Hell no I wouldn't visit her. You don't make a fuss about your husband or children going to see her and that's quite enough.

Anonymous wrote:Omg op suck it up. You sound like a brat!

NP here. NONE of MIL's DILs can stand her. We can't all be brats. BIL's wife made him move his family to Florida, just to get away from MIL.
They are much happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see my mil, op. DH does, and takes the kids. She decided she hates me, so that's fine. I get it. I think you're approach is fine. My mil has a personality disorder. She has cut off all her family at various points - I'm one in a long line of people.

Be polite in group settings, and let DH visit when he wants. I think that's appropriate.

+1

This is what we do in my family. After years of dealing with each others crazy parents, we finally said "I'll take care of mine. You take care of yours," and gave the other spouse a break.

I see his family every once in a blue moon. He sees mine more often, but it's his choice. He doesn't have to.

It sounds like he is a better person than you.

Anonymous wrote:I don't see my mil, op. DH does, and takes the kids. She decided she hates me, so that's fine. I get it. I think you're approach is fine. My mil has a personality disorder. She has cut off all her family at various points - I'm one in a long line of people.

Be polite in group settings, and let DH visit when he wants. I think that's appropriate.

+1

This is what we do in my family. After years of dealing with each others crazy parents, we finally said "I'll take care of mine. You take care of yours," and gave the other spouse a break.

I see his family every once in a blue moon. He sees mine more often, but it's his choice. He doesn't have to.

Anonymous wrote:She is the type of woman who is quite primitive, in that if she is in the presence of a kind person - it motivates her, she will see it as an opportunity to attack that person. I simply grew tired of it, after years and years; and I fully encourage DH to see MIL by himself. If he feels he has to bring DC to see her, that is fine. I think they should know their grandmother, and form their own opinion.

I totally get that there are people like this. When they view someone as "weak" they attack that person. She views kind as weak.

In this situation, with your DH and his issues and MIL's issues, you are not going to win by standing up for yourself, so I would suggest, kill her with kindness and limit your visits like pp suggested, to every third or so. View it as being there for your husband.

I'm hoping your husband wakes up to the way he is treated, but pushing his in that direction won't work.

Anonymous wrote:Omg op suck it up. You sound like a brat!

MIL is this you?

Anonymous wrote:I don't see my mil, op. DH does, and takes the kids. She decided she hates me, so that's fine. I get it. I think you're approach is fine. My mil has a personality disorder. She has cut off all her family at various points - I'm one in a long line of people.

Be polite in group settings, and let DH visit when he wants. I think that's appropriate.

OP here. Thank you, PP. This sounds like MIL. MIL happens to not have any friends, in spite of spending 70+years here. Same is true of the IL family (50 years), sadly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH wants me to "make nice" with his abhorrently nasty mother. My MIL has never liked me, and never will (she hates herself, frankly); I am fine with it. I never did anything to her. She has said some really nasty things to me, out of no where (she is not crazy, per se, but she is depressed - I am not qualified to treat her, of course). I feel I should not be made to be subjected to her venom.

She is the type of woman who is quite primitive, in that if she is in the presence of a kind person - it motivates her, she will see it as an opportunity to attack that person. I simply grew tired of it, after years and years; and I fully encourage DH to see MIL by himself. If he feels he has to bring DC to see her, that is fine. I think they should know their grandmother, and form their own opinion.

Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Meanwhile, my family is over-the-top welcoming to DH, rightfully so. I just don't see the point in putting myself in MIL's line of fire?

You were fine up until this point. If he goes to visit your family, you should do the same for him. You may think visiting your family is great, but it most likely is not great for your husband.

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I should elaborate, my family is on a different continent - we maybe see them once a year, if we are lucky. DH's family is local, and makes no effort. They have grown children and are very self involved. Not sure this is everything you need to know.

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he wants you to make nice?

Does he want you to be polite in her presence and not incite fights? Does he want you to keep the peace and try to ignore her as much as you can? Does he want you to try not to spin up ambiguous comments into major hassles and read something paranoid into what she's saying? Does he want you to spend a couple of hours on major holidays so she can see grandkids and have a family day? Does he want you to, essentially, be a grown up so he can have a relationship with his own mother? Then yes, you should make nice.

Does he want you to grovel and give in when she has a complaint every time and service her needs and be the butt of her jokes and not stand up to her when she makes open and obvious nasty remarks? To spend extended visits with her and leave you one on one with her? Then no, you don't need to make nice.

Which is it, OP?

This option. To say MIL is not a nice person, as my DC would phrase it, would be an understatement. In fact, the entire family was abusive to DH. They use him and say "but we're family" when they want something - and in pure victim fashion, he tries to appease them and never, ever will. But they know DH will try, to their advantage. This dynamic is foreign to me, as I come from a large, warm family who shows that they care for each other by their actions (we don't just talk about it, as DH's family does).

DC are no more interested in seeing MIL than I, but I try to speak well of her, in spite of hoe MIL treats DH and I. Friends have told me MIL is jealous, but I have not thought much about that, to be honest.

Anonymous wrote:DH wants me to "make nice" with his abhorrently nasty mother. My MIL has never liked me, and never will (she hates herself, frankly); I am fine with it. I never did anything to her. She has said some really nasty things to me, out of no where (she is not crazy, per se, but she is depressed - I am not qualified to treat her, of course). I feel I should not be made to be subjected to her venom.

She is the type of woman who is quite primitive, in that if she is in the presence of a kind person - it motivates her, she will see it as an opportunity to attack that person. I simply grew tired of it, after years and years; and I fully encourage DH to see MIL by himself. If he feels he has to bring DC to see her, that is fine. I think they should know their grandmother, and form their own opinion.

Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Meanwhile, my family is over-the-top welcoming to DH, rightfully so. I just don't see the point in putting myself in MIL's line of fire?

You were fine up until this point. If he goes to visit your family, you should do the same for him. You may think visiting your family is great, but it most likely is not great for your husband.

I don't see my mil, op. DH does, and takes the kids. She decided she hates me, so that's fine. I get it. I think you're approach is fine. My mil has a personality disorder. She has cut off all her family at various points - I'm one in a long line of people.

Be polite in group settings, and let DH visit when he wants. I think that's appropriate.

Omg op suck it up. You sound like a brat!

What do you mean when you say he wants you to make nice?

Does he want you to be polite in her presence and not incite fights? Does he want you to keep the peace and try to ignore her as much as you can? Does he want you to try not to spin up ambiguous comments into major hassles and read something paranoid into what she's saying? Does he want you to spend a couple of hours on major holidays so she can see grandkids and have a family day? Does he want you to, essentially, be a grown up so he can have a relationship with his own mother? Then yes, you should make nice.

Does he want you to grovel and give in when she has a complaint every time and service her needs and be the butt of her jokes and not stand up to her when she makes open and obvious nasty remarks? To spend extended visits with her and leave you one on one with her? Then no, you don't need to make nice.

Which is it, OP?

I'd view it less as seeing her and more as keeping your husband company while he sees her. Maybe go every third time or something.

DH wants me to "make nice" with his abhorrently nasty mother. My MIL has never liked me, and never will (she hates herself, frankly); I am fine with it. I never did anything to her. She has said some really nasty things to me, out of no where (she is not crazy, per se, but she is depressed - I am not qualified to treat her, of course). I feel I should not be made to be subjected to her venom.

She is the type of woman who is quite primitive, in that if she is in the presence of a kind person - it motivates her, she will see it as an opportunity to attack that person. I simply grew tired of it, after years and years; and I fully encourage DH to see MIL by himself. If he feels he has to bring DC to see her, that is fine. I think they should know their grandmother, and form their own opinion.

Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Meanwhile, my family is over-the-top welcoming to DH, rightfully so. I just don't see the point in putting myself in MIL's line of fire?