Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 9 years, have a 4 and a 1 year old. Over the summer, he told me he had an affair for 2 years, during which time I was pregnant and birthed #2. The next day, he said he wanted to stay in the marriage and work it out. A week later, he called from work and said, "I love her. I'm not coming home." Later that night, he came back begging forgiveness. I took him back. We went into counseling right away, which led to him alone seeing several top psychologists and psychiatrists for many issues. He was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago. A week ago, he announced he is not bipolar and he is not taking his meds anymore. He quit them cold turkey even though I urged him to wean under the guidance of his psychiatrist. He called his AP last week to "see if she was happy". She said he lost her job, is not seeing anyone and wants him back. He tells me he feels he has to leave our marriage or he'll kill himself. I think this is definitely a manipulation. His AP gave him an STD. Back when he discovered it, he was furious. He is still being treated for it. Now he says he doesn't care. He told me "there's so much I don't understand" about him. I said, like what and he said, like he smokes pot with her. (He had never done a drug before in his life; I did a little pot as a teen.) He was also with AP during a several week period when my younger kid was in the ped ICU and I was at my kid's bedside day and night. He has no shame, no sense of responsibility. He focuses on games and screens a lot, is not present with his kids like he should be. Before the bipolar diagnosis, he could be very cold to me when he was in a bad mood as I walked on eggshells. The meds seemed to be helping, but he had no patience to figure out the right regimen.

We used to have the same values, supposedly. When we got married he said that he had heard something he thought was really true: that divorce is not an option, you stay and work on a marriage even if you love someone else more. We have two kids together, I'm a great mom and I'm just one of those people who's really and sweet and easy. We agreed we'd never divorce, we'd always work it out. Since the summer, I have been working so hard to forgive him and rebuild trust. Sometimes he seemed indifferent, other times he was warm. I thought it was him adjusting to meds. My family is wonderful and they had welcomed him with open arms. Now they say good riddance and want to wrap me and my kids in tons of love and support. They are the best. He says (now) that he won't fight me on anything. I can completely have the kids and he will see them when I say he can. Money will be beyond tight but my wonderful family will help us.

Please don't be mean. I am scared and devastated. Any words of support? Anyone BTDT? Also, does anyone have tips for what to say to my 4 year old who adores their daddy? Thank you.

Aw, hon. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells for years at a time. He can't even make his mind up about what he wants, he's got an STD, he's off his meds, and in general he's a mess. You don't need this loser. You are better off without him.

Go see a lawyer this week and get something written up for your husband to sign about not fighting you on the kids. You can agree differently later if he seems more stable, but for now they need to be with you.

You can get through this. You're strong and true. You'll be better off without a cheater who won't stay on his meds.

Life has many ups and downs. Weather this trough for a bit and wait til you see the upside. No more walking on eggshells. Maybe another chance at love down the line with someone who is a better fit. It's all possible. Just be strong, you can totally do this!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I don't have experience or advice. But I noticed there were several times he left and returned, and I'd encourage you to think about what you would do and say if this relationship with the AP crashed and burned and he came back to you again. It sounds like something that a person this unstable could do.

I would have a hard time ever forgiving someone who cheated while I was pregnant. If you had gotten an STI from him and his side piece while you were pregnant it could have made your baby very sick...or even have been fatal for the baby. He is a mentally ill person who refuses to accept help. You are much better off without him.

I haven't btdt yet, but probably will in the future so all I can offer is empathy and supoort.
It certainly sounds like you and your children are better off. Lean on your family and take care of you too!! It is going to be ok!

Op, you are so much better off without him. I read that and just cringed - he is not worth it, and it sounds like you have done more than your part in trying to work this out. Be strong.

It could be decades before he takes control of his mental illness. You are certainly better off without him.

I'm so sorry OP.

Make sure what you can do legally to ensure you have atleast primary if not full custody and child support as he is not a well man, and when he's is his next phase of bipolar who knows what he'll ask for want.

As for your 4 year old let her know it's okay that she loves her daddy, allow her to feel whatever she feels including sadness and anger.

Don't badmouth him. I think it is okay that you let her know that her dad loves her, but is very sick right now, and is not making good choices, and reassure her of your love and stable presence in her life.

Again I'm very sorry.

Whoa.

A bipolar who will stop taking their meds on a dime isn't a fit parent.

Your number one responsibility now is keeping you children safe and in a stable environment.

Be a neutral party about their dad. He loves them bit is sick and needs to go get better. He shouldn't be able to see them while not taking his medication, especially unsupervised.

Get a lawyer ASAP and get documentation of the last year of behavior.

You have a volatile guy here, you need to focus completely on protecting your children as much as you can.

Read your post pretending it is someone else and then tell us what you would tell someone else.

My mom is much better off after she finally left my dad and met someone else who she is much happier with. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.

You and your children are better off. It honestly sounds like he can't be trusted with kids.

Hugs, op. He's a very broken person, and you can't fix him. I'm sorry you are facing and dealing with this. Big, big hugs.

He was with AP while your child was ill?

He is a pathetic man. Good riddance.

You deserve so much better.

Yes, you are better off. No advice, just hugs. Hang in there.

He's not taking care of himself, he can't be a proper husband or father. You're better off. Personally, the gamin habit alone would be enough for me to tell him good riddance, but he's WAY beyond that.
Protect yourself, consult a lawyer tomorrow! Stay in counseling, surround yourself with supportive, loving people.
HUGS to you and your littles

We have been married for 9 years, have a 4 and a 1 year old. Over the summer, he told me he had an affair for 2 years, during which time I was pregnant and birthed #2. The next day, he said he wanted to stay in the marriage and work it out. A week later, he called from work and said, "I love her. I'm not coming home." Later that night, he came back begging forgiveness. I took him back. We went into counseling right away, which led to him alone seeing several top psychologists and psychiatrists for many issues. He was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago. A week ago, he announced he is not bipolar and he is not taking his meds anymore. He quit them cold turkey even though I urged him to wean under the guidance of his psychiatrist. He called his AP last week to "see if she was happy". She said he lost her job, is not seeing anyone and wants him back. He tells me he feels he has to leave our marriage or he'll kill himself. I think this is definitely a manipulation. His AP gave him an STD. Back when he discovered it, he was furious. He is still being treated for it. Now he says he doesn't care. He told me "there's so much I don't understand" about him. I said, like what and he said, like he smokes pot with her. (He had never done a drug before in his life; I did a little pot as a teen.) He was also with AP during a several week period when my younger kid was in the ped ICU and I was at my kid's bedside day and night. He has no shame, no sense of responsibility. He focuses on games and screens a lot, is not present with his kids like he should be. Before the bipolar diagnosis, he could be very cold to me when he was in a bad mood as I walked on eggshells. The meds seemed to be helping, but he had no patience to figure out the right regimen.

We used to have the same values, supposedly. When we got married he said that he had heard something he thought was really true: that divorce is not an option, you stay and work on a marriage even if you love someone else more. We have two kids together, I'm a great mom and I'm just one of those people who's really and sweet and easy. We agreed we'd never divorce, we'd always work it out. Since the summer, I have been working so hard to forgive him and rebuild trust. Sometimes he seemed indifferent, other times he was warm. I thought it was him adjusting to meds. My family is wonderful and they had welcomed him with open arms. Now they say good riddance and want to wrap me and my kids in tons of love and support. They are the best. He says (now) that he won't fight me on anything. I can completely have the kids and he will see them when I say he can. Money will be beyond tight but my wonderful family will help us.

Please don't be mean. I am scared and devastated. Any words of support? Anyone BTDT? Also, does anyone have tips for what to say to my 4 year old who adores their daddy? Thank you.