I just don't care to spend a ton of time and energy on my extended family. Too toxic, too much stress.

Anonymous wrote:Both my brother's family and my husband's sister's family seem to have given up on reciprocal relationships. If we want to see then, we have to travel to them. They have never and at this point (10 years) doesn't look like they will ever travel to us. Anyone else deal with the same dynamic? Will it ever change?

Do you have a fucking telephone? I'll bet you do.

Stop playing this tit for tat game and holding grudges based on who you think should visit who.

It's expensive and time consuming for a lot of people to make visits like that. It doesn't mean they gave up on the relationship.

Call. Email. Skype. Write actual letters.

Op, my brother missed my wedding (hospital w/pneumonia, yikes! so thank goodness he was ok) but then didn't visit where I live for 7 yrs. And then has visited 1 time in the last 22 years. If you asked him he would say we are close. I travel to where he is, but I admit, I also know other people there. Does it bother me? YES!! If I were him I would have made a huge effort to visit as soon after the wedding as he was able (he's had no lingering health problems)

Reach out when you want to. Don't if you don't want to.

It is important to maintain family relationships, but the work of it does not immediately pay off. I hope you will benefit from your commitment.

Anonymous wrote:Op, do they live in "the home town"? OR a "more desirable vacation destination"?

No, neither do.

Op, do they live in "the home town"? OR a "more desirable vacation destination"?

We have the exact same dynamic here. It finally let to a big blow out this year. Nothing has changed but I do feel better that at least they understand my perspective. For the foreseeable future, I am taking a break from making any effort or doing anything that I don't really want to. If they invite me on a vacation somewhere I actually want to go, I'd consider it. But most likely it will be the one place SIL will consider going and somewhere not at all appealing to me, as it always is, so I will pass. DH has taken the kids to see his relatives a few times without me. I'm not saying this is necessarily the best solution, but honestly my life is a lot less stressful now that I've put my foot down.

If nothing else... know that you aren't the only one.

My DH's sister is like this. We used to visit about 4 times a year. She has visited us about 4 times in 10 years - for our wedding, our baby shower, after DC 1 was born and for Christmas two years ago. She did not visit after DC 2 was born. And she always lectures us about how important family is!!!! We visit her because we do want to demonstrate to our children that family IS important.

Have you invited them?

I live in a shithole. I never invite ANYONE over. Twice my brother has been by to drop things off, but other than that, I ALWAYS go to his and his wife's house. And now that they have a baby they would have a hard time packing up all her stuff (no shit, they don't travel light anywhere) for an afternoon.

Anyway, it doesn't have to be balanced. It has to be what works for everyone.

Not your situation, but my sister just can't handle visitors. She is the only person who ever yells at me and she's abusive to her DH as well. After trying a couple of times when the kids were young, I've come to the decision that as much as I'd love my kids to have a relationship with their cousins, I will never spend the $ to go visit her because it's just too stressful. She's better when she's not hosting, so she's welcome to come to visit us, and we occasionally manage to meet somewhere else but I know that she's bothered by the fact that we never visit.

When the kids are a bit older I'll suggest having hers come to visit us during summer vacation or mine going to visit her.

My situation is different because my brother is mentally ill, but lives within 30 minutes of us. But he's unwilling to be a part of our lives. I do everything I can to see his kids, to have his kids hang out with mine and get to know each other.

In your shoes, if money permitted, I would continue to be the one who keeps travelling. When their kids get older, you might offer to fly them to "you" for a visit. I just feel it's important to help foster relationships among cousins so that they can have the opportunity to know them as they age. I only saw my first cousins a couple of times a year as kids, but we are close now. We all have kids and we hang out about 5-6 times a year.

I know it's not fair, but I'd balance my desire to keep family in touch against the imbalance of effort put in.

Anonymous wrote:What are dynamics? Kids, guest rooms, time off work, health, money?

Husband's sisters family doesn't take vacations, ever. No money to, 2 kids

My brother's family takes vacations to time shares but never near us. 3 kids.

We have 2 kids and spend roughly 8 hours in transit and $2K visting each once a year.

What are dynamics? Kids, guest rooms, time off work, health, money?

Both my brother's family and my husband's sister's family seem to have given up on reciprocal relationships. If we want to see then, we have to travel to them. They have never and at this point (10 years) doesn't look like they will ever travel to us. Anyone else deal with the same dynamic? Will it ever change?