Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

Anonymous wrote:It's the mother's decision, not yours and not your brothers. Let your sister know that you're happy to adopt the child and that you'd welcome an open adoption.

You're letting her know that you'd love to be an option. Ultimately it's her decision. You can't proclaim your sister's decision to your brother on her behalf. Let her decide, support her in telling the family of her decision in that way she sees best. Then pursue the legal process of adopting.

Once you see your brother's reaction, you can respond to try to address the emotional rift, but it's not your place to preempt your sister's decision here.

It isn't a sister, it's a cousin. I can see a rift not only with my brother but with my parents along with my other siblings because they have wanted a child of their own for a very long time. My brother isn't even a choice for my cousin's baby. She has had a rough life and has made very tough decisions and has been left with nothing but my entire family turning on her, including my brother.

It's the mother's decision, not yours and not your brothers. Let your sister know that you're happy to adopt the child and that you'd welcome an open adoption.

You're letting her know that you'd love to be an option. Ultimately it's her decision. You can't proclaim your sister's decision to your brother on her behalf. Let her decide, support her in telling the family of her decision in that way she sees best. Then pursue the legal process of adopting.

Once you see your brother's reaction, you can respond to try to address the emotional rift, but it's not your place to preempt your sister's decision here.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, a family member is giving her baby up. It was brought up around family by her mother....without thinking, I blurted out that my husband and I would step in (because I knew we would without a thought). The mother pulled me aside and said that she was happy to hear that because she's been heartbroken when thinking of the baby going to some random person outside of the family. The family member already has the kids, one of which is in custody of my aunt and uncle. The other two are still with the mother but she cannot afford to keep the baby that she is now pregnant with which is why adoption is becoming an option. The family member reached out to my husband and I and is seriously considering us. It becomes tricky because my brother and his wife have been looking to adopt and have been saving money, they cannot have children on their own. My husband and I have been TTTC for six months with no luck and even if we had kids now or were currently pregnant, I would still persue this child. The family member does not want the baby to go to my brother and has made it clear that it would only be me and my husband because we are the only ones who have kept in contact with her and loved her through her mess of a life...which it is very messy.

If this does work out, I can see very, VERY hard feelings in my family because my brother and his wife really want a child. I'm torn between going further into this or just letting this go so I don't cause a huge fiasco within the family. Thoughts?

If neither you or your brother have kids, I don't see the problem. Well, I DO, and it's that this family member needs to keep her damn knees shut!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have any other kids, do you, OP? If not, then you are technically in the same place as your brother and his wife. Neither of you have kids, you both want kids and it's possible you are incapable of conceiving too. They can't really be that mad at you if you're basically in the same position as they are. (at least for now. If you get pregnant later, they might be pretty upset.)

Why does the family member not want the baby to go to your brother?

Because she's had a rough life and most of the family has turned on her, including my family. We grew up together and are very close in age. While we went on very different paths, I've always kept contact with her, listened to her when she needed to vent, and supported her emotionally as much as I could. While I don't agree with her life choices, I never once put her down because she's family.

Your brother didn't offer to adopt this baby as far as I can tell from your story. I'm not sure why this would cause a rift with he and his wife if you adopted the child.

I would also offer to pay for an IUD for this family member at some point if she keeps having kids she can't keep.

If you do end up adopting this baby, the simple fact is that the baby's mother chose you and not your brother. I would guess that your brother would know why the mom chose you over him. While your brother may be disappointed, he shouldn't begrudge you this opportunity or in any way blame you. If he does harbor hard feelings, I think you'll just have to wait for him to get over it.

While your brother may be hurt, he should not let this be something that divides you. Obviously, that's up to him. But you can only control so much. You want the child, the child is being offered, you need to do it.

Time to start making decision like a mother. Do your brother's feeling matter? Sure, it's a good idea to be gentle with him and allow him some space to emote. But do your brother's feeling matter MORE than the well being of this child? No, no they do not.

Anonymous wrote:I think that the mother of the baby should (if possible and it makes sense) have the ultimate decision in which couple should adopt the baby.

This shouldn't be your will imposed on her, it's the mother's choice. Therefore, while there may be ill will, it is not your responsibility to base such a major decision around that.

She reached out to us after her mother said we would consider it. Apparently she has always told her mother that my husband and I would be the only family members that she would give her child to.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have any other kids, do you, OP? If not, then you are technically in the same place as your brother and his wife. Neither of you have kids, you both want kids and it's possible you are incapable of conceiving too. They can't really be that mad at you if you're basically in the same position as they are. (at least for now. If you get pregnant later, they might be pretty upset.)

Why does the family member not want the baby to go to your brother?

Because she's had a rough life and most of the family has turned on her, including my family. We grew up together and are very close in age. While we went on very different paths, I've always kept contact with her, listened to her when she needed to vent, and supported her emotionally as much as I could. While I don't agree with her life choices, I never once put her down because she's family.

I think that the mother of the baby should (if possible and it makes sense) have the ultimate decision in which couple should adopt the baby.

This shouldn't be your will imposed on her, it's the mother's choice. Therefore, while there may be ill will, it is not your responsibility to base such a major decision around that.

Yuk. I can only speak from experience with my own family. Run now. Run far and fast away from this scenario. Do not fight over a child and divide an entire family over this.

You don't have any other kids, do you, OP? If not, then you are technically in the same place as your brother and his wife. Neither of you have kids, you both want kids and it's possible you are incapable of conceiving too. They can't really be that mad at you if you're basically in the same position as they are. (at least for now. If you get pregnant later, they might be pretty upset.)

Why does the family member not want the baby to go to your brother?

I think you know what you are going to do - adopt this baby. The issue becomes, how to handle your brother. Your choices are to tell him yourself, say you wanted him to hear it from you first and let the chips fall where they may, nor say less and let this all work its way through the family grapevine. Either way your brother may be hurt, but you can't manage that for him.

They are on their own path. I don't know how this would cause a rift.

Long story short, a family member is giving her baby up. It was brought up around family by her mother....without thinking, I blurted out that my husband and I would step in (because I knew we would without a thought). The mother pulled me aside and said that she was happy to hear that because she's been heartbroken when thinking of the baby going to some random person outside of the family. The family member already has the kids, one of which is in custody of my aunt and uncle. The other two are still with the mother but she cannot afford to keep the baby that she is now pregnant with which is why adoption is becoming an option. The family member reached out to my husband and I and is seriously considering us. It becomes tricky because my brother and his wife have been looking to adopt and have been saving money, they cannot have children on their own. My husband and I have been TTTC for six months with no luck and even if we had kids now or were currently pregnant, I would still persue this child. The family member does not want the baby to go to my brother and has made it clear that it would only be me and my husband because we are the only ones who have kept in contact with her and loved her through her mess of a life...which it is very messy.

If this does work out, I can see very, VERY hard feelings in my family because my brother and his wife really want a child. I'm torn between going further into this or just letting this go so I don't cause a huge fiasco within the family. Thoughts?