Since she is doing this to several family members (more than just you or your father)? I would stage an intervention. And tell her that you cannot handle the never ending ignoring phases and if she cannot find a healthier way to channel her anger then the next time she ignores you then you are going to let her and not look back. Tell her that now that you are an adult, you refuse to let yourself be abuses in this manner, and furthermore refuse to let your children witness said bad behavior....because as the saying goes monkey see monkey do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Some context would really help us here. Is this a long-standing pattern she's used all her life with you? Or is it a recent tactic? If it's long-term, you might need to see a therapist to help sort through a lifetime of this kind of treatment (which some do see as a type of emotional abuse at some levels; it can be pretty cruel).

But if it's a new thing, is there some chance that she, herself, is changing -- maybe starting signs of dementia? (Unreasonable anger, if that's part of this, can be one possible flag of a mental health change in older people).

But all that's conjecture unless we know a bit more about the context of her and whether this is new or old; specific to one problem between you, or something she does over many things; or a tactic she's using to get her way because you've given in to it in other cases....And so on.

Thanks! It's such an ongoing thing, I was afraid I wouldn't know where to start or stop!

This is a long-standing pattern, since I was a kid (I'm 45 tomorrow). I'm an only child and she was a SAHM, so I was alone with her when she would "turn" on me. She generally has to have someone to be mad at, so she takes turns giving my father, my grandfather, me, etc. the silent treatment, without any provocation. In this latest case, DH, my three sons, and I were on a two week vacation with my parents (we all stay in the same condo) in August when halfway through, she got mad and stopped talking to me. From the spring until August, she wasn't talking to my father (as in, she'd call me to ask if I knew if my father's plans, etc. when he was sitting in the next room from her). Then, on vacation, she was watching "RHONY" and I said that I didn't like Bethenny Frankel and she got mad about that. I didn't ask her to turn it off and I certainly wasn't criticizing her for watching the show and even if I were, the silent treatment seems like a ridiculous response. She hasn't talked to me since then, except for once when we both at my son's basketball game and she asked us to Christmas. Before that, she sent me an email right before Thanksgiving asking us to Thanksgiving dinner and I replied that we'd already made plans with my ILs, but that I loved and missed her and hoped that we could talk about what happened. I also asked that she refrain from giving the silent treatment in the future. She never replied to that email. In September, she was at my home for my son's 12th birthday and she acted like I was invisible.

My father has an unspoken expectation that I will just start talking to my mother just as I always have to smooth things over so she'll come around, but I just am not willing to do that anymore[b]. I'm also really disappointed that my father never put a stop to this when I a little kid and had to be with her alone with her acting like I didn't exist. I don't want to be mad about it, but I am just not willing to subject myself to it. Not to mention that it makes my DH and sons uncomfortable. I've been a good daughter; not perfect, of course, but good. I was the first to graduate from college in my family, DH and I are raising good kids (so far), we are self-sufficient, etc., etc. My mother's behavior, which I see as bullying, has contributed to me feeling like I'm "off balance" most of the time, expecting people not to like or care for me. I've decided that I don't want to feel that way anymore and that I don't have to, but then I don't know how to reconcile my mother and my expectation that I be treated like a worthwhile human being.

My dad was like that. When he got sick, she did it to him. He was in a lot of pain and I had to explain to him, because I had learned, that her anger has nothing to do with the person on the other side of it. In the past, he'd ask me to break the ice or fix it and I'd have to explain the backstory and the lies. Then I realized he didn't like his home life when she was in this "mode". That wasn't my responsibility.

You can call your dad. Be you. If she doesn't want to talk, whatever.
She may be jealous of you, on some level and you success may irritate her.
A therapist told me that when I do things as a parent she did not to, it is a trigger for her to attack. So I say, "We went __ sports game," or "We had a scout event. Your grandchild won an award. I sent you a photo," She takes in as a jab or insult and needs to cut me down.

I minimize my chatter now. Our relationship is more detached but civil.

Anonymous wrote:I have one of those!

Have you tried:
-Reading the book EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
-Drinking (not saying it helps, but I do it).
-Sending short messages? A text? A postcard?
-During the freeze, maintaining your other familial relationships (siblings, aunts, etc.) so it is clear it is not you staging the embargo? I was relieved to hear from others in my family they always knew she was a handful but didn't want to badmouth my parent.
-Counseling for just you.
-Using the phrase, "I will do what I think needs to be done (send a birthday card) not what she expects or feels she deserves to fix this?". If you didn't set the fire, you can't put it out.
-Making friends with women who are older/maternal (see aunts, book clubs, colleagues)

GOOD LUCK.

My priest used to say there is no chemo for crazy. Hugs.

OP here-thank you!

Anonymous wrote:A question: Obviously, your father must have noticed that your mom is not speaking to you. Is it just business as usual? Does he expect you to apologize? Has anyone ever called her on her childish behavior? I agree it is a form of bullying and it's time for a non-confrontational talk with mom. You are in a tough spot because it is your MOTHER and you are an only (siblings can be good buffers). Would she agree to counseling? If not, go without her and get some help on how to approach.

OP here-yes, my father knows; in fact, he said, "Well, you know how your mother is, she always has to have someone she's not talking to." Honestly, I think he's just glad when it isn't him she's not talking to and he doesn't call her on the behavior because then she'll start not talking to him again. He does expect me to do whatever to smooth it all over and I have done that before because it feels awful to have someone, especially your mother, completely ignore you. The other complicating factor is that my father is very close to my sons and we've had many long-standing traditions, so the whole situation is hurtful for my kids. Fortunately, my kids are old enough to understand why I'm no longer willing to just do whatever to make the peace. I've been in and out of counseling my whole life and will probably go back for help to deal with this. I'm just tired.

I have one of those!

Have you tried:
-Reading the book EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
-Drinking (not saying it helps, but I do it).
-Sending short messages? A text? A postcard?
-During the freeze, maintaining your other familial relationships (siblings, aunts, etc.) so it is clear it is not you staging the embargo? I was relieved to hear from others in my family they always knew she was a handful but didn't want to badmouth my parent.
-Counseling for just you.
-Using the phrase, "I will do what I think needs to be done (send a birthday card) not what she expects or feels she deserves to fix this?". If you didn't set the fire, you can't put it out.
-Making friends with women who are older/maternal (see aunts, book clubs, colleagues)

GOOD LUCK.

My priest used to say there is no chemo for crazy. Hugs.

A question: Obviously, your father must have noticed that your mom is not speaking to you. Is it just business as usual? Does he expect you to apologize? Has anyone ever called her on her childish behavior? I agree it is a form of bullying and it's time for a non-confrontational talk with mom. You are in a tough spot because it is your MOTHER and you are an only (siblings can be good buffers). Would she agree to counseling? If not, go without her and get some help on how to approach.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is trying hard to not say something regrettable. I often resort to not talking if I'm angry but mulling over what I should or shouldn't be commenting on. I have a habit of saying something more harshly than I intend. When given a counter opinion I sometimes think on it for a while especially if I am having a hard time seeing that other pint of view. I've gotten to the point where I tell my husband that my silence is not aimed at him but necessary in order to back off my position. With my DD I only occasionally do this when I feel I have overstepped my boundaries. If I treat her like a child that I expect to obey my commands but then I stop and think wtf she's 20 and should make her own mistakes even if they are on my dime. Sure it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end but it's not always this evil tool to manipulate you.

+1000 My mother employed the silent treatment often--I think it is a strategy used by people who were raised by controlling parents or otherwise were made to feel that voicing their point of view wouldn't matter or would have serious repercussions. My father, not one for confrontation either, would walk around the house angrily puffing on his cigar and making sarcastic remarks. Not the best role models for communication. My DH was raised in the opposite type of household where people always openly commented and talked about whatever bothered them. My silent treatments drove DH crazy and he would not let me get away with them. I have learned over many years that it is better to tell someone that you are upset and will talk about something later, than to not talk at all. You then follow through after you have time to think and phrase it in a kind, constructive way. After all, this is a loved-one you are communicating with, not an enemy.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is trying hard to not say something regrettable. I often resort to not talking if I'm angry but mulling over what I should or shouldn't be commenting on. I have a habit of saying something more harshly than I intend. When given a counter opinion I sometimes think on it for a while especially if I am having a hard time seeing that other pint of view. I've gotten to the point where I tell my husband that my silence is not aimed at him but necessary in order to back off my position. With my DD I only occasionally do this when I feel I have overstepped my boundaries. If I treat her like a child that I expect to obey my commands but then I stop and think wtf she's 20 and should make her own mistakes even if they are on my dime. Sure it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end but it's not always this evil tool to manipulate you.

OP here-I get that sometimes people need some space to think and might not be able to talk right away. In this case, it's been almost six months. And, I'm not in any way on my mother's dime.

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausted and exhausting. Maybe your life and your mother's life are too intertwined. You are too old to be concerned that your mother won't talk to you. Live your life and let her live hers. Just don't put so much thought into what she is doing or expecting. If she ever comes around then set limits. Tell her she can only call on Sunday or something similar. Why are you in a condo with your parents? Why are you watching tv? Make contact rare and
meaningful and you both will have a better time.

We were on vacation at the beach and have vacationed with them for many years (sometimes the ILs and my grandfather have joined us, too), hence the condo. I wasn't watching TV, my mother was in the condo's common area. I happened to come in from being out and saw what she was watching.

Silent treatment is just plain immature for an adult. Sorry you have had to deal with this your whole life.

You sound exhausted and exhausting. Maybe your life and your mother's life are too intertwined. You are too old to be concerned that your mother won't talk to you. Live your life and let her live hers. Just don't put so much thought into what she is doing or expecting. If she ever comes around then set limits. Tell her she can only call on Sunday or something similar. Why are you in a condo with your parents? Why are you watching tv? Make contact rare and
meaningful and you both will have a better time.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Some context would really help us here. Is this a long-standing pattern she's used all her life with you? Or is it a recent tactic? If it's long-term, you might need to see a therapist to help sort through a lifetime of this kind of treatment (which some do see as a type of emotional abuse at some levels; it can be pretty cruel).

But if it's a new thing, is there some chance that she, herself, is changing -- maybe starting signs of dementia? (Unreasonable anger, if that's part of this, can be one possible flag of a mental health change in older people).

But all that's conjecture unless we know a bit more about the context of her and whether this is new or old; specific to one problem between you, or something she does over many things; or a tactic she's using to get her way because you've given in to it in other cases....And so on.

Thanks! It's such an ongoing thing, I was afraid I wouldn't know where to start or stop!

This is a long-standing pattern, since I was a kid (I'm 45 tomorrow). I'm an only child and she was a SAHM, so I was alone with her when she would "turn" on me. She generally has to have someone to be mad at, so she takes turns giving my father, my grandfather, me, etc. the silent treatment, without any provocation. In this latest case, DH, my three sons, and I were on a two week vacation with my parents (we all stay in the same condo) in August when halfway through, she got mad and stopped talking to me. From the spring until August, she wasn't talking to my father (as in, she'd call me to ask if I knew if my father's plans, etc. when he was sitting in the next room from her). Then, on vacation, she was watching "RHONY" and I said that I didn't like Bethenny Frankel and she got mad about that. I didn't ask her to turn it off and I certainly wasn't criticizing her for watching the show and even if I were, the silent treatment seems like a ridiculous response. She hasn't talked to me since then, except for once when we both at my son's basketball game and she asked us to Christmas. Before that, she sent me an email right before Thanksgiving asking us to Thanksgiving dinner and I replied that we'd already made plans with my ILs, but that I loved and missed her and hoped that we could talk about what happened. I also asked that she refrain from giving the silent treatment in the future. She never replied to that email. In September, she was at my home for my son's 12th birthday and she acted like I was invisible.

My father has an unspoken expectation that I will just start talking to my mother just as I always have to smooth things over so she'll come around, but I just am not willing to do that anymore. I'm also really disappointed that my father never put a stop to this when I a little kid and had to be with her alone with her acting like I didn't exist. I don't want to be mad about it, but I am just not willing to subject myself to it. Not to mention that it makes my DH and sons uncomfortable. I've been a good daughter; not perfect, of course, but good. I was the first to graduate from college in my family, DH and I are raising good kids (so far), we are self-sufficient, etc., etc. My mother's behavior, which I see as bullying, has contributed to me feeling like I'm "off balance" most of the time, expecting people not to like or care for me. I've decided that I don't want to feel that way anymore and that I don't have to, but then I don't know how to reconcile my mother and my expectation that I be treated like a worthwhile human being.

Maybe she is trying hard to not say something regrettable. I often resort to not talking if I'm angry but mulling over what I should or shouldn't be commenting on. I have a habit of saying something more harshly than I intend. When given a counter opinion I sometimes think on it for a while especially if I am having a hard time seeing that other pint of view. I've gotten to the point where I tell my husband that my silence is not aimed at him but necessary in order to back off my position. With my DD I only occasionally do this when I feel I have overstepped my boundaries. If I treat her like a child that I expect to obey my commands but then I stop and think wtf she's 20 and should make her own mistakes even if they are on my dime. Sure it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end but it's not always this evil tool to manipulate you.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Some context would really help us here. Is this a long-standing pattern she's used all her life with you? Or is it a recent tactic? If it's long-term, you might need to see a therapist to help sort through a lifetime of this kind of treatment (which some do see as a type of emotional abuse at some levels; it can be pretty cruel).

But if it's a new thing, is there some chance that she, herself, is changing -- maybe starting signs of dementia? (Unreasonable anger, if that's part of this, can be one possible flag of a mental health change in older people).

But all that's conjecture unless we know a bit more about the context of her and whether this is new or old; specific to one problem between you, or something she does over many things; or a tactic she's using to get her way because you've given in to it in other cases....And so on.

Does anyone else have a parent who gives the silent treatment? My mother does this and I'm trying to deal with it.