Honestly, you really need to consider that you and your husband need to get a bit more firm in your discipline.

Sure, many of us are more lax than our parents were, so I think this issue comes up with many young families. But the scenario you describe
tells me that you may need to step it up. Not to shut down the looks and muttering (agree that's annoying); more importantly, the expectations
for behavior in front of guests, during mealtime, are being set now. It will pay off when your kids are obnoxious preteens.

You don't want to sit down and join us for dinner? OK, then right to your room. Please join us when you are ready to sit politely and eat what is being
served.

And, ignore your IL's.

Anonymous wrote:You actually let your hild go fix himself something he "liked" after an adult prepared a full dinner?
You honestly think that was ok?

Not OP, but I allow my kids to do this and I 100% think it's okay. If my kids don't like dinner, they are free to make a sandwich and eat it with a piece of fruit. I am not doing it for them, but I don't make them eat what I have prepared.

It's a rule at our house that the kids have to try anything new, and they have to be polite when they decline to eat it, but they don't have to eat stuff they don't like. That is freakishly controlling.

Not every person cares for the same foods. People should not be forced to eat things that they don't enjoy. Food should be a pleasure, not a punishment, and people should have control over what they put in their own bodies.

How often are the ILs coming for dinner? It sounds like they and your son are not particularly close. I'm guessing that having them there raises the stress level for all of you and I can imagine that resulting in your son acting out and you wanting to smooth things over by not choosing that time to have a big blow up with your son. Here are my thoughts.

1. Reduce the number of IL visits.
2. Before the next visit, have a talk with your son where you (a) acknowledge his feelings about the ILs, if that is indeed an issue and (b) set your expectations for his behavior - we are having X, I expect you to use your good manners and sit at the table and eat X with us.
3. Have at least one thing on the menu that he likes to eat.
4. Ignore the sour looks from the ILs.
5. Praise your son's good behavior.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are always quietly passing judgment on our three young children's behavior. Our youngest is seven and, all in all, a good kid. But he definitely has his moments. Recently he refused to sit for dinner and proceeded to try to make himself something he "liked." My ILs were seething and very free with the facial expressions. Later I overheard them whispering about it. What makes it tough is that there are subtle commentaries but nothing direct. I know my kids aren't perfect (whose are?), but my gut reaction is, if you don't like it don't come. But we also don't want to have a major blow up. What to do?

If there's nothing direct, just ignore it.

Modern parenting style is very different than more traditional 'you are to be seen and not heard' authoritarian type of parenting. Who cares if they get upset. If you are doing your best, if you are doing what you think is right, then learn to ignore little whispers or whatever. They will probably never think you are a good parent but if you know you are, so what. And, who cares if you actually did allow your child to fix himself something else. That's exactly what my husband does when he doesn't like what's there and I would not necessarily have a problem if my kid did it too. Or who cares if you shut it down - it's YOUR kid, do what you want and ignore the naysayers, from ILs to DCUM's.

Confront them. Tell them the looks/whispers are noticed and not appreciated. Tell them it won't fly in your home.

If you're not willing to do that, expect this to continue.

Address it or live with it. Your choice.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are always quietly passing judgment on our three young children's behavior. Our youngest is seven and, all in all, a good kid. But he definitely has his moments. Recently he refused to sit for dinner and proceeded to try to make himself something he "liked." My ILs were seething and very free with the facial expressions. Later I overheard them whispering about it. What makes it tough is that there are subtle commentaries but nothing direct. I know my kids aren't perfect (whose are?), but my gut reaction is, if you don't like it don't come. But we also don't want to have a major blow up. What to do?

OP-- Don't listen to these other judgmental people who are just as bad as your ILs. You just continue to do what you believe is in your child's best interest and don't feel bad about it. If you feel that you should have reacted differently, then you will in the future. Otherwise, ignore these people. Unless people walk in your shoes it is very easy to judge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to go out on a limb and say that your ILs are not seething at their behavior, but your reaction to it. What were you and your spouse doing while your kid was ruining dinner for everyone else?

OP here. Firmly telling him to knock it off without going into full blow up mode. It's a balancing act.

Doesn't sound like it was all that firm if it went on more than 30 seconds. He would have had no chance whatsoever to be fixing something else if I had been handling it.

Your in-laws are right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to go out on a limb and say that your ILs are not seething at their behavior, but your reaction to it. What were you and your spouse doing while your kid was ruining dinner for everyone else?

+1

+1,000

How did you handle it? I would have shut that down before it even started.

You actually let your hild go fix himself something he "liked" after an adult prepared a full dinner?
You honestly think that was ok?

You actually let your hild go fix himself something he "liked" after an adult prepared a full dinner?
You honestly think that was ok?

Anonymous wrote:I am going to go out on a limb and say that your ILs are not seething at their behavior, but your reaction to it. What were you and your spouse doing while your kid was ruining dinner for everyone else?

OP here. Firmly telling him to knock it off without going into full blow up mode. It's a balancing act.

Many people, especially from older generations, are going to find that kind of behavior extremely rude. They probably are not shocked that a child would do such a thing as much as that the parents would allow it.

Anonymous wrote:I am going to go out on a limb and say that your ILs are not seething at their behavior, but your reaction to it. What were you and your spouse doing while your kid was ruining dinner for everyone else?

+1

I am going to go out on a limb and say that your ILs are not seething at their behavior, but your reaction to it. What were you and your spouse doing while your kid was ruining dinner for everyone else?

My ILs are always quietly passing judgment on our three young children's behavior. Our youngest is seven and, all in all, a good kid. But he definitely has his moments. Recently he refused to sit for dinner and proceeded to try to make himself something he "liked." My ILs were seething and very free with the facial expressions. Later I overheard them whispering about it. What makes it tough is that there are subtle commentaries but nothing direct. I know my kids aren't perfect (whose are?), but my gut reaction is, if you don't like it don't come. But we also don't want to have a major blow up. What to do?