Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The idea that the teen brain craves stimulation, and it will take either positive or negative stimulation to get its need met.

So, praising works to fulfill that need, but you getting mad at them and having a big brew-ha-ha also fills that stimulation need--both parental responses help hardwire the teen's prior behavior into their system because both rewards their brain.

So the trick is, when they do something you don't like, to give them zero stimulation rather than getting upset with them. Zero brain stimulation is the only way to avoid the hard-wiring of the behavior, or to lessen the effect of previously hard-wired behavior. (Meaning, you give no drama).

So if you say, "Stop doing X" and teen says, "No, I'm doing X" instead of forcing that issue "Stop doing X Now!" blah blah….you say, super-calmly (I actually am saying it pleasantly) "Ok, fine, you can choose to do X, but, you know, if you do, you get no Y tomorrow."

The other thing I took from it is that when my teen said or did something, I don't take it as a larger issue, "he doesn't respect his father" or "he's growing up so rude,"--now I take it as, "it's a phase, he knows how to be respectful because I taught him how, before the phase…"

I read it a week ago. Last night I received, "Good night, mom. I love you." (To which I gave a lot of brain stimulation back!!)

It's funny how much the advice for twos and teens is similar.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The idea that the teen brain craves stimulation, and it will take either positive or negative stimulation to get its need met.

So, praising works to fulfill that need, but you getting mad at them and having a big brew-ha-ha also fills that stimulation need--both parental responses help hardwire the teen's prior behavior into their system because both rewards their brain.

So the trick is, when they do something you don't like, to give them zero stimulation rather than getting upset with them. Zero brain stimulation is the only way to avoid the hard-wiring of the behavior, or to lessen the effect of previously hard-wired behavior. (Meaning, you give no drama).

So if you say, "Stop doing X" and teen says, "No, I'm doing X" instead of forcing that issue "Stop doing X Now!" blah blah….you say, super-calmly (I actually am saying it pleasantly) "Ok, fine, you can choose to do X, but, you know, if you do, you get no Y tomorrow."

The other thing I took from it is that when my teen said or did something, I don't take it as a larger issue, "he doesn't respect his father" or "he's growing up so rude,"--now I take it as, "it's a phase, he knows how to be respectful because I taught him how, before the phase…"

I read it a week ago. Last night I received, "Good night, mom. I love you." (To which I gave a lot of brain stimulation back!!)

Anonymous wrote:WOW. Even just the synopsis helped me just now ... this EXACTLY describes what we have going on as well, and while somehow I knew I was feeding this, did not realize quite how. Heading off to Amazon ... thank you from a completely different random person.

Anonymous wrote:Do you all recommend this for preteens a well? My 10 yo seems to have taken a dive off the deep end lately and has turned into a rude, nasty alien. Too early?