How much attention/care does your mom need? Will your sister be stuck in the house with her most of the day?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house. Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does. Keep the ideas coming. As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work. She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad. I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free.

Tread this very lightly. I would not be ok with you doing a cleaning service in my home. I think its great others do it, but I would not want someone in my home/personal space. Same goes with food, it would be uncomfortable for me. Honestly, calling and seeing how she is, calling mom and visiting and while you visiting take over the daily care are the best things you can do. Money does not solve its a difficult situation in this case and your sister wants to do it or feels obligated, so let her. It isn't about having kids or not. She is the only one stepping up to do it. Offering her money, food, vacations is not the way to go. If anything, have your mom change the will so sister is left slightly more of the share for caring for mom as an appreciation. Your sister has already declined money. While the other posters are well intentioned, it puts her is an uncomfortable situation to decline. Your helping - time is far more important.

Is it your sister or your SIL?

Not that it really matters, just curious.

OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house. Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does. Keep the ideas coming. As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work. She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad. I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free.

Is your sister going to be helping her 24-7, 7 days a week? if so, this is a huge task. You should insist on paying a caregiver for the weekends, and nights. Make sure she does not work more than 40 hrs/week which is what a real home aide would do.

we went through the same thing a few years ago, and unfortunately, my sister was no help at all. She didn't contribute anything. Your sister is lucky to have someone like you in her court.

You're a good sister, OP!
My aunt took care of my grandmother, and my mother didn't lift a finger.

Cleaning service?

A regular spa day or something?

I took care of my MIL and now she is in a nursing home but manage everything. It was the only option as my husband's brother and SIL lived close by but they refused to help or even visit. We moved her cross-county. I would offer to keep the aid or be prepared to get another one. Caring full time sounds good but then the reality is very different. It was very difficult and stressful to manage our home with her due to her needs. Also, your sister, if she has kids cannot be there 24/7. An aide is a huge help. I would do both if you have that option. Or, housekeeping. You could also do grocery delivery (we did that for my MIL when she lived cross country). I would never accept money to help out family so offer help as you are vs. money. I'd be very uncomfortable with that offer. Providing an aide, housekeeping, helping with clothing shopping, grocery shopping, managing finances (especially the medical piece), etc. are all good way to help. Also, going for a week or two to give them a break for a vacation or just a break, and long weekends too as you are doing would be a huge help. (or us even a 5 minute phone call would be appreciated either to us or to mom).

Make sure you have all the paperwork in place - power of attorney or legal guardianship if she cannot care for herself mentally anymore (you can file in court not represented and its very easy surprisingly without a lawyer.)

If she won't accept payment now, she might in a month or so when it finally sinks in that this is her "job" now, and is likely to be for a long time. So maybe revisit the idea, or ask her to let you know if she ever feels like she would like to be paid something.

Otherwise, I think helping find (and fund) respite care so she can get a day off here and there would be great. I assume that between you and sibling #3 you'd have a long vacation week covered; it's more likely to be needing a day off once a week.

You should pay her the same a in-house or visiting nurse would be paid.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe send sis and her family on a vacation and you go out there for a week this summer?

This is a really nice idea.

Does your sister have kids? Could you help contribute toward college funds?

Maybe send sis and her family on a vacation and you go out there for a week this summer?

Sis, I know there are real sacrifices associated with what you are taking on. How can I help? I mean help not only financially, but in terms of supporting you. Let's make a plan."

My mom (dad already gone) and 3 siblings all live in the midwestern town I grew up in. I've been in DC for about 12 years, came out here on a transfer and while its not perfect its where our kids ended up finding their school community and my husbands career goals were achieved here. We are staying here until I'm done raising the kids. (3 kids, oldest 17, youngest 8 so I still have a decade left!) I could take up pages on my moms health history but shortened version is she isn't happy with home health aids and she isn't ready for a nursing home so my oldest sister is quitting her job to take care of my mom. I have already spread out my PTO and go to visit about every 6 weeks but I need to do more. I want to financially start contributing to my moms household but she won't have it. She really doesn't need it either but I feel helpless and want to do something. I would LOVE to somehow help out my sister financially since she is taking the biggest hit by leaving her job. Her husband makes good money and while they are fine I still know the job loss will impact the household. Anyway I can tactfully give her money? I was paying for the home health care aid which up until now was my way of contributing but now my sister is replacing that duty I know what she really needs is my presence more and I am doing the best I can but I am in the midst of middle and high school woes and my kids need a lot of me too. Anyone have any ideas on this? I dont want to look like I am just trying to throw money at this problem but I also know there are real sacrifices taking place here and want to help without offending.