18:02--I should have said Unfortunately that is "often" what doesn't happen. Sometimes it does happen that people apologize and make amends.

You and your brother need to make your own independent decisions. What is right for one of you may not be right for the other. I hope you will support your brother.

I understand you want to protect your mother too, but this is why secrets are kept about abuse--to protect other people and to make everyone feel comfortable even though what is going on is not OK. You were children. You needed protecting. She failed to protect you. This may be hard for her but it is reality. And if nothing is said, no one has the opportunity to make any amends or to apologize, etc.

HOWEVER, that unfortunately is not what happens, and families deny what happened, or deny the seriousness ("you're making a big deal out of nothing, don't be so dramatic") or deny that they were at fault ("I couldn't have known....if it was so bad why didn't you tell anyone" etc).

Your brother is angry--angry at your stepfather, angry at your mother for her failure to protect. I would hope you would be angry too. I hope you will talk to a therapist about this. I have been talking to a therapist for a long time about things my mother does not know about. My father is also feeble now. I waffle between wanting it all out in the open and not wanting to go there. I don't know how I'd feel if I had a brother who was going to bring up the subject and get it all out in the open. Maybe relieved. Best of luck to you.

You are still protecting your mother from the knowledge that her husband abused her children. This is why secrets are kept because no one wants others to feel uncomfortable by rocking the boat.

I guess I'm wondering why you both think your younger sister wasn't abused? Why would he have left her alone?

New poster here OP, I'm a mom. If my son were abused, I'd want to know. He's my baby forever, even when he is an adult. Doesn't matter who did it. Even a loved one. My duty (and my heart) belong to my child. I'm not saying the news wouldn't be tragic. It would. But I would want my son to feel safe telling me.

Anonymous wrote:How old is your mom? How is her physical and mental health? Is she resilient enough to cope with the news if it's given?

I wouldn't get into the sordid details of the abuse. My experience with similar situations is that mom probably won't be able to bring herself to believe it anyway.

"I am uncomfortable participating in John's care because there were times during my childhood when he was unkind, inappropriate, and even abusive to me. No, I have no interest in reliving the details of what that means. Bottom line, I love you very much mom and I am here to support YOU during this difficult time. But I am not willing to (X Y Z) with John."

Repeat the last two sentences as necessary.

Good advice.

How old is your mom? How is her physical and mental health? Is she resilient enough to cope with the news if it's given?

I wouldn't get into the sordid details of the abuse. My experience with similar situations is that mom probably won't be able to bring herself to believe it anyway.

"I am uncomfortable participating in John's care because there were times during my childhood when he was unkind, inappropriate, and even abusive to me. No, I have no interest in reliving the details of what that means. Bottom line, I love you very much mom and I am here to support YOU during this difficult time. But I am not willing to (X Y Z) with John."

Repeat the last two sentences as necessary.

Is it possible your sister was abused as well?

why didn't* you say anything

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I will support my brother if he chooses to tell our mom. Thing is though I know it's likely she won't believe him causing all sorts of problems and our poor sister would be caught in the middle forced to choose sides. If I say I support him mum will want to know why as the older brother I didn't say anything or how I can be sure. I just don't want to go there or think about any of it. It' s terrible but I wish he never came home from the hospital

This is victim blaming, and although it isn't right, it will absolutely happen (like a PP said). The questions isn't why did you say anything. You were a child. Where was she as a parent? I'm not saying you should actually say that to her. Just trying to point out how ridiculous it is when parents victim blame their own children who suffered abuse at the hands of their spouse.

Yeah I will support my brother if he chooses to tell our mom. Thing is though I know it's likely she won't believe him causing all sorts of problems and our poor sister would be caught in the middle forced to choose sides. If I say I support him mum will want to know why as the older brother I didn't say anything or how I can be sure. I just don't want to go there or think about any of it. It' s terrible but I wish he never came home from the hospital

OP I am very sorry this happened to you. You might want to check out some books on the subject. For example "blame the victim" is alive and well in abuse cases. Shocking I know. there is a tendency to "rally around" the abuser and then accuse the abused. Your Step mother has already started by looking the other way, then urging you to help your step father. It is a terrible circumstance, which I have seen many times, unfortunately. Your support during this time will not come from your mother. That is how it goes so many times, so get ready. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I were abused by the man our stepfather, starting shortly after our sister was born so from when I was 14 and he was 13 until we both left home. Neither of us have told our mother what went on. I have issues with our mother for other reasons, but we both believe she didn't know of the abuse.
Recently our stepfather was very ill close to death, both my brother and I participated in his care though admittedly we didn't do as much as we could have. Health wise he is doing better, no longer hospitilized, but her probably won't live long.

My mother has had words with both my brother and I over our "behavior" during the initial health crisis. How she was disappointed we didn't do more for the man who raised us. My brother wants to tell our mother the truth about him.

I'm hesitant to do so. I know it will break our mother's heart. She wasn't a perfect mother, but she didn't have the easiest of lives, and he brought her some happiness. The other reason is our sister she adores her father and this would crush her. She's in her first year of college and doing very well, and I don't want to derail that.
He's pretty much confined to a chair or bed all day, totally dependent on the help of others and will likely be dead in a couple years. I don't want to cause a family rift when he has't got long .

There are no kids in the family at the moment, both of our spouses are aware.

I'm okay with where I am in my life and don't want to dredge up the past. I don't want to force my brother to remain quiet either.

If your brother wants to tell your mother about his abuse, that is his choice. Key word, "his". Tell him if he wants to tell HIS story, you will support him (you would, right?), but to please not bring your story into it. You could tell him that if any other family members ask you "Is this true?" you will verify that it did happen but say no more than that. If they ask you if you were abused, you can say truthfully say "This isn't something I want to discuss."

But you can't "force" your brother to keep quiet about HIS abuse.

Don't say anything if you don't want to, but as a victim as well it is up to your brother to handle things his way. If he wants to say something, let him.

My brother and I were abused by the man our stepfather, starting shortly after our sister was born so from when I was 14 and he was 13 until we both left home. Neither of us have told our mother what went on. I have issues with our mother for other reasons, but we both believe she didn't know of the abuse.
Recently our stepfather was very ill close to death, both my brother and I participated in his care though admittedly we didn't do as much as we could have. Health wise he is doing better, no longer hospitilized, but her probably won't live long.

My mother has had words with both my brother and I over our "behavior" during the initial health crisis. How she was disappointed we didn't do more for the man who raised us. My brother wants to tell our mother the truth about him.

I'm hesitant to do so. I know it will break our mother's heart. She wasn't a perfect mother, but she didn't have the easiest of lives, and he brought her some happiness. The other reason is our sister she adores her father and this would crush her. She's in her first year of college and doing very well, and I don't want to derail that.
He's pretty much confined to a chair or bed all day, totally dependent on the help of others and will likely be dead in a couple years. I don't want to cause a family rift when he has't got long .

There are no kids in the family at the moment, both of our spouses are aware.

I'm okay with where I am in my life and don't want to dredge up the past. I don't want to force my brother to remain quiet either.