Anonymous
03/07/2016 18:03
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
I don't hate my mom but I am super annoyed with her more often than not. I rarely feel like I love her. She is messed up in so many ways and has messed me up in turn. If we weren't related I'd have no trouble never talking to her again.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:58
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
Don't hate her, but I don't remember ever loving her.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:37
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
Anonymous wrote:
I love my mother, but she is nearly everything you describe.
I love her because:
1. She loves me.
2. I understand that she has mental illness as well as neglected and abusive childhood, unleavened by any great intelligence and self-awareness. She has an anxiety disorder, very low self-esteem, and is extremely self-absorbed as a result of a chronic physical illness she developed as a young adult.
That love cannot translate to a relationship of trust, however. It has taken me years to understand that just because someone loves you and wants the best for you, it doesn't mean that they won't actively try to tear you down.
How crazy is that? Yet it's true.
So my solution is limiting contact, and living far away from her, across the Atlantic.
PP (15:15) again-I understand all of this, too. Unfortunately, though, I don't live that far from my mother. It's so screwed up.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:35
Subject: Re:If you hate your mother, does she know?
Anonymous wrote:I've been having a lot of difficulty with my mother. I realize she's gone through a lot in her life but she actively does stuff that is extremely messed up then denies any responsibility.
I realize that I don't hate her but I am very angry with her. I know this is unhealthy and it's not the relationship I want but I'm fed up.
PP (15:15) here; I completely understand this.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:33
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
I love my mother, but she is nearly everything you describe.
I love her because:
1. She loves me.
2. I understand that she has mental illness as well as neglected and abusive childhood, unleavened by any great intelligence and self-awareness. She has an anxiety disorder, very low self-esteem, and is extremely self-absorbed as a result of a chronic physical illness she developed as a young adult.
That love cannot translate to a relationship of trust, however. It has taken me years to understand that just because someone loves you and wants the best for you, it doesn't mean that they won't actively try to tear you down.
How crazy is that? Yet it's true.
So my solution is limiting contact, and living far away from her, across the Atlantic.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:25
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
Anonymous wrote:I think she would know if she weren't in denial about everything. Her denial is why I can't stand her. I don't actively hate her. She's just gone back on her word so many times, among other reasons.
NP here. Is she a babyboomer or older? Those generations tend to avoid counseling and assume therapy is only for "crazy people;" therefore, they never really get the help they need and tend to get worse as they age. My own parents are like that. Therapy is a waste of time in their view. (No sense in talking to someone who might make you think something might be your fault once in a while.)
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:23
Subject: Re:If you hate your mother, does she know?
I've been having a lot of difficulty with my mother. I realize she's gone through a lot in her life but she actively does stuff that is extremely messed up then denies any responsibility.
I realize that I don't hate her but I am very angry with her. I know this is unhealthy and it's not the relationship I want but I'm fed up.
I realize that I don't hate her but I am very angry with her. I know this is unhealthy and it's not the relationship I want but I'm fed up.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:16
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
I don't really hate my mother but we haven't spoken in over 5 years and I heard thru the grapevine that she thinks it's because I'm angry that she and my father got divorced 15 years ago.
In reality, it's because she's cruel, sbusive, and generally delusional.
In reality, it's because she's cruel, sbusive, and generally delusional.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:16
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
Anonymous wrote:15:15. Did you post about your silent treatment mother a week ago? If so, I have been thinking of you.
Yes, that was me. Thank you. I took a lot of the constructive advice from that thread and am working on it.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:14
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
I think she would know if she weren't in denial about everything. Her denial is why I can't stand her. I don't actively hate her. She's just gone back on her word so many times, among other reasons.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 17:10
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
Anonymous wrote:If you are a daughter who hates or very strongly dislikes your mother, does she know how you feel?
I think I’ve finally given up on having any sort of meaningful relationship with my Mom. She was physically and mentally abusive during my entire childhood and refuses to acknowledge it. She is a self-absorbed, self-serving liar with a negative, anxiety-ridden outlook on nearly everything. She is very emotionally immature and lives in her own version of reality where she never has to take any responsibility for her anything. I’ve tried to address issues from the past as well as the present more times than I can count and get nothing back from her in return. She simply pretends that things never happened or that current problems don’t exist. Although I desperately wish the situation was different, I know that I can’t change her and it is what it is.
We grew very distant after I left home for college but started speaking much more frequently after I had kids. I find it very difficult to be around her for extended periods of time but still travel home to see her several times a year. Over the years I’ve winnowed down the topics that we can discuss that won’t much of a trigger a nasty response from her… at this point I’m left with the kids and (sometimes) the weather. Every interaction with her leaves me exhausted, frustrated and just sad. I work very hard to have her in my life and get very little in return. This is been the nature of things since I was very young and it’s really taken a toll on me.
At this point I’m really only putting in the time for my kids’ sake and I’m beginning to question if that’s even worth it. She has no idea that I feel this way. If I tried to tell her she would just turn it around on me and displace any blame. Our relationship is an empty shell but she likes to flaunt it for attention, telling others that we speak every day, are best friends, etc. I feel like she may know the truth deep down inside, but even if she did, she would never admit it.
I’m at a point now where I am beginning to distance myself because it is so emotionally draining to have her in my life. I’m even considering cutting her off completely. I’m not sure of I’m looking for sympathy or to vent (probably both) but was curious to know if anyone else has a similar dynamic with their mother? I know our relationship isn’t normal and wanted to see how others in similar circumstances handled things. Do I just keep pressing on despite the emotional baggage that I continue to rack up? Do I break things off completely? Any BTDT advice?
No, she continues to think that you are a spoiled, whiny idgit.
Look forward to your kids feeling the same way about you - WAIT until they are teenagers. Have fun.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 16:58
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
15:15. Did you post about your silent treatment mother a week ago? If so, I have been thinking of you.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 16:00
Subject: Re:If you hate your mother, does she know?
I'm in a similar place (we have very similar moms) except that I have not tried to address childhood issues with my mother. We see her several times a year only because I am hanging on for dc's sake. I have pulled back to the extent that she knows ... something anyway. She's so self-absorbed god only knows what is going on in her head. And her response? I think she's giving me the silent treatment, but it's hard to tell because she has never reached out to me anyway.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 15:15
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
My mother would know if she were speaking to me. While I don't hate my mother, I understand where you're coming from. I try to feel gratitude for the good things she's imparted to me, but I'm really done with her doing the silent treatment and she has no idea that this time, when she's done with her silent treatment (we're now at 6 months), things are going to be very different.
Anonymous
03/07/2016 14:59
Subject: If you hate your mother, does she know?
If you are a daughter who hates or very strongly dislikes your mother, does she know how you feel?
I think I’ve finally given up on having any sort of meaningful relationship with my Mom. She was physically and mentally abusive during my entire childhood and refuses to acknowledge it. She is a self-absorbed, self-serving liar with a negative, anxiety-ridden outlook on nearly everything. She is very emotionally immature and lives in her own version of reality where she never has to take any responsibility for her anything. I’ve tried to address issues from the past as well as the present more times than I can count and get nothing back from her in return. She simply pretends that things never happened or that current problems don’t exist. Although I desperately wish the situation was different, I know that I can’t change her and it is what it is.
We grew very distant after I left home for college but started speaking much more frequently after I had kids. I find it very difficult to be around her for extended periods of time but still travel home to see her several times a year. Over the years I’ve winnowed down the topics that we can discuss that won’t much of a trigger a nasty response from her… at this point I’m left with the kids and (sometimes) the weather. Every interaction with her leaves me exhausted, frustrated and just sad. I work very hard to have her in my life and get very little in return. This is been the nature of things since I was very young and it’s really taken a toll on me.
At this point I’m really only putting in the time for my kids’ sake and I’m beginning to question if that’s even worth it. She has no idea that I feel this way. If I tried to tell her she would just turn it around on me and displace any blame. Our relationship is an empty shell but she likes to flaunt it for attention, telling others that we speak every day, are best friends, etc. I feel like she may know the truth deep down inside, but even if she did, she would never admit it.
I’m at a point now where I am beginning to distance myself because it is so emotionally draining to have her in my life. I’m even considering cutting her off completely. I’m not sure of I’m looking for sympathy or to vent (probably both) but was curious to know if anyone else has a similar dynamic with their mother? I know our relationship isn’t normal and wanted to see how others in similar circumstances handled things. Do I just keep pressing on despite the emotional baggage that I continue to rack up? Do I break things off completely? Any BTDT advice?
I think I’ve finally given up on having any sort of meaningful relationship with my Mom. She was physically and mentally abusive during my entire childhood and refuses to acknowledge it. She is a self-absorbed, self-serving liar with a negative, anxiety-ridden outlook on nearly everything. She is very emotionally immature and lives in her own version of reality where she never has to take any responsibility for her anything. I’ve tried to address issues from the past as well as the present more times than I can count and get nothing back from her in return. She simply pretends that things never happened or that current problems don’t exist. Although I desperately wish the situation was different, I know that I can’t change her and it is what it is.
We grew very distant after I left home for college but started speaking much more frequently after I had kids. I find it very difficult to be around her for extended periods of time but still travel home to see her several times a year. Over the years I’ve winnowed down the topics that we can discuss that won’t much of a trigger a nasty response from her… at this point I’m left with the kids and (sometimes) the weather. Every interaction with her leaves me exhausted, frustrated and just sad. I work very hard to have her in my life and get very little in return. This is been the nature of things since I was very young and it’s really taken a toll on me.
At this point I’m really only putting in the time for my kids’ sake and I’m beginning to question if that’s even worth it. She has no idea that I feel this way. If I tried to tell her she would just turn it around on me and displace any blame. Our relationship is an empty shell but she likes to flaunt it for attention, telling others that we speak every day, are best friends, etc. I feel like she may know the truth deep down inside, but even if she did, she would never admit it.
I’m at a point now where I am beginning to distance myself because it is so emotionally draining to have her in my life. I’m even considering cutting her off completely. I’m not sure of I’m looking for sympathy or to vent (probably both) but was curious to know if anyone else has a similar dynamic with their mother? I know our relationship isn’t normal and wanted to see how others in similar circumstances handled things. Do I just keep pressing on despite the emotional baggage that I continue to rack up? Do I break things off completely? Any BTDT advice?