OP here. Thanks for all the replies. DH is going to see his therapist to help him deal with this. We have been super stressed since they asked for the money back and said some really mean things to us about it. DH and I have had trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I am actually on bed rest because of preterm labor and bleeding. This last interaction has caused so much stress that I have been having contractions and spotting.

DH still feels bad for his mom. Growing up, he and his mom supported each other through his Dad's abuse. His dad constantly berates his mom, including calling her a whore for not being a virgin when they met and having had sex with blacks. His mom feels that she can't leave him because he needs her now that his health has deteriorated. She feels like she owes him because he helped her get out of a physically abusive relationship. We suggested she go to counseling but she always refuses and because my FIL forbids it. I told DH there is no way to help his mom unless she wants to be helped.

Anonymous wrote:This is a super common abusive parent tactic. Give you money, control how you use it, and then use it to guilt and manipulate you.

If I was you I'd tell them "we are going to use the money to invest in DS's future" and then cut them off. But that's just me.... you definitely need to follow your DH's lead since they're his parents. Sorry you're dealing with this

+ 1,000,000
Don't give it back. They will just use it to manipulate you more in the future.

Can you move? They sound awful. If not - answer the phone and the door a lot less

How much money are we talking?

I wouldn't give the money back. I would make use of the block number feature on my phone and never worry about them again.

Give money back and stop interacting with them FOR NOW. Make no decisions/declarations about the future.

You can't make them happy or make them like you. Stop trying.

Put the money in a 529 for your son, and refuse to talk to them ever again. The end.

Anonymous wrote:You have two things they want (money, grandchild) and they have nothing you want. Why give anything to them?

You could give the money back and never see them again. Or you could keep the money and never see them again.

You are holding all the cards. If you want FIL to stop being abusive, do what you did before. Avoid interaction until they change.

+1. I wouldn't give them a damn thing beyond the middle finger salute and would cut them off immediately.

If you for some reason feel the need to repay them, don't give them more than the current value of the "inheritance"/gift. Absolutely do NOT pay them back more than what you currently have invested. No loans taken out, no borrowing from savings, absolutely nothing additional. Also prepare yourself for the fact (not possibility, fact) that paying them back will stop nothing and solve nothing. They will just abuse you in different ways until you cut them off again.

This is a super common abusive parent tactic. Give you money, control how you use it, and then use it to guilt and manipulate you.

If I was you I'd tell them "we are going to use the money to invest in DS's future" and then cut them off. But that's just me.... you definitely need to follow your DH's lead since they're his parents. Sorry you're dealing with this

Those states don't allow you a clean break.

Anonymous wrote:It was a gift. Legally, you don't have to give it back. Ethically, you don't owe them a return and you certainly don't owe them a guarantee on the market's return on an investment (do they take you for an insurance policy?!).

If you want to give it all back as a way to make a clean break, okay, take whatever is easily liquidated and transfer it back. Or liquidate the investments and put it in a 529 for your son so the funds aren't with you, the offending party in ILs' eyes, but are with their grandson, who they hopefully still wish well.

Aside from money, let them know that prior to this episode, you had been enjoying having them in your son's life and you hope that can pick up again when the dynamic becomes more healthy.

Keep the money. We don't know where you live or where the IL's live but where they live when/if incapacitated can determine your [because DH is their son] legal obligation for their support:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/northwesternmutual/2014/02/03/who-will-pay-for-moms-or-dads-nursing-home-bill-filial-support-laws-and-long-term-care/#2715e4857a0b699c6d9c5620

At least this way you'd be spending their money.

It was a gift. Legally, you don't have to give it back. Ethically, you don't owe them a return and you certainly don't owe them a guarantee on the market's return on an investment (do they take you for an insurance policy?!).

If you want to give it all back as a way to make a clean break, okay, take whatever is easily liquidated and transfer it back. Or liquidate the investments and put it in a 529 for your son so the funds aren't with you, the offending party in ILs' eyes, but are with their grandson, who they hopefully still wish well.

Aside from money, let them know that prior to this episode, you had been enjoying having them in your son's life and you hope that can pick up again when the dynamic becomes more healthy.

You have two things they want (money, grandchild) and they have nothing you want. Why give anything to them?

You could give the money back and never see them again. Or you could keep the money and never see them again.

You are holding all the cards. If you want FIL to stop being abusive, do what you did before. Avoid interaction until they change.

I have no idea why you ever accepted money from people from whom you were recently estranged, people who have a lifelong track record of emotional abuse. But it is too late now.
I would not give back not one dime and tell these people to kick rocks. When folks get to the point they feel they can tell you to get out of your own house so they can be alone with your child... well that tells you how toxic and sick they are. I'm a bigggg proponent of family and forgiveness. But some people need to be cared for from afar, and these jokers sound like they fit the bill. No way they would be around my kid.

I know many people will have different opinions about this. Personally, if it were me, I would give the money back that I had left and cut ties. I grew up in a family like this. However, it was one set of my grandparents. They were very controlling and hated my mother. My father finally stood up to them and we saw them once or twice a year for most of my life. When I got older they attempted to pull some stuff with me. They would call mandatory family meetings and I simply would not show up. It pissed them off, but oh well. My sanity is more important than their ridiculous demands.

We have always had a tenuous relationship with ILs because FIL never approved of me and has actively tried to break apart our relationship. FIL has always been emotionally abusive towards both my DH and MIL. For many years, we avoided interacting with ILs and they were fine with that except two years ago, when we had our DS (their only grandchild since DH is an only child). ILs said they really want to re-establish their relationship with us and want to be in DS's life. They promised that they would behave in front of DS. This lasted well for 1.5 years. Then out of the blue, IL offered up a large sum of money stating that they want us to have our inheritance early just like how DH's grandma did so for them. We were very thankful and we accepted the money. They insisted that we invest the money, which we did. However, since accepting the money, they have completely changed their attitudes. FIL became emotionally abusive again, constantly criticizing us. At one point he even said that he would prefer we leave our house so that he does not have to see us but still get to interact with our DS. MIL agreed with FIL (because she is so used to placating him). When we fought back and tried to reduce interactions (i.e. not every Sunday at 8 AM), they got really angry. Now they have asked for all their money back. Well, since the market has gone down, we have lost a bit of it. We offered to give what we have left back, and they got angry that we lost money in the market and we can't give it all back. We told them that we followed their direction and invested it as they asked. What should we do now? Give them back what we have and return the other money later when we save up enough? Just give what we have back now and not worry about the amount we have lost? Or should we take out a loan to give them all the money back? In addition, should we continue to interact with them in the future or just break off contact? DH is leaning towards giving what we have left back and forget about the rest. He also wants to not interact with them in the future. However, I don't know if he is going to regret it in the future. He is really upset and sad about this situation.