Anonymous wrote:Why are there so many people here who have problems with their SILs? This boggles my mind. I am South Asian. I had an arranged marriage. I get along with all my relatives. I have favorites, but it does not mean that there are some that I hate or resent. I feel that in this country, where people mostly choose their own spouses, why do they make such error in judgements that they can't stand their MILs and SILs etc. 50% of the time they cannot even stand their DH.

I feel that in a situation like mine, where parents find the guy for you to marry, based on outward compatibility (Same race, same region, same religion, same social status, same level of physical attractiveness, same education, same culture) etc. , there are more chances of not really getting along with ILs or DH. But I see that people by and large get along. I am shocked that here there is just such a dislike for the DH's side of the family. It is really hard to comprehend why. Did you not choose your spouse yourself? Did you not meet his family before?

I'll bite. I met DH's family a few times before we married. I did get a strange vibe from them - turns out I was right, unfortunately. They taught me more than they know. Including: if someone seems cold and unwelcoming and insular, they are. Don't waste time (years) trying to do the right thing and trying to be nice - some people don't know what that means; it is their problem, not mine. If people don't have a lot of friends, in spite of growing up where they reside - then it is them that is the problem. If someone is critical and looking for problems, they will find them, even if they have to make them up (and they will!). Some people just are not worth the time.

PP, it does seem that non-arranged marriages should have "less" problems. Some SILs are not accepting of new women in the family, and are (unreasonably) very threatened by it. It is hard to "get along" with people who just don't want to; or people who claim that they think you want to be catered to - when in fact it is really them that want to be catered to. The games and the gas lighting get old, after a while. Don't expect to treat me the awful way you treat DH, and we'll be fine.

Why are there so many people here who have problems with their SILs? This boggles my mind. I am South Asian. I had an arranged marriage. I get along with all my relatives. I have favorites, but it does not mean that there are some that I hate or resent. I feel that in this country, where people mostly choose their own spouses, why do they make such error in judgements that they can't stand their MILs and SILs etc. 50% of the time they cannot even stand their DH.

I feel that in a situation like mine, where parents find the guy for you to marry, based on outward compatibility (Same race, same region, same religion, same social status, same level of physical attractiveness, same education, same culture) etc. , there are more chances of not really getting along with ILs or DH. But I see that people by and large get along. I am shocked that here there is just such a dislike for the DH's side of the family. It is really hard to comprehend why. Did you not choose your spouse yourself? Did you not meet his family before?

Dear SIL,
please stop moaning about how you don't want to live with MIL forever and take care of her. You're 29 and haven't worked a day in your life. You are mooching off MIL. MIL cooks all your meals, does your laundry and gives you spending money. Absolutely nothing prevents you from stopping to be a parasite and moving out.

Anonymous wrote:Dear SIL,

People aren't a "bitch" because they don't do stuff for you anymore. You want people to be nice to you? How about you dish it? Lend a hand? Reach out? But you're a 30-something entitled princess who expects others do do everything to/for you, and not dish it back. Start giving more, instead of expecting to receive more, and maybe you'll get out of your bubble.

Did I write this in my sleep?

Here's a PS: I wanted to have another sister, but your self-absorption in every conversation killed any chance of it. Also the silly baby talk that, coming from a woman in her 40s, makes my toes curl. No, your kids are not the most amazing kids in the universe and obviously more interesting than mine--and I have to bite my tongue to avoid pointing out that the facts on the ground suggest otherwise. Don't you ever see my own daughter digging her fingernails into my arm every time you go off again? Also, stop inviting your family to my house and then refusing to help with the cooking, dishes, or anything else because you're a "guest." Also, it's unreasonable to expect my kids to spend their own vacations babysitting your kids so you can slurp my liquor and spend hours hanging out yourself, so every time you command them to babysit, I secretly pay them.

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I love my SILs. My husbands sister, my husbands' brother's wife and my brother's wife. They are lovely people.

Awesome contribution!

Wow! I love my SILs. My husbands sister, my husbands' brother's wife and my brother's wife. They are lovely people.

I have two SILs and both are bitches. There's no kinder way to describe them. I've reached out to both for years and years, tried to be kind and am always polite, never did anything to be mean to them, but they hate me anyway. I think they are mad I married their brother, or they are taking out their resentment at their brother's success (he's far more successful financially than either of them, but he does not in any way rub it in their faces) on me.

I guess the SIL relationship is fraught. I've given up on both of them. I send them Christmas cards, and that's the extent of our relationship. Sometimes they send Christmas cards back.

Anonymous wrote:Dear SIL,
Please stop being a bitch. I didn't do anything to you, I have lots of Friends and am generally considered nice, generous, fun, and interesting person. I do not want to "steal" your place in the family. I am not interested in inheritance. Please get your head out of your ass.
I don't have to be your best friend, I don't want to be your best friend, but maybe at family gatherings you could be less of a bitch.

Sincerely,
The newest member of the family

Why would she think you want an inheritance? That would go to your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:Dear SIL,
Please stop being a bitch. I didn't do anything to you, I have lots of Friends and am generally considered nice, generous, fun, and interesting person. I do not want to "steal" your place in the family. I am not interested in inheritance. Please get your head out of your ass.
I don't have to be your best friend, I don't want to be your best friend, but maybe at family gatherings you could be less of a bitch.

Sincerely,
The newest member of the family

:BRAVA: OP!

Dear SIL,

People aren't a "bitch" because they don't do stuff for you anymore. You want people to be nice to you? How about you dish it? Lend a hand? Reach out? But you're a 30-something entitled princess who expects others do do everything to/for you, and not dish it back. Start giving more, instead of expecting to receive more, and maybe you'll get out of your bubble.

I think you might be able to have empathy for her if you see her as struggling and under threat rather than simply a bitch. I know it's hard.

I'm sorry op, I had a similar situation at first with my sil. But she's actually calmed down and become much more friendly. I think once she realized I wasn't trying to take her place as queen b, but would also stick up for myself/my family when need be, she stopped being a bitch. I hope it works out better for you too.

I learned from my SIL how not to be. When my brother got married I made it a point to not engender those feelings and to be kind and welcoming. We get along so great! My FH's sister, however, is just unbearable. So rude to me every time I see her.

Thank goodness my older, successful, competitive and jealous SIL just ignores me. She probably thinks I'm not even worth it.

Flying under the radar, that's me

Dear SIL,
Please stop being a bitch. I didn't do anything to you, I have lots of Friends and am generally considered nice, generous, fun, and interesting person. I do not want to "steal" your place in the family. I am not interested in inheritance. Please get your head out of your ass.
I don't have to be your best friend, I don't want to be your best friend, but maybe at family gatherings you could be less of a bitch.

Sincerely,
The newest member of the family