactly what your parents wanted? A stable home base? So what if she accomplished it differently than planned. Does this man love her, treat her well, and is welcoming toward you? Be happy for her or you'll lose her.

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that too many decisions were made for her. She feels no ownership or responsibility or passion toward the plans and promises made for her.

Now, marrying a rich guy and giving up all sense of self is not good. But it's not surprising that she has no ambition or direction since she has not been taught to think for herself and know her own mind.

Let me just add that your feelings of betrayal toward your sister are much more about feelings of resentment because you have taken on a burden that you did not want because you were told it was the right and honorable thing. And you resent her decision to make decisions for herself. I know what this is like. I know what it is to feel this way, especially as an oldest sibling.

But you need to understand that your anger and frustration and hurt toward your sister is really more about feelings of resentment because of the heavy burden your parents placed on you. While I don't think you should abandon your ambition like she has, I do think you can learn to think for yourself and to do what YOU think is right, not what others think is right. Being a people pleaser will not lead to your own happiness, OP. I speak from experience.

The problem is that too many decisions were made for her. She feels no ownership or responsibility or passion toward the plans and promises made for her.

Now, marrying a rich guy and giving up all sense of self is not good. But it's not surprising that she has no ambition or direction since she has not been taught to think for herself and know her own mind.

Better she marries a wealthy man that loves her and encourages her interests than one that is critical and expects her to do everything (my SIL's husband). She might very well be in the position to help her family in the future. Try to be supportive and happy for her.

Is it possible your sister will help you support your parents and sisters if she marries a rich man? That would be good.

I understand why you feel the way you do - you never agreed to carry this out by yourself and it's a big load for one person.

But, from your sister's perspective, should she not marry this guy? Let him take care of her if that's what they both want? Maybe she could really be happy with him - should she give that up because her parents invested in her? I know you know the answer is no, but it sounds like your family is disappointed that they won't get a return on the investment they put into her, but your sister is not the stock market. She's not an insurance plan. She's a person, she has her own life to live. I realize that sounds selfish, but it's also true. Children are not economic commodities, not any more at least.

Your father wanted her to study finance.

She's not interested in finance. She's interested in animals and kids.

Your parents raised her, and you, to set up a life for them and other relatives -- not to live lives based on your own interests.

Your parents, and you, are offended that she does not have the goals you expect her to have. But those are goals your parents imposed on her, not goals she created for herself, and she's discovered that.

If you feel she's abandoned the family plan, well, it was bound to happen because she was never really part of it, no matter how much she said, "Yes, I'll go to America and study finance and create a life for all of you to come enjoy there." You feel she has "changed so much" but can you accept that maybe she has not changed -- she is only showing who she really is, and who she really was all along? You thought you knew who she was and you really didn't--and maybe neither did she until she got here. And you're judging the choices she's making because they don't fit the family plan -- and you, yourself, are still following the plan that dad and mom set for you.

Any chance that you're not just jealous of the lifestyle her BF offers, but of the fact that she's getting out from under having to provide a whole life and "base" for other family members, while you are still expected to do just that?

She's living for herself and her husband-to-be, rather than for her parents and other relatives back home. That sounds pretty normal but your parents likely will see it as selfish, say she's failed them, etc. But many Americans would see it as a natural and desirable progression of growing up and going out on one's own.

You mentioned her rich boyfriend--are you the OP of "Jealous of my sister's boyfriend"?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/534957.page

What lake? You're obviously not in DC.

OP, you can't control or change people. That's life.

Sounds like she has become an American! I kid, I kid. I can see why it would be frustrating, but you can't force her to be true to the goals you once shared.

Each person is allotted only one life to live. We don't always end up living the life other choose for us, but instead live the life we choose for ourselves. That's how it goes. It's unfortunate she doesn't seem to appreciate the sacrifice your parents made and isn't following the pre-scripted plan you all had for her, but it's still HER life to live. Maybe she'll come around to what you want and maybe she won't.

My sister and I both immigrated to the United States after our parents made a lot of sacrifices for us to stay here and to go to school here. The dream was that we would be educated, work hard, get well paid jobs and create a home base for our family abroad. We were supposed to save up and work together to buy property and create a bridge for our parents and sisters to at least come visit and stay with us for a while. We were also supposed to help pay for the education of the younger siblings etc.

Over the past two years, however, my sister has changed dramatically. She doesn't want to live with me anymore and she is not interested in the future we all planned together. Our father wanted her to study Finance and she hasn't graduated yet. She has no internship or professional work experience and spent all her time babysitting and dog sitting. She loves animals and children. During the past year, she has started seeing this really wealthy guy and he seems to spoil her to the kinds of things we had never experienced growing up. White table cloth restaurants for date night,expensive foreign chocolates, designer clothes, bags and jewelry. He has decked her in expensive things to show his affections. This is all good and well but it has changed her. Her ambition and career goals are gone. Her sense of duty to her family and the goals we have worked for are gone. All she wants now, she says, is a cute family, a house by the lake, cute clothes and jewelry and cute dogs. She wants a "normal" life and is not interested in working hard or trying to establish herself in this country. I am happy that she has found love and can tell they are serious and he will propose soon. A part of me also resents her for abandoning me in our mission and our joint goals. I am angry that our parents put so much effort and time and made so many sacrifices for her and all she wants to do is marry a rich guy and have his babies. I wouldn't even care if she had a BF/Husband, so as long as she hadn't changed so much.

Now I feel all alone in helping carry out our goals and mission. What would you do?