Anonymous wrote: Inviting someone a plane ride away for a 1st bday party would seem like a gift grab, honestly.

Yes! This is so true. Same for a wedding. When you get an odd invite to a gift giving event and don't know the bride of groom, or live super far away in case of any other type of party, it totally seems like a cheesy gift grab. Yuck. Your mother us completely wrong on proper etiquette. She has absolutely no clue about acceptable hosting behavior.

Yikes. You can't be bothered worrying about "the norm."

Hold the party you want. This is the start of many time you will likely need to draw boundaries.

We did our first birthday party as an open house and we invited a lot of people. Probably 60-75 people showed up at varying times. We had baby asleep for nap when our first wave a people arrived -- single people with no kids and couples with no kids. So we had plenty of time to visit and hang out with them. My parents and ILs were there as well. When baby woke up from nap, the childless people and grandparents held her and fed her and played with her and the second wave of people arrived -- people with kids and nap times and people with older kids who have activities on weekends. We did birthday cake and pictures and then soon thereafter everyone headed home. It worked out really well, but we hosted in our own house and while I considered my mom's opinion about inviting the known universe I did not fall in lockstep with her wishes. My aunt traveled to attend the party, but she also visited with my mom for a few days. I did not invite any other out of town relatives. My mom wasn't happy but she survived to tell the tale.

Their party, their guest list. Are you indian by chance?

Wow. No, not normal. Immediate family and close friends is appropriate. 150 people for a first birthday party is insane. I don't know about norms changing - I don't think big birthday parties were ever the norm. In fact, I think we make bigger deals out of things like first birthdays than our parents or grandparents did. Ask your mom if she had 150 people for your first birthday.

Out of curiosity, did you actually invited all those random people to your wedding? Did they come? Weren't you worried about looking like a gift grabber?

DH and I invited our siblings and a couple of close family friends. Inviting someone a plane ride away for a 1st bday party would seem like a gift grab, honestly.

Ideally you would have set up this boundary for your wedding. Do it now. "Not your party, mom". Put that on repeat.

Not the norm. But realize that this dynamic is partly your fault for not shutting her down re: the wedding.

Tell your mom, "not your house, not your party. It's a first birthday, not a coronation"

For a first birthday, many people, myself included, did an open house so everyone wasn't there at the same time. Make sure your have a quiet room to take the baby to for feeding, napping, or a break from the noise.

Make sure you specify the start and end times for the party so people won't think this is an all-day affair. A typical 1st birthday party should be 2 hours long during the space between naps but don't let it last longer than 3 hours. If you specify that it's a short party, then distant relatives will be more likely to send their regrets. Tell you mother she can host her family reunion another time.

Well I would be pi$$ed if I were your aunt and uncle and graciously offered to host a manageable 30 people event and you bumped it up to 200. So there's that.

Not the norm. Our first child's first birthday we only invited close family that lived nearby (within a 2 hour drive)--so that was my parents, one of my two siblings (and his girlfriend) and one of my husband's three siblings (and her boyfriend.) They weren't formal invitations, just an email saying "Hey it's Matthew's birthday next Saturday so if you want to come over at 1 we're having pizza and cake."

That is certainly not the norm. Invite who you want to invite and tell your mom "things have changed." This isn't a family "event" per se, it's a birthday party.

It's not the norm. There is no new norm. You invite who you want, not who your mother wants.

Have norms changed? Can they?

Background: we are hosting a 1st birthday party for our DD in a few months. We are doing it because we had a really tough time conceiving, multiple hospital stays etc. she is now healthy and happy - so we thought it would be nice to celebrate something good. My Aunt & Uncle are hosting because we have a tiny house. I'd like to keep the guest list at no more than 30 due to space and money.

The controversy:
My mom (older boomer) insists that EVERYONE we are even vaguely related to needs to be invited to every family event. People that we only see once a decade and don't even talk to them when we see them. They also live a plane ride or minimum 5 hrs away. She says its rude not too and she was taught that you need to invite everyone or no one...

The reality:
This is over 150 people from both sides! It doesn't include our friends of which we boiled down to just the closest. For our wedding, my mom gave us an invite list of 200 ppl that included everyone she ever met...including her manicurist from across the country...coworkers she hasn't spoken to in a decade etc. as a result we could not afford to invite most of our friends...

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So, is it still considered the norm to invite every distant relative to everything? Are we rude not too? I'd rather close ranks. Also, I personally am not going to travel for a 1st birthday unless it's my niece so I don't expect others to travel for ours.

What's the new norm?

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