Let them stay at your place and you guys have fun at a hotel?

Anonymous wrote:Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

I swear I should get a tshirt with this on it. I am always telling people, you don't need to understand it, you need to accept it & deal with it however you want.

Needing to "understand" is a waste of energy.

"I'm sorry but you're not invited to stay with us"

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

We all understand this, PP. But have you been in a situation where you're sleeping on a lumpy couch, sharing one toilet with 6 other people and tripping everybody up with your suitcases because there isn't room?
There comes a point when sleeping in the same house is not feasible anymore.

My inlaws did this to my bil and sil in their super small one bed one bath apartment. They slept on the floor in the living room. They have plenty of money as well. They are just super controlling in the we are family type.

Notice, they have not tried this with me. My family all get hotels. I just don't understand. If we had room fine. Drives me crazy.

Good luck!

I think there's a whole different vibe to staying with family than staying at a hotel and 'visiting' family. Honestly, I would not even want to visit my family if I didn't stay with them and had to stay in a hotel. To me, I might as well go on a real vacation - beaches, touristy things, whatever - if I had to stay in a hotel to visit my family.

There's a more....I don't know what word to use, but you all get up, have breakfast together before getting "done up" to go out and about, get to stay up late in pajamas and catch up and have some drinks (without worrying about driving back to the hotel). It's all the intimate connections that come with sharing a space that goes along with visiting family that you lose by staying at a hotel and making pre-planned visits for each day.

Anonymous wrote:Get on the same page, solidly, with DH first. Maybe some. Middle ground: very short weekend visits, they can stay; anything longer than 2 days, hotel. Every other visit, hotel, something like that.

Then, relay the decision to them. Offer to pay for hotel. Don't over-explain. "This works best for our space limitations and our comfort."

Yes to getting on the same page. But I'd say you need to convince your DH that having SIX people in your small apt is pretty ridiculous. No no and no.

Just stick to "we don't have room to host guests anymore". That is true for as long as you have children. Wash, rinse, repeat. Same deal with the car "we don't have a spare car to lend anymore". No extra details, no reasoning, just facts.

But I think it helps your case if you acknowledge that it's NOT the same staying at a hotel. It's not, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. They can still come park on your couch all day, they just need to sleep/shower and leave their suitcases somewhere else. Offering to pay for it is nice, but also not required.

It will take some adjustment. And if they want to stay with friends 30 miles away, whatever. Don't comment on that. But hopefully after a few visits where you all stick to your guns, they'll get used to the new way of visiting and maybe even find some upsides.

They might not be as well off as you think they are. Or, they might just really be set in their ways.

My ILs would also visit for long stays and would always take SIL's car which was clearly causing her problems (SIL lives near us). SIL finally put her foot down and now IL's rent a car but still won't stay in a hotel. Instead, FIL arranges to scatter his visit among various friends and relatives who live in the area; three days at one house, then three days at the next house, etc. I think it's weird as hell but it's not my problem. We're only on the hook for 3 days at a time.

Get on the same page, solidly, with DH first. Maybe some. Middle ground: very short weekend visits, they can stay; anything longer than 2 days, hotel. Every other visit, hotel, something like that.

Then, relay the decision to them. Offer to pay for hotel. Don't over-explain. "This works best for our space limitations and our comfort."

Honestly my parents and inlaws are like that. They travel extensively and do stay in hotels, but when they visit family, they expect to stay in someone's home. And if they couldn't, they just wouldn't visit. We'd rather have our family visit than not (we like them).

And because we knew that, we've made sure to get a place big enough to have a guest bedroom.

Your husband needs to say: "We feel smothered when there are so many people in our apartment. You really HAVE to get a hotel this time, otherwise you can't come."

Are they stingy across the board?

My DH, who escaped Vietnam as a baby with his family and lived through some very lean times as a child, is psychologically unable to spend money if there is a viable alternative. We spent the first half of last winter without heat because he was repairing it himself instead of paying someone else to do it!

I think this is weird, but I can imagine my ILs doing it too. It would also drive me crazy! It sounds like (i) they just don't like spending money on things like hotels, even though they may be able to afford it, or more likely (ii) they don't really like hotels and like being in a home. Maybe the best option for them is an Airbnb?! Then they can have the comforts of a home, near you, but not in YOUR home where there is no space.

This is partially a vent but I'm also trying to get some outside perspective and insight. FIL and MIlL seem constitutionally opposed to staying in a hotel when they visit. We live in very tight quarters in the city, a 2 BR plus den, and recently welcomed our second child. Before the second child, I would say a reasonable person would not expect to bunk here. But with new baby, it is beyond comprehension how anyone would expect or want to stay with us. Inlaws are well off and affording a hotel is not an issue. Any way, with their first visit since the new baby's arrival, we told them we could not host them, and offered to treat them to a hotel. They refused and to my complete shock, asked friends (fellow 60 somethings) who live about 30 miles from us, to stay with them. It sounds like something someone right out of college would do, not well to do semi retired professionals who spare no expense with buying themselves the latest in fashion, technology and cars. To top it off, they asked to borrow our car for the visit so they didn't have to rent one.
I truly don't get it!
My fear is the next visit, they will try to bunk in with us once we are"settled in" with new baby. DH semi defends their actions, saying they find it cozier and easier to spend time with us when staying here. I see his point to some degree, but it seems a little ridiculous when you're kicking a toddler out of her room or sleeping on our couch. It can't be relaxing for them. And they're not the "down on your knees playing with kids" kind of grandparents, and are not here to "help" in any meaningful way. They generally hang on the couch surfing their iPads. Not hurting anything, but not adding anything, either.

Anyway - just curious to hear what you all think and if this is weird as it seems to me or if you can help me understand their mentality. They do have other children and relatives the visit, and do the same thing when visiting them. We are the only ones with such s blatant lack of space for them, though.