Anonymous
03/06/2016 12:59
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
There is no reason to tell your fiance how your family fells. My family didn't like my fiance at the time, but now they love him.
It may, however, be worthwhile to do some introspection over how you ended your marriage. It seems there is some concern there.
It may, however, be worthwhile to do some introspection over how you ended your marriage. It seems there is some concern there.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 12:25
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Part of the problem is your family blaming your fiancee for the divorce rather than you.
Even if they think you cheated with him, not saying you actually did, that would be your fault.
So your family has raised you to not take responsibility for your actions which leads me to conclude you most likely did cheat--because hey its either your husbands fault or your fiancees fault but not your fault.
Even if they think you cheated with him, not saying you actually did, that would be your fault.
So your family has raised you to not take responsibility for your actions which leads me to conclude you most likely did cheat--because hey its either your husbands fault or your fiancees fault but not your fault.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 12:20
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
OP your post was very carefully worded. Was new fiancee someone you were friendly with before the divorce? Something must have cause your family to suspect you cheated on your husband with him. You didnt actually rule that possibility out either.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 11:07
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced female. 3 months after my ex husband moved out I was asked to go out on a date by someone. We did. We have hit it off very well. My divorce has been final for 13 months. Well, he asked, I said yes 1 month ago. My family recently told me that they have believed that he is the reason for my divorce and therefore do not agree with the engagement. His family is great, they love me and support us. I have told my family that he was absolutely not the reason. My ex had serious anxiety/depression/social anxiety and is an introvert, we grew apart. My family knew that things were not good between my ex husband and I for a while. I'm not sure what I do at this point. Do I tell my now finance' about the way my family feels? Do I just move forward with wedding plans (it will be a small type wedding)
It hurts me that my family doesn't believe me. I feel happy to have found someone again, but confused and sad about how he is received in my family.
I think they may be on to something. He asked you out 3 months after your DH moved out. That sounds like he waited the "minimum appropriate amount of time so as not to look bad". Then he asks you to marry him exactly 12 months after your divorce is final? Again, it sounds like he is doing things to satisfy some sort of minimum rules so as not to look bad. Assuming that your divorce took at least a year to finalize after your DH moved out- which is highly unlikely as it takes a year of official separation and time to work things out- especially with minor children (who were 6/7 and 9/10 when he moved out?). WHo istiaged the separation? Did you ask your DH to move out? What was the precipitating event?
How long have you known your fiancé?
Anonymous
03/06/2016 10:50
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Are you the mom who posted a month ago about how your boys' dad does not want them listening to your new serious boyfriend? And you think that they should because you think he is more of a dad to them?
If you are and you have this going on, plus your family is seeing things about your relationship that alarm them, I think you are on a too fast rebound or this guy is actually part of the break up of your marriage, and you need to slow way down for your kids' sake.
At the very least have a one year or longer engagement. It sounds as if you are in the selfish, unrealistic rebound phase and perhaps your judgement might be clouded a bit by lust over logic.
If you are and you have this going on, plus your family is seeing things about your relationship that alarm them, I think you are on a too fast rebound or this guy is actually part of the break up of your marriage, and you need to slow way down for your kids' sake.
At the very least have a one year or longer engagement. It sounds as if you are in the selfish, unrealistic rebound phase and perhaps your judgement might be clouded a bit by lust over logic.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 10:40
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Anonymous wrote:Presumably you're an adult - you don't need their consent to marry. I'd tell them you've told them the truth and that you're sorry they don't believe you, then move forward with your life. If they choose to join you that's great, and if not, that's on them.
I think this although it's easier said than done. I think it's weird that family members would accuse you of cheating. Maybe they just worry that you're on the rebound.
Also, is it one particular family member espousing this view? I'd sit down and have a one-on-one chat. Let this person know that once and for all that you didn't know your fiancé while you were married and that gossiping/casting aspersions about your relationship is wrong and hurtful to you, him, and your kids. Tell them to cut it out.
I wouldn't share this with your fiancé unless absolutely necessary. I think it would be unnecessarily hurtful.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 10:37
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Moved out is not divorced or separated. You were carrying on while you were married--and you have kids. So it's understandable that your family feels this relationship contributed to your divorce. Because there's no way it didn't.
But what's done is done. They should realize that you've gotten a divorce, and now you are getting married again, and that is that.
But what is your question/point? They have the right not to be thrilled. They have a right to their feelings. That can't stop you from getting remarried. But don't expect them to fall all over themselves to buy you china or throw you a party. They should attend the wedding, but that wedding should be small and tasteful.
Your fiance does not need to know their feelings, because their feelings aren't relevant to your choice. But if they "act out," he'll probably figure it out on his own.
But what's done is done. They should realize that you've gotten a divorce, and now you are getting married again, and that is that.
But what is your question/point? They have the right not to be thrilled. They have a right to their feelings. That can't stop you from getting remarried. But don't expect them to fall all over themselves to buy you china or throw you a party. They should attend the wedding, but that wedding should be small and tasteful.
Your fiance does not need to know their feelings, because their feelings aren't relevant to your choice. But if they "act out," he'll probably figure it out on his own.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 10:34
Subject: Re:Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Anonymous wrote:I'm 42 now. Was married for 14years. Yes kids, 9 and 12. They get along my finance' very well!Anonymous wrote:Are there children involved? If so, how old and are they include in the "family" that is opposed to you marrying? How long were you married and how old are you now?
When did you meet your now fiancé? Not when he asked you out on a date, when did you meet him and what was the circumstances?
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:50
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
I wouldn't dwell on their reactions. You are a grownup. Do you rely on them for help or financial support or something? Otherwise, I'd wouldn't engage. It just creates unneccessary drama.
They have no right to judge you or presume they have inside knowledge of your first marriage. They didn't live it.
With that said, I would deflect their comments, and I wouldn't tell my new husband unless it was going to present an issue. They will probably grow to like him. People have trouble accepting change.
They have no right to judge you or presume they have inside knowledge of your first marriage. They didn't live it.
With that said, I would deflect their comments, and I wouldn't tell my new husband unless it was going to present an issue. They will probably grow to like him. People have trouble accepting change.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:37
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Did you post about this a few months ago?
A while back, there were repeated posts about this same situation.
There are huge problems here.
A family that chooses not to be believe their own child.
A family that believes something serious without evidence.
A family that "does not agree" to a 40 year old woman's engagement.
It's hardly credible. If they're not religious fundamentalists or from a different, severely conservative culture, I don't understand it at all.
Go ahead with what your believe is right for your happiness. If it means breaking off contact with your family, then do so.
A while back, there were repeated posts about this same situation.
There are huge problems here.
A family that chooses not to be believe their own child.
A family that believes something serious without evidence.
A family that "does not agree" to a 40 year old woman's engagement.
It's hardly credible. If they're not religious fundamentalists or from a different, severely conservative culture, I don't understand it at all.
Go ahead with what your believe is right for your happiness. If it means breaking off contact with your family, then do so.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:35
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
A bit more detail on the timeline.
Your husband moved out. Was it an actual separation, or was he just not living there?
When was the divorce finalized?
For the record, I think your family is being unreasonable, I'm just trying to get a sense of why your family is opposed. Agree with PP that children might be a factor for them. Also, are they very traditional and/or from a culture that frowns upon divorce?
Your husband moved out. Was it an actual separation, or was he just not living there?
When was the divorce finalized?
For the record, I think your family is being unreasonable, I'm just trying to get a sense of why your family is opposed. Agree with PP that children might be a factor for them. Also, are they very traditional and/or from a culture that frowns upon divorce?
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:31
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Presumably you're an adult - you don't need their consent to marry. I'd tell them you've told them the truth and that you're sorry they don't believe you, then move forward with your life. If they choose to join you that's great, and if not, that's on them.
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:31
Subject: Re:Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
I'm 42 now. Was married for 14years. Yes kids, 9 and 12. They get along my finance' very well!Anonymous wrote:Are there children involved? If so, how old and are they include in the "family" that is opposed to you marrying? How long were you married and how old are you now?
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:27
Subject: Re:Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
Are there children involved? If so, how old and are they include in the "family" that is opposed to you marrying? How long were you married and how old are you now?
Anonymous
03/06/2016 09:17
Subject: Happy and now Engaged but my family has issues
I'm a divorced female. 3 months after my ex husband moved out I was asked to go out on a date by someone. We did. We have hit it off very well. My divorce has been final for 13 months. Well, he asked, I said yes 1 month ago. My family recently told me that they have believed that he is the reason for my divorce and therefore do not agree with the engagement. His family is great, they love me and support us. I have told my family that he was absolutely not the reason. My ex had serious anxiety/depression/social anxiety and is an introvert, we grew apart. My family knew that things were not good between my ex husband and I for a while. I'm not sure what I do at this point. Do I tell my now finance' about the way my family feels? Do I just move forward with wedding plans (it will be a small type wedding)
It hurts me that my family doesn't believe me. I feel happy to have found someone again, but confused and sad about how he is received in my family.
It hurts me that my family doesn't believe me. I feel happy to have found someone again, but confused and sad about how he is received in my family.