It's their problem, and they don't know how to handle it. My mom grew up in Eastern Europe and was instructed to refuse absolutely everything offered to her in someone's home even if she were dying of hunger or thirst, so she's a huge food pusher because she assumes when people say no they're clearly hungry and she pushes.

If they are at your house, keep putting healthy food out for them. When you go out to eat, just keep saying "my plate is full, thank you for thinking of me, how sweet of you! I'll let you know when I want more" and then change subject.

I would make a meal when it's time for a meal. Let them know what's in the house if they're thirsty. Leave the rest up to them. Maybe they don't want you to go to the effort of a meal if you don't feel like it, I don't know.

MIL goes on and on about how little she eats, how careful she has to be because she's diabetic, has heart problems etc. Reality shows otherwise but she likes to talk about it. I just smile, nod and carry on.

Yes, OP, you should continue to offer food when your in-laws visit, but maybe do it differently. My in laws are similar in some ways. Their response to "would you like lunch now" would be "I don't care, whatever you want." You can't get an affirmative out of them for pretty much anything. So I know their preferences from watching what and when they eat at home, and mimic that at our house. They like basic American food, in good quantities, at early hours. So thats what I dish up, and I just serve it. "Lunch is ready! Come to the table!" And then people are welcome to eat or not. But at my house, we eat regular meals at the table, so thats what I serve. If you mother in law eats plenty when it is laid out, she wants to eat. Her saying she isn't hungry is being (she thinks) polite.

My guess is that she is self concious/ashamed about wanting to eat and eating. She is trying to cover her own shame by discounting how much she eats. Try to just not engage in the food talk. Serve good food. Enjoy eating it together. Don't discuss it much.

Sounds like she has an eating disorder. They're surprisingly common among older folks. My mom is kind of like that, lots of weird food rules and definitely preoccupied with food.

Once I started thinking of it as a low-grade eating disorder, it was a lot easier for me to be compassionate and not irritated by it. I just try not to engage and change the subject.

This sounds like my dad and MIL. Both definitely have food issues (along with other issues).

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

Your mom almost solely judging people on how well they eat is every bit as messed up as your MIL's views on food.

You don't need to understand. You don't need to change her views, or alter your behavior. You have your relationship with food, she has hers. Offer her food. Then it's on her to accept or decline. If she presses you, just repeat: "I'm fine, thanks."

Her food issues are not your business, OP.

Did they grow up in food scarcity?

Wow. Op here and thanks for the enlightening responses. The wash post article was a very interesting read.

It honestly never would have occurred to me that "you eat like a bird" would have been meant as a compliment. In my house growing up, and in my circles, it would have been the ultimate insult, as eating well and having a good appetite was seen as a desirable trait. My mom almost solely judges people by how well they eat: if they are not picky and eat well, they are a good person.

I guess then, along the same lines that when they constantly talk about how little they eat, or eat only once a day, they must think they are bragging in a way. But when I hear it, I hear them telling me how poor their eating habits are, and how they describe their eating habits are so far from reality.

It's so annoying though to deal with it constantly. I feel like I'm harassed at meals. Even if I say, don't worry, I can help myself, mil doesn't stop pushing food on me. WAIT. So does that maybe mean that she expects or wants me to push food on her? So when I ask if she's hungry and she says no, am I supposed to keep pushing food on her? So when we host them for meals, does she expect or want me to keep bringing dishes to her like she does to me? I don't push food on people- I offer once and let it go if refused, or I lay out food and let people eat however much they want. There have been times that my mil has stayed at our house all day, like for 7-8 hours, and not eaten anything because she turned down lunch. I'm someone who can't go more than 4hrs without eating.

Ugh so confusing. Help me understand.

First poster above nailed it. I might also add that food is a "universal" topic of discussion, so they may feel safe/comfortable talking with you about it. Like, surely everyone can relate to dieting, in their mind. Telling you you eat like a bird = MIL thinks she's giving you a compliment you'll like to hear, because she likes to hear it.

Accept this as their very real quirk, and try to move on. If/when you have children, make sure to try to protect them from "food noise" as much as you can. Make sure they don't think cookies are "bad," for example, they are just foods we sometimes have and we sometimes don't. You don't want kids to pick up on this complicated relationship to food if you can help it.

I like this article from the Washington Post, which talks basically about the fact that people have no clear perception about what or how much they eat and are totally unreliable reporters of their eating habits.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/01/25/why-we-eat-too-much/?tid=sm_fb

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're being weird because they're weird. Food is complicated for a lot of people. It's something you use to control, it's something that controls you, it's something you use to welcome guests, to feel welcomed as guests, etc. If you judge others by what they eat, you assume others are judging you on what you eat. It can go on and on.

I'd just consider it amusing and remove myself emotionally from it. It's a mystery not meant to be solved.

Best response ever.

+1. (They sound a lot like my parents.)

Anonymous wrote:They're being weird because they're weird. Food is complicated for a lot of people. It's something you use to control, it's something that controls you, it's something you use to welcome guests, to feel welcomed as guests, etc. If you judge others by what they eat, you assume others are judging you on what you eat. It can go on and on.

I'd just consider it amusing and remove myself emotionally from it. It's a mystery not meant to be solved.

Best response ever.

They're being weird because they're weird. Food is complicated for a lot of people. It's something you use to control, it's something that controls you, it's something you use to welcome guests, to feel welcomed as guests, etc. If you judge others by what they eat, you assume others are judging you on what you eat. It can go on and on.

I'd just consider it amusing and remove myself emotionally from it. It's a mystery not meant to be solved.

Ok, petty vent. I want to know if you think this behavior normal or if it's annoying. Or maybe you can shed light on their confusing behavior and comments.

I have inlaws who are just so weird and mysterious when it comes to food and eating. They tell me constantly that they don't eat much, how little they eat. How they only eat once a day. But it seems clear that they eat plenty, and much more than once a day. I honestly don't care what or how much they eat, but it's the fact that they keep bringing it up about how little they eat! Oh and that they never have ice cream in the house except for guests. And whenever we come over they have 5 different varieties of ice cream for us, probably adding up to a couple gallons, along with various desserts.

When they are over at our house, to spend time with the kids, I have no idea what to do about food with them. If I ask them if they are hungry, or want anything for lunch, the answer is always no. Then they tell me they don't eat much, or that they ate a big breakfast and don't need to eat for the rest of the day, that they don't eat lunch. But if I don't ask and just start preparing a lunch or heating up leftovers, they chow down. If I offer them juice, they say they never drink juice because it's too much sugar.

We've vacationed together, and on these trips they eat a ton, especially heavy on desserts. And they keep telling me how they are going on a diet when they get back from vacation. They often talk about various diets they are doing. Mil has diet everything, fat free ice cream (blech!) artificial sweeteners, you name it. When we stay with them, it is constant food and snacking, and they have at least five different desserts out for us after every dinner.

My mil also tells me I eat like a bird. This is so far from the truth, I have a very healthy appetite and I love food, have a wide palate, and while I'm not that big on sweets, I like my red meat. Mil on the other hand has a hundred foods she will not even go near. But she is always telling us how she eats anything and is not picky, and says my FIL and DH are so picky. Meanwhile they eat everything and are adventurous eaters. At a restaurant, she always orders the same thing. She also told me she thinks DH has an ED, which he clearly does not. He has a smaller appetite than I do and eats smaller portions compared to the avg male, but he eats 3 meals every day and eats whatever I prepare. We are both naturally on the thin side (but still in normal weight range) however so I think she's basing her opinion on that fact.

Every meal we eat together, my mil is pushing food on me. At a restaurant, she'll ask me repeatedly if I want some of her meal (usually something bland like grilled chicken) when I have my own meal. We are all helping ourselves to appetizers, and she is constantly hoisting dishes off the table and bringing them to me asking if I want more, meanwhile I've been serving myself, have plenty of food on my plate, and everyone else clearly is doing the same. I find myself saying no thank you, at least a dozen times a meal.

So what gives? Why are they being so weird??!