To complete my response above: he needs a full evaluation by a psychologist, then he needs to work with a psychiatrist for medication.

I agree with a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

If you have other children especially you may have to consider a residential treatment center. I consider this very drastic. However, if he cannot meet goals for behavior--and I would be very concrete here--this may be what you need to do, particularly for the well being of siblings. I like the PP's approach--if you don't consistently do x, y, and z in the next three months, we will have to do an RTC. I understand that your options in this regard could be very limited depending upon what the medical condition is--RTCs do NOT do medical conditions well.

Agree a good CBT or DBT program could be helpful.

For yourself and your DH, I highly recommend learning validation techniques. These were developed for family dealing with borderline personality disorder, but they are very, very helpful for dealing with challenging teens. A good book in this regard is "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

I feel your pain, OP. We have a 12 yr old DS who is outwardly wonderful at school and has friends, but can be a nightmare at home. Rude, obstinate and saying the meanest things, sometimes being physical, towards siblings and us. We have started seeing a family therapist and even though he won't attend (has gone twice), we are taking the lessons learned to try and modify our parenting style. The focus is on more positive parenting, so praising even the smallest good things he does (it's frustrating because you feel like this shouldn't be required of older kids) and trying to ignore the rudeness because responding to it tends to escalate the issue. When you have a kid like this, the traditional parenting rules go out the window and you have to adapt. Other parents who don't deal with this may look down on your approach, but you do what works for your family. Medication can also help to an extent, although we've been experimenting for years and haven't found much success yet. Good luck and you aren't alone.

Psychiatrist at once.

Anonymous wrote:What is the doctor's diagnosis? I assume you've ruled out ADD? Household craziness and the world at home revolving around your child sounds like an unmedicated ADD kid.

Or anxiety. The being suspicious of others being mean to him sounds like anxiety. My DS's behavior changed dramatically for the better once his anxiety was properly treated with medication. Also, he may not be engaging with his therapist if this is the case, which also happened with my DS. Therapy was not effective at all until his anxiety was lowered enough to really talk and tackle the issues.

Anonymous wrote:Are you (and the other members of your family) going to counseling?

I wonder this as well. If you are not, you need to. Your entire family needs to learn how to manage this.

What is the doctor's diagnosis? I assume you've ruled out ADD? Household craziness and the world at home revolving around your child sounds like an unmedicated ADD kid.

YES! Psychiatrist - stat. There is so much that might be able to help medication-wise. Also I would try a new therapist if the current one is not helping. Research DBT - which can be very effective with oppositional teens. Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda does DBT.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your description of your son (ongoing mental issue, plus mediccal condition that has had an impact in the last year or so) sounds familiar. Have you posted before? Just curious, as I'm wondering what kind of feedback/advice you got on that thread, and if you found any of it useful.

FWIW, wheter or not you have posted before, I agree with PP that there should be family counseling, and individual therapy for you as well.
Good luck.

No, I don't think I've posted here before.

I highly recommend working with Sarah Wayland (http://www.guidingexceptionalparents.com/). She works with Dan Shapiro and taught a parenting class that really helped our family. She is excellent and knowledgeable about services in the area.
Dan Shapiro also has a parenting class coming up for parents of teens: http://raisingyourchallengingchild.com/2016March-Teens.html

Dan and Sarah post all course materials online for public use. The slides from the parenting teens course (Between Parents & Adolescents) are here:
http://raisingyourchallengingchild.com/ShortCourseHandouts.html#teens

Good luck OP, so sorry you are going through this and hope you are able to find a way through to better days.

Have you looked into residential programs? We are trying cognitive behavioral therapy for our son with a behaviorist and we are also letting him know that he will go to a residential program if he does not learn to control his temper and stop ruining the family dynamic. I know this is really hard.

OP, your description of your son (ongoing mental issue, plus mediccal condition that has had an impact in the last year or so) sounds familiar. Have you posted before? Just curious, as I'm wondering what kind of feedback/advice you got on that thread, and if you found any of it useful.

FWIW, wheter or not you have posted before, I agree with PP that there should be family counseling, and individual therapy for you as well.
Good luck.

Sounds like you need to change therapists and/or see that psychiatrist. Meanwhile, have you read "the explosive child"? I found that book really helpful.

Are you (and the other members of your family) going to counseling?

I love him, of course, but he is really difficult to live with. This is not a teen thing, this has been going on for a long time, but is certainly exacerbated by being a teen. He is extremely moody, can be very obstinate, and cruel. He says very mean things to me and his father, his sister, and occasionally other people. He can be physical. Strangely, he largely can hold it together at school, and has friends. However, he always THINKS he is being made fun of, ganged up on, etc. even when with his friends. I can tell you from years of listening in on what was transpiring, they weren't doing that or if they were, it was stuff boys do and not that big a deal.

We walk on egg shells constantly in the family and the whole feel of the house is not happy. I feel angry at him for what he has done to all of us, including my marriage. I constantly feel stressed and depressed related to him. He is seeing a therapist, but not sure how much that is helping. Again, no one other than in our household, and occasionally in sports or similar setting sees this side of him, so the school isn't any real help either.

We think we likely need to move on to a psychiatrist, but I have to say the idea makes me so nervous. Coupled with all of this, he has a medical condition, that can effect mood. This isn't the root cause, however, as this has been going on for years, and the medical condition only came into play a year ago. I guess I am just venting, but I welcome advice too. I honestly fantasize about leaving-though I would never do that.

Thanks.