Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, executorship is when someone is dead, and actually, it probably will be a nightmare to do from abroad, if you are even allowed to under the rules of whatever country it is.

You all sound very dramatic. There's is nothing inherently evil about being in a "home", and as long as your mom is competent, she can decide where she lives. What she cannot do is try to force your brother to take her in, so if that was her plan, it's probably a good thing he told her his thinking now. If he's not repaying her money, she should stop lending it to him. She's a grown up. All the crying and carrying on is ridiculous.

You clearly have not dealt with elderly people. It's not that black and white re. being put in a home and/or lending money. Elderly become like children. You'll understand when your parents get there.

Her mom is not elderly, she is 62. OP, you cannot force someone into a nursing home. If your mom is worried about her future care and finances, I suggest the following:

1) stop lending your brother money

2) does your mom have long term care insurance?

3) have her put your name on her bank accounts as POD(pay on death) -- this means the money goes to you and does not have to go thru the estate/probate process

4) durable power of attorney for health care

5) STOP LENDING YOUR BROTHER MONEY

Anonymous wrote:The woman is SIXTY freaking TWO. Unless she is in very poor health WTH? Is she in dire health?

I understand the wisdom of having a will in place but come on....

Young one: things can go downhill quickly in the blink of an eye. It is critical to do this now while she is in decent health and can still walk well, especially since she will be moving from a FOREIGN country.

OP: Unlike the snarky posters, I actually have dealt with this situation, including the moochy brother. I would act quickly to get her moved here and under your care and cut off all potential access to her $. You need to get power of attorney. Executor just has to do with her estate after she has passed. Act now to do this while she is alive and aware and able to make decisions. Be as quiet about it as possible. You don't want to tip off your brother or he'll likely drain what's left of her account. Sorry, but he sounds like a common criminal.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, executorship is when someone is dead, and actually, it probably will be a nightmare to do from abroad, if you are even allowed to under the rules of whatever country it is.

You all sound very dramatic. There's is nothing inherently evil about being in a "home", and as long as your mom is competent, she can decide where she lives. What she cannot do is try to force your brother to take her in, so if that was her plan, it's probably a good thing he told her his thinking now. If he's not repaying her money, she should stop lending it to him. She's a grown up. All the crying and carrying on is ridiculous.

You clearly have not dealt with elderly people. It's not that black and white re. being put in a home and/or lending money. Elderly become like children. You'll understand when your parents get there.

I think you would need to find out about the laws of the country she is in. People can't just assume her son won't be able to put her in a home if she is in another country.

Yeah, I think some pps are being awfully harsh here. OP's mom lives far away in another country and of course she's worried about her. Give her a break!

Op here- My mom is only 62 and not in good health (strokes, cancer). I'm im my 20's so I didn't know about power of attorney. Maybe we are all dramatic in your opinion but losing my dad suddenly when I was little changed me.

The woman is SIXTY freaking TWO. Unless she is in very poor health WTH? Is she in dire health?

I understand the wisdom of having a will in place but come on....

Power of attorney.

The least expensive solution for elder care is having one or more trusted aides come to the home to cook, clean, and eventually bathe.
Pros: keeps elderly person in her home for as long as possible, which generally makes them happier.
Cons: finding such a trusted person, particularly if you live outside the country.

The most expensive solution is a good nursing home. In my country, there are huge waiting lists for the best ones. Visit regularly because even though this may be the solution for best comfort, the elderly person may not appreciate losing independence and the security of a familiar place, as well as her family.

If you are the executor, get as much information about your mom's finances as you possibly can. You should know where all her bank accounts, investment accounts, money under the mattress, whatever is. If anything requires a password, get the passwords from her (she can put them in a sealed envelope). And frankly, if it's abroad, you need to find an attorney or other person who can assist you, because administering an estate in another country is a giant PITA.

Good grief. Your brother has zero power to put another competent adult into a home. If his mom gets to the point where she can not care for herself that is another thing entirely. Unless you have ever provided heavy duty eldercare yourself (or seen what it means to provide it), you have no clue what it means to provide that level of care.

Depending on your brother's health, he may not even be able to provide that level of care even if he really wanted to. It would help no one (your mom included) if he hurt himself or made himself sick trying to take care of her. It gets to the point where a nursing home is the best and most appropriate option available.

At the same time, a relatively healthy 60, 70, 80, even 90 year old absolutely can stay in their own home as long as they want to. I'm only 50, I've got teenagers. I can not imagine myself wanting to go into assisted living or a nursing home in 12 years....bizarre.

Yeah, executorship is when someone is dead, and actually, it probably will be a nightmare to do from abroad, if you are even allowed to under the rules of whatever country it is.

You all sound very dramatic. There's is nothing inherently evil about being in a "home", and as long as your mom is competent, she can decide where she lives. What she cannot do is try to force your brother to take her in, so if that was her plan, it's probably a good thing he told her his thinking now. If he's not repaying her money, she should stop lending it to him. She's a grown up. All the crying and carrying on is ridiculous.

What is going to be important as your mother ages (and 62 is very young) is power of attorney, not executorship. Executorship gives power after she passes away. While she is still alive, decisions about her going into "a home" must be made by a custodian, so you need power of attorney. Speak to a lawyer about that.

This is totally putting the horse before the cart. I had four grandparents and exactly zero of them went into nursing homes. None of them moved in with adult children either. So there's no guarantee that at 72 your mom would NEED a nursing home.

Everyone's being too dramatic.

... So now she's changing her will to make me the executor.

My mom lives in a foreign country, and my brother lives in her neighbourhood. I live here in the US. My mom no longer trusts my brother because 1) he's an asshole and she's finally seeing the light and 2) he literally told her he would put her in a home. My mom is 62.

My brother thinks he's the executor of her will and this is going to cause huge drama. I don't want drama and don't particularly want this job, because I live so far away.

How hard is it to be an executor? My mom basically told me she no longer trusts me brother.

A little background- I was home a few months ago and broke down in a restaurant, crying over my salad because I told my mom I worried about her living alone. I lost my dad when I was young and I worry all the time something will happen to my mom. She lives alone with her little dogs and doesn't have a lot of friends, and my brother only calls her when he wants money or a babysitter. I basically begged my mom to apply for a greencard so I could take care of her when she gets older. My mom decided to talk to my brother about things and he told her without any care or emotion that he expects that she'll be living in a home in 10 years. My mom said she was contrasting my brothers comments with mine, and decided she doesn't trust him anymore. My brother has also borrowed hundreds of thousands of dollars from my mom and never replaid even $1.

So now my mom wants me to be the executor. How hard is this when I don't live in their country? I wish my brother wasn't such a selfish asshole.