If you've already decided it to cut them off from babysitting, what alternative is there? You can give an exhaustive list of rules but can't cover everything. You have to either trust her judgment or at least trust her judgment to deal with things, evidently they got back into the house, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be as horrified if instead of the cleaning lady it was a friend of hers? Having trouble getting over your snobbish disgust with the cleaning lady. Makes me question your judgment.

Oh, this is not it at all. I come from a lower-income family with some family members who are themselves cleaning ladies. The concern is that she doesn't REALLY know this woman; they have a professional relationship.

What do you mean that she doesn't really know her? You said that she's been the cleaning lady for a long time. Do you go out to dinner and vet your babysitters before you go out on date night?

Anonymous wrote:Would you be as horrified if instead of the cleaning lady it was a friend of hers? Having trouble getting over your snobbish disgust with the cleaning lady. Makes me question your judgment.

Oh, this is not it at all. I come from a lower-income family with some family members who are themselves cleaning ladies. The concern is that she doesn't REALLY know this woman; they have a professional relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have people who are willing to watch you kid(s). That's pretty huge. She should have asked you first about the cleaning lady watching your child.
Isn't the cousin's wife her nephew's spouse?

I don't think that this is a big deal. Just ask that they don't leave the kids with anyone else without clearing it with you first.

Your DH should be telling them this, BTW.

"Cousin's wife" is a distant cousin's wife, so not her nephew's wife. That said, they are South Asian, so the family relationship is closer/more important than it would seem by simple blood lines. Which is why I am (trying to) not pass judgment on whether wanting to be at the hospital was normal.

Ah - so how much of this is a cultural thing? You are not South Asian, right?

Most of this is small potatoes. Reinforce not to leave daughter with anyone and the peanut thing.

Do things together as a group until you again feel confident leaving them with your kids. Maybe when they're 5 or 6 and can remind granny they need real food. Don't alienate them in the meantime. Include them. Perhaps leave them with your kids for short times (go out to see a movie while they're at your house for example) and then increase the time frame when it feels appropriate.

Why you left someone like that with your child for 3+ days is beyond me. What you "deserve" for a break must be judged against the childcare you can reasonably find.

If your MIL pressures you for more time with the kids then give in but stay present - so they get lots of time together, but with you nearby.

And why couldn't your spouse take care of your child while you did your weekend away?

Would you be as horrified if instead of the cleaning lady it was a friend of hers? Having trouble getting over your snobbish disgust with the cleaning lady. Makes me question your judgment.

Next time DH takes care of your child or you don't go. that is the way it is for those of us without family that is willing and able.

Anonymous wrote:You have people who are willing to watch you kid(s). That's pretty huge. She should have asked you first about the cleaning lady watching your child.
Isn't the cousin's wife her nephew's spouse?

I don't think that this is a big deal. Just ask that they don't leave the kids with anyone else without clearing it with you first.

Your DH should be telling them this, BTW.

"Cousin's wife" is a distant cousin's wife, so not her nephew's wife. That said, they are South Asian, so the family relationship is closer/more important than it would seem by simple blood lines. Which is why I am (trying to) not pass judgment on whether wanting to be at the hospital was normal.

Anonymous wrote:
"Sorry MIL, I can't trust you to look after my children safely."

At this point, I would be blunt.

Wow, what would "bluntness" accomplish at this point? OP seems to have a decent relationship with these people- why jeopardize that for no reason?

Diplomatically decline, OP. It is possible!

Anonymous wrote:WHere is your spouse in this story?

Specifically, husband was here in DC working that weekend. Generally, he feels the same as me: that they have weird/bad judgment that stresses him out, that their babysitting is a favor to them (not a help for us), but that ultimately the kids will be fine. He is INCAPABLE of having conversations with them about this, or anything else.

You have people who are willing to watch you kid(s). That's pretty huge. She should have asked you first about the cleaning lady watching your child.
Isn't the cousin's wife her nephew's spouse?

I don't think that this is a big deal. Just ask that they don't leave the kids with anyone else without clearing it with you first.

Your DH should be telling them this, BTW.

WHere is your spouse in this story?

"Sorry MIL, I can't trust you to look after my children safely."

At this point, I would be blunt.

My ILs live in New York. In October, I went up to New York for a much-deserved weekend off. Took my 3.5yo daughter and dropped her off at my ILs' house in the New York suburbs, then took the train into Brooklyn to see my college friends. The last day of the trip, I was supposed to come mid-afternoon to pick my daughter up and drive home. MIL was home alone that day and called at 9:00 a.m. to tell me that my husband's cousin's wife had just gone into labor and she was going to the hospital to wait with them. She had called her cleaning lady, who agreed to come to the house and watch my daughter. The cleaning lady was on the way, MIL was on her way out the door. I was pretty upset. I made my MIL cancel the cleaning-lady-as-babysitter plan and wait at her house until I could get there by train. I arrived 1.5 hours later or so, at which point I was polite, but then bundled my daughter up, got in the car, and came home.

MIL has had the same cleaning lady for a long time. I've met her once. Still, I think, unacceptable. (And this is setting aside whether the cousin's wife REALLY wanted husband's distant cousin's mother to be at the hospital while she labored!)

This is the most extreme example that MIL is always making weird error judgments when she watches our daughter: locking them out of our house, setting off our house alarm and not telling us so that the cops show up, not putting DD down to nap all day (this was when she was <1yo), etc. Once, she brought a snack for DD that had peanuts in it even though she knows DD is allergic; she just didn't even think of it. Fortunately, FIL was there that time and caught her. And this is not to mention the little things like failing to comb hair or get daughter dressed, feeding her nothing but snacks all day, etc. After the no-nap incident, we didn't leave DD alone with them until she was around 18mo or so. And we do the no-peanut talk each and every time we see them to make sure it sinks in.

Now ILs are agitating again that I bring daughter up for a weekend with them. Also, I'm pregnant with #2 and they will want weekend trips with both kids eventually.

I'm trying to decide how wary to be and what conversation (if any) to have with the ILs. I think we've addressed the peanut thing so that she gets it. Other than that, I just can't even figure out how to approach the conversation because, well, how do you anticipate and head off these bad judgment calls? Clearly, they have really weird judgment, but (peanut thing aside) ultimately, I don't think my child is any physical danger. And my ILs are good people; I liked them a lot before we had kids. So it doesn't seem to me that cutting them off from babysitting is the right answer. It's just this sense of impending stress that each and every time MIL watches DD, SOMETHING non-inane will go awry.