Would it help it you saw this woman as a mentally ill person with diminished capacity to judge?

DH told me that this is how he survives interactions with my unbalanced and irrational mother!

I would tell him the news, both for the custody plan and new baby, but not label either as good or bad. It's entirely possible that as soon as the baby is born, she'll want him back so that he can babysit, and he needs to decide for himself that it wouldn't be in his best interest.

Just a thought: Is there any way that you could adopt him? If his father is dead, it's only necessary to prove that his mother abandoned him to you. Would she be willing to terminate parental rights, maybe if you couched it in terms of her needing to concentrate on her new life and new family? I know, it would sound weird from you (lots of kids and one more on the way!), but you obviously can handle it, while she can't.

I would not tell him the baby is bad news.

Anonymous wrote:Before you tell him, I think having the custody plan in place would be the way to go. That way, it could be a “good news/bad news” approach.
"The good news is that you will continue to live with us and be part of our family. The bad news is that your mom is going to have a baby.”

I might be wrong - I have never been in a situation remotely close to this, but I think this would help me swallow this disturbing information.

I agree, except I would tell him about the baby as just news. Let him decide how bad it is without your opinion, kwim?

Get on this while she is in the mood to deal with the custody plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. I've seen your posts before. I've got a similar situation (although my nephew isn't living with me), where my sibling is the one being neglectful and verbally abusive to his kid. It just breaks your heart how clueless and uncaring the dumb parents are. Stay strong. Your nephew is really lucky to have you.

It's terrible and i'm sorry to hear about your nephew. I just don't understand how you can decide you don't want your child. Your own child, and act like he has no feelings, and at the same time go off and start another family. I just don't get it.

I don't even know how to tell him.

PP here. Yeah, my brother just told his son that he's picking his fiancée over his son "because he loves her." It's been such a fabulous week. We can't shelter them completely from their horrid parents but we can help give them strength and resilience. Is your nephew in any type of counseling? I know it's hard to make a teen go, but if they' e got a good therapist, it's helpful. Hang in there.

I can only imagine how angry you are. As someone who's mother died when I was a teenager, it breaks my heart that your nephew is essentially losing his mom through her willful abandonment. You're doing a good thing by stepping up and being there for him. I probably sound crazy for saying this, but try to focus with gratitude on the opportunity you've been given to be there for him and make his life better. Without you and your DH, his path in life would likely be very different, not in a good way.

Before you tell him, I think having the custody plan in place would be the way to go. That way, it could be a “good news/bad news” approach.
"The good news is that you will continue to live with us and be part of our family. The bad news is that your mom is going to have a baby.”

I might be wrong - I have never been in a situation remotely close to this, but I think this would help me swallow this disturbing information.

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry, OP. I've seen your posts before. I've got a similar situation (although my nephew isn't living with me), where my sibling is the one being neglectful and verbally abusive to his kid. It just breaks your heart how clueless and uncaring the dumb parents are. Stay strong. Your nephew is really lucky to have you.

It's terrible and i'm sorry to hear about your nephew. I just don't understand how you can decide you don't want your child. Your own child, and act like he has no feelings, and at the same time go off and start another family. I just don't get it.

I don't even know how to tell him.

Sorry, OP. It sounds like you are a great influence for your nephew. Fortunately, you are willing to do what his mother is unwilling to do.

People don’t need a license to become a mother or a father. Sometimes I wish they did.

I'm really sorry, OP. I've seen your posts before. I've got a similar situation (although my nephew isn't living with me), where my sibling is the one being neglectful and verbally abusive to his kid. It just breaks your heart how clueless and uncaring the dumb parents are. Stay strong. Your nephew is really lucky to have you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. As a social worker, I saw this scenario all the time. You are doing a good thing for your nephew. But you aren't going to change his mother, regardless of what you say. I disagree with the PP who says speak up. Nothing good will come of it and there are certainly risks that you may not want to take, like the risk of having her remove her son from your care. Your nephew needs you and it would be a bad idea to jeopardize that.

Also, I can't see anything good coming from trying to force someone who does not want a kid, even their own kid, to care for that kid. More than ten years ago, I had a kid move in with me because his family didn't want him. That kid has grown up to an amazing young man, who holds a job, goes to school and is getting ready to become an adult. I can't imagine what would have become of him if he was forced to stay with people who didn't want him.

I don't know what's wrong with her. Like back when she was married to my BIL before he died and even after he passed she seemed like a decent mother. He's been with us with July and has been wish washy with interracting with him since then. He's a wonderful kid this just breaks my heart.

I'm sorry, OP. As a social worker, I saw this scenario all the time. You are doing a good thing for your nephew. But you aren't going to change his mother, regardless of what you say. I disagree with the PP who says speak up. Nothing good will come of it and there are certainly risks that you may not want to take, like the risk of having her remove her son from your care. Your nephew needs you and it would be a bad idea to jeopardize that.

Also, I can't see anything good coming from trying to force someone who does not want a kid, even their own kid, to care for that kid. More than ten years ago, I had a kid move in with me because his family didn't want him. That kid has grown up to an amazing young man, who holds a job, goes to school and is getting ready to become an adult. I can't imagine what would have become of him if he was forced to stay with people who didn't want him.

Anonymous wrote:Why DON'T you speak up? Your silence is support.

I don't know.

I honestly don't know I've held my tongue so much these last few months with her. I guess maybe I just wanted to get off the phone, and yelling at her and cussing her out probably wouldn't do much other than upset my daughters.

Why DON'T you speak up? Your silence is support.

She's a bitch. I don't like to use words like that, but she is.

She randomly calls today after being MIA for the last 2 months with the news she's pregnant due in July with the little girl she's always wanted. The son she already has she could give fuck all about him. She didn't even bother to senda card or call him for his 16th birthday on Thursday. Not a damn thing. She didn't mention him at all until the end of our conversation and that was only to say she was okay if we told him the news and that she thinks we should talk soon about a custody plan.

The custody plan we've been trying to get taken care of the last couple months that she's been ignoring.
I really wanted to ask her if we should plan now to be looking after her daughter in 15 years time.

I guess her husband just wasn't interested in being a father to another man's kid. I can't with these assholes.

Nephew is out right now spending the day with a couple of friends for his birthday, my husband is away on business again. I've talked to my husband about this, but not my nephew, and I don't think I will at least not until DH is home in a few days.

He's actually been doing more or less ok recently, and I'm afraid this is going to upset that progress.

How someone could be so selfish I will never understand.