Anonymous wrote:No, but my MIL does. For the first 5+ years of our marriage, she schemed and plotted and planned to manipulate spending every holiday with us and often times was able to exclude my family. Everyone lives locally. I had it out with her at the holiday table in public one year because I was so fed up with her. No problems since. Wish I had told her off much sooner.

+1

You are my hero. I know me it will come down to that, in my family. The ILs push on purpose. I have no problem telling them what's what, I just have to do it in public, so everyone knows the deal. I look forward to it.

It has nothing to do with being married. It's your parents recognizing that your life doesn't revolve around them. You don't have to be married to practice that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to do this. She's said she wants a "family vacation but just her family." she'd even specify, daughters, grandkids, and no husbands. I still laugh at the audacity. it would piss my sister off, but I'd just say no and not go. she never got her way.

OMFG that is ballsy. No son-in-laws invited?!! WTF?

Though thinking about this, it's probably my MIL's dream to have me not come on the family vacation...hmm...

lol NP but my mom is similar. I've always thought it was a good thing she had daughters and not sons. She'd make a horrible MIL. As it is, my sister and I stand up to her just fine, but a son probably wouldn't.

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to do this. She's said she wants a "family vacation but just her family." she'd even specify, daughters, grandkids, and no husbands. I still laugh at the audacity. it would piss my sister off, but I'd just say no and not go. she never got her way.

OMFG that is ballsy. No son-in-laws invited?!! WTF?

Though thinking about this, it's probably my MIL's dream to have me not come on the family vacation...hmm...

My mom used to do this. She's said she wants a "family vacation but just her family." she'd even specify, daughters, grandkids, and no husbands. I still laugh at the audacity. it would piss my sister off, but I'd just say no and not go. she never got her way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away does everyone live from you? How often do you see DH's family compared to yours?

We've seen both sides more or less equally. My in-laws are about an hour closer (by car) and much less demanding in general. My mother unfortunately is a score-keeper and gets red in the face if she feels she's not getting her fair share of something. You can't even compliment someone without her saying i.e. that she takes good care of her hair too. She's always been that way pretty much. Otherwise, my parents are a short plane ride away (2 hours) but with three kids it gets pricey and quite frankly we like the idea of family trips with just us sometimes.

OMG we have the same mothers (and I have a MIL who is like this, too!). It is brutal. The only thing that works for us is to just try to stay lighthearted about everything, not to let things get to us and just do our own thing while being as fair as we can about holidays, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Treat your mother's demands as invitations. "Thanks so much for inviting us and offering to host Christmas again this year. DH & I are still sorting out leave, travel, etc, so we'll get back to you in a month." then change the topic.

If she tries to order you around "What do you mean? Of course you're coming home for Christmas! There's nothing to discuss." reply with something lighthearted - a chuckle and a "yes, mom, I'd love to see you at Christmas too. We'll let you know" and then change the subject again.

She wants to control you and she relies on it being an emotionally taxing experience for you to do your own thing. So don't get emotional about it, don't get into a tiff, just like it light and happy whichever way you go.

This is great advice. Also, limit her information. It sucks, but you just can't tell her when you go see your in-laws etc. Obviously sometimes she'll have to know, but if you can keep it to yourself, do that.

And feel free to remind her you are married! "Well Mom, DH has a family too, so we are trying to keep things balanced". Ignore any protests after that. "Mom, we are doing our best, talk to you soon, bye". Don't listen to the guilt trips and don't let the guilt trips WORK. Bc then she'll just give them more often.

Op ~ If you don't show up that will mean something.

No, but my MIL does. For the first 5+ years of our marriage, she schemed and plotted and planned to manipulate spending every holiday with us and often times was able to exclude my family. Everyone lives locally. I had it out with her at the holiday table in public one year because I was so fed up with her. No problems since. Wish I had told her off much sooner.

Treat your mother's demands as invitations. "Thanks so much for inviting us and offering to host Christmas again this year. DH & I are still sorting out leave, travel, etc, so we'll get back to you in a month." then change the topic.

If she tries to order you around "What do you mean? Of course you're coming home for Christmas! There's nothing to discuss." reply with something lighthearted - a chuckle and a "yes, mom, I'd love to see you at Christmas too. We'll let you know" and then change the subject again.

She wants to control you and she relies on it being an emotionally taxing experience for you to do your own thing. So don't get emotional about it, don't get into a tiff, just like it light and happy whichever way you go.

Anonymous wrote:How far away does everyone live from you? How often do you see DH's family compared to yours?

We've seen both sides more or less equally. My in-laws are about an hour closer (by car) and much less demanding in general. My mother unfortunately is a score-keeper and gets red in the face if she feels she's not getting her fair share of something. You can't even compliment someone without her saying i.e. that she takes good care of her hair too. She's always been that way pretty much. Otherwise, my parents are a short plane ride away (2 hours) but with three kids it gets pricey and quite frankly we like the idea of family trips with just us sometimes.

I think they just have to get used to it. Keep reinforcing nicely that you do not automatically spend every holiday/vacation with them, and that the other side of the family and your own nuclear unit are taken into consideration. It can be done pleasantly, but it takes time to sink in.

My MIL is a tough case--she has spent years trying to dictate what we do, and she is local, so it's worse. She made up this fantasy (and told everyone) that I'm estranged from my family. So until we started really putting our foot down, the in-laws always assumed we'd be at every event and holiday. The rare times we go visit my family, MIL punishes us with weeks of pity party comments about how she's so neglected and alone, mixed with "punishing" us with snubs and refusing to speak to us. I kind of enjoy the relief of those silent treatments, and giggle at her childish snubs. Narcissists find me frustrating.

But yes, your more normal family just needs you to keep reminding them nicely that there's another loving family who you owe equal time to.

You have to set strict boundaries from day one when you're married. We received a lot of anger and pushback when we started doing the every other holiday schedule. But now that we've been married for years and are pregnant, everyone accepts it.

But my parents also say "let me know what you decide." It's unsaid and obvious that I would discuss everything with DH.

How far away does everyone live from you? How often do you see DH's family compared to yours?

It seems like my parents never accepted the fact that I do not take them and their wishes into consideration first when my husband and I make decisions. Two of my siblings (both in their late 20s and not married) even do this, assuming that all holidays will of course involve them because they want to see our kids. Even DH has noticed that when we plan for vacations, my parents seem to think we're automatically going to visit them. My parents never say things like, "let us know what you and DH decide" or "your spent xmas with us last year, so we don't expect it to be with us this year." They just assume I'm going to do their bidding and force their wants on my husband, as if he and his family are insignificant.

FWIW, I think this has always been the culture of my family- my grandmothers pretty much ruled the roost and were the final say on everything. Their husbands would never dare say no to what their wives wanted. It was do what she wanted or else. I guess my mother in particular thinks that dynamic has continued. Anyway, lately, my mother has been turning up the heat in regards to this behavior. I've had to be frank with them but she just doesn't seem to get it.