Any possibility that you might be more on need of therapy than the relationship? My experience is a 33 year old woman and her extremely controlling narcissistic husband who has convinced her to sever ties with her entire family based on nothing. Therapy sessions include statements to her parents like "You don't make me your priority at all- you make yourselves a priority , you don't come over when we are sick to take care of the baby even though you have a job, you don't follow the 100 rules of my household ( don't go in this room, don't touch the dishes in the sink, don't load the dishwasher like that or put away anything as it can only go in one place like this, don't wear shoes, don't use the toilet after 9 pm, and you like my siblings more than me, you were abusive to me my whole life ( not at all..in any way from what it sounds like), you paid for the entire wedding but now we didn't like this or that, etc. No, I'm not the Mom here, but she is a colleague and frankly, insane. Why doesn't her therapist call her out on her shit because I'm about to...

Any possibility that you might be more on need of therapy than the relationship? My experience is a 33 year old woman and her extremely controlling narcissistic husband who has convinced her to sever ties with her entire family based on nothing. Therapy sessions include statements to her parents like "You don't make me your priority at all- you make yourselves a priority , you don't come over when we are sick to take care of the baby even though you have a job, you don't follow the 100 rules of my household ( don't go in this room, don't touch the dishes in the sink, don't load the dishwasher like that or put away anything as it can only go in one place like this, don't wear shoes, don't use the toilet after 9 pm, and you like my siblings more than me, you were abusive to me my whole life ( not at all..in any way from what it sounds like), you paid for the entire wedding but now we didn't like this or that, etc. No, I'm not the Mom here, but she is a colleague and frankly, insane. Why doesn't her therapist call her out on her shit because I'm about to...

Anonymous wrote:I did once and it was not a good experience.
It only furthered her contention that something was wrong with *me* since I was the one in therapy and I just about lost it when she very nicely said "I'm sorry for anything that I may have done that hurt you" while unable to recall things like, say, how she gave me the silent treatment for an entire week when I was 12 because I went on my court ordered visitation with my own father.

I realized I needed to do work on my own and would never get anywhere with her, which was a good thing but in my situation I wish I never let her in to something so private like my therapy.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing! This sounds so much like my mom -- she will apologize vaguely for stuff but *never* specificly acknowledges what she did wrong and what harm it caused. She is unable to self-reflect. It's nauseating. I'm now convinced therapy with her is a bad idea.

I did once and it was not a good experience.
It only furthered her contention that something was wrong with *me* since I was the one in therapy and I just about lost it when she very nicely said "I'm sorry for anything that I may have done that hurt you" while unable to recall things like, say, how she gave me the silent treatment for an entire week when I was 12 because I went on my court ordered visitation with my own father.

I realized I needed to do work on my own and would never get anywhere with her, which was a good thing but in my situation I wish I never let her in to something so private like my therapy.

I went on my own. My mom is lovely but has issues and thinks she's right in her black and white view of the world. I learned that I can't change her or expect anything, just my reaction. Amazingly I changed some approaches and she's mellowed out a bit. I try hard not to rise to her commentary and let it roll over. Occasionally it works and she gives up.

I did two sessions with my mom in August when she was visiting, and then we did two sessions with mom, dad and me in October by Skype. My mom visited in January, and it was the best visit in years. So I think the therapy really helped. I read that Melissa and Joan Rivers made up after 2 years of therapy, so that gave me inspiration. My mom and I had a good relationship before my son was hospitalized 2 years ago for 4 months.

Thanks, PPs! Yeah, my mom is unreasonable akin to PP's (lol). This is probably a no-go.

Go to therapy on your own and ask the therapist this question after you've had a few sessions and they start to understand your and your parent's issues. And then, of course, the big question is whether the parent would be willing to take part. I suppose at least you'd get your answer that your parent won't change and it's ultimately up to you to learn how to handle things yourself and do your own healing.

I think your time would be better spent in individual therapy for you, to learn how to do whatever it is you need to do for *you*, not for them. It might depend on what you hope to get out of it, as PP noted, but in general, I wouldn't. FWIW, I've been seeing my therapist for a long time, at some points multiple times/week, which helped immensely in being raised in a family with personality disordered parents and sister (who has some Axis I dx going on, too). At one point, early in that process, my sister's therapist wanted to do some full family sessions and I flat-out refused, with my therapists support. I think family therapy is, primarily, for families with young, dependent children. There may be exceptions, but it's not something I'd pursue.

I live across the country from my parents and at one point our relationship had deteriorated so badly that I refused to see them unless they agreed to see a therapist while they were in my city visiting me and my sister.

The therapist pointed out that because we would have such limited time I needed to have specific goals with each parent. My father heard what I was saying and while I can't say things are 100% better there's been definite improvement. With my mother, there were so MANY issues that were each so BIG, that we addressed a tiny one. It was the fact that she'd never let me get off the phone until I lost my shit and screamed, "Mom, I have to GOOOOO!" and to me, the therapist said "Why don't you just hang up? Say "Mom, I've got to go. I love you; we'll talk on Thursday. Bye" and hang up the phone?" And I was like "Fascinating concept!" And to my mother the therapist said, "What will happen if Laura hangs up before you tell her that one last thing that takes 45 minutes? I mean, will you DIE?" To which my mother responded, "Maybe. Yes, maybe I will." And then I was like "Game. Over." And I stopped trying with her, which gave me a lot less stress. And I feel no guilt about it because she's so unreasonable.

My therapist suggested this, so I am guessing it works for some people. In the end I decided not to pursue it because it would mean exposing myself in ways I am not comfortable. Do you think the other party (mom?) would be willing to try it? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sounds like a bone chilling nightmare, but maybe that's just me...

Anonymous wrote:You will probably need to give more info on what you are expecting out of this experience. Resolution? Likely not. A chance to be heard? Probably not. Validation that you are not crazy? Maybe/maybe not -- it depends on if you are crazy. Someone helping you understand the dynamic between the two of you? You can get that other ways -- go to group therapy and then figure out how it applies to you and your mom. This may not be worth pursuing.

I'm just looking for BTDT stories about people who have done this. I guess the answer is... Nope, no one has!

You will probably need to give more info on what you are expecting out of this experience. Resolution? Likely not. A chance to be heard? Probably not. Validation that you are not crazy? Maybe/maybe not -- it depends on if you are crazy. Someone helping you understand the dynamic between the two of you? You can get that other ways -- go to group therapy and then figure out how it applies to you and your mom. This may not be worth pursuing.

Specifically, daughter going to therapy with mother but other child/parent situations interest me, too.