Anonymous wrote:Suppose a spouse asks for a divorce. Why would their partner say "no" and fight the action every step of the way and state that divorce is wrong and a vow was taken? There is truth to that but why would a person want to be with someone who is not interested in staying with them?

they don't want to "publicly" admit that they failed or are bad marriage material. they'd rather keep failing and only have you know, which they don't care about anyhow. they do care what their colleagues, family and friends think.

P.S. A male co-worker mentioned this to me once, "Don't tell anyone I'm contacting divorce attorneys. I know how people are when men get divorced, they're the bad guys."

Probably some feel that due to the major investment they've made in a marriage, they are entitled to make the other party live up to their commitment. I probably wouldn't make that choice, but it is not unreasonable upon its face, IMO, given the substantial reliance interest. I've done all sorts of things to support my marriage because I believe it is a permanent commitment, would have acted very differently if I knew my spouse did not feel the same way, and would certainly feel cheated if my spouse wanted to take those benefits and walk off.

I think for some people their ego is at stake. Divorce is NOT a failure, but some people mistakenly see divorce as a failure and can't admit their marriage "failed." My mom once said to one of my uncles "its too bad you couldn't make your marriage work." I thought my uncles response was perfect. "I did make it work, for 15 years!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually a moral/ethical motivation behind fighting to stay married and live up to that vow of "til death do us part".

I'm very very skeptical. I have only ever seen a couple of examples of this, and in each case, a civil divorce proceeded, while the religious one did not. The "moral/ethical" person remained celibate (single) while the partner who wanted out went on along and did whatever they wanted (generally remarried). I think it is a huge chunk of denial (not just a river in Egypt!).

My own mother actually refused to remarry, but it is hardly for religious or "ethical" motives; she is determined to go through life in the victim/wronged role and martyrdom is her mantle. It's much much easier to avoid taking responsibility for the things that went down.

I think it's much more the case that they are heartbroken, sad at the loss, and going to try to do anything they can to stop it, hoping the other person will come around. If you've ever been dumped or experienced unrequited love, you know perfectly well that you'd be emotionally willing to pretty much do anything to get the person who didn't want you to want you. The only trick is fighting the temptation to cave in to that.

Exactly. Got into an argument one time with a couple who believed that you're not really married unless you were married in a church. Told my then-husband and me that we weren't really married because we were married by a judge, not a priest. Therefore, we were simply in a civil union. Never mind that these two were both divorced, through the courts and not through either church, so I proceeded to tell them that they were still married and were adulterers and living in sin with one another. They didn't like that too much.

Anonymous wrote:Usually a moral/ethical motivation behind fighting to stay married and live up to that vow of "til death do us part".

I'm very very skeptical. I have only ever seen a couple of examples of this, and in each case, a civil divorce proceeded, while the religious one did not. The "moral/ethical" person remained celibate (single) while the partner who wanted out went on along and did whatever they wanted (generally remarried). I think it is a huge chunk of denial (not just a river in Egypt!).

My own mother actually refused to remarry, but it is hardly for religious or "ethical" motives; she is determined to go through life in the victim/wronged role and martyrdom is her mantle. It's much much easier to avoid taking responsibility for the things that went down.

I think it's much more the case that they are heartbroken, sad at the loss, and going to try to do anything they can to stop it, hoping the other person will come around. If you've ever been dumped or experienced unrequited love, you know perfectly well that you'd be emotionally willing to pretty much do anything to get the person who didn't want you to want you. The only trick is fighting the temptation to cave in to that.

I have the opposite problem. My husband asked for the divorce, and now he's fighting in it in terms of me going along with it. I refused to want to stay married to someone who didn't want me, and now I'm the bad guy for agreeing to it. Can't win with this guy....

Because they sucked as a spouse and are actually now really going to get the help/therapy to make it work... now that the shit has really hit the fan.

It's difficult to say- I wouldn't want someone who didn't want me. However, I also feel that marriage takes work- if we hadn't done all that we could to salvage it for ourselves and our kids, I would question whether it's the best move. Divorce is expensive, it can be ugly and mess up everyone's life.

Sometimes the partner who wants the divorce really needs
some help and doesn't know what to do. Giving up can seem easier in the moment, but a bad decision down the road. We went through this- my DH has some trouble connecting with people (and given some events in his life, there are good reasons for it).

If my husband wanted to leave me for another woman, don't let the door hit him in the ass. Same if he was abusive. Also, even if a person has problems, you can't compel someone to stay when they really want to go. At some point, we accept that our spouse is entitled to their feelings and decisions even if we think they are making bad choices.

Usually a moral/ethical motivation behind fighting to stay married and live up to that vow of "til death do us part".

Really bad for the kids

Can revenge be a motive? Why make it easy for someone who made your life miserable to get divorced, so they can be with someone else?

Maybe they really love you and think the marriage is saveable. Maybe there are kids involved and they are really stuck on providing a normal family experience for them.

Who knows, without details this is an impossible question to answer

For me personally, it comes down to my faith. Divorce isn't "allowed" except in very narrow circumstances.

Suppose a spouse asks for a divorce. Why would their partner say "no" and fight the action every step of the way and state that divorce is wrong and a vow was taken? There is truth to that but why would a person want to be with someone who is not interested in staying with them?