Anonymous wrote:This is the OP- I'm sorry I guess I shouldn't have bothered posting this at all. In answer to the question asked... In the 2 years since I have had this experience, I have tried everything from limited contact, to barely speaking when I see her, to going out of my way, to swallowing my pride and eating shit whenever I see her, I've tried talking calmly to her. That was the only instance in which I actually reacted in front of her. Most often it ends with me in tears privately. I can't control her and I don't want to - I've tried to explain how her behavior is effecting me/us and she doesn't care. Her need for attention (negative or positive) trumps all.

As PPs have said, you have a boyfriend problem, not a 'boyfriend's mother problem'. This is a dealbreaker.

Mistake 1: Never ask a married person to keep a secret from their spouse.
Mistake 2: perfume hides nothing. Even 1 cigarette is revolting to use your word and people can smell it even under whatever faux fragrance you use to camouflage.
Mistake 3: swearing at the family dinner. You took the low road.
Mistake 4: not insisting that J continue his relationship with her/them without your participation. Be done with them.

Trolololo

Get out now. Move away. You're too young for this BS.

If you marry him you've got 20-40 more years with his parents. Imagine the issues that will arise once you have kids.

I ended an engagement because I honestly could not be part of his family. I ended up marrying a man who's parents I love (they're divorced and I adore his step parents as well), I voluntarily hang out with his brother and sister in law, and our families can spend holidays together without issue.

Why is this even a question? Life is too short for this shit. There's plenty of fish in the sea, my dear.

Honestly, in your young twenties, this should be a deal breaker. You don't have an in-aw problem, as another person said, you have a boyfriend problem.

This will only get worse, especially if your boyfriend is already caving to her demands.

Break it off. Either your boyfriend will mature and develop his own identity separate from his family of origin, or he won't. If he does manage to mature his relationship, you might get back together.

I know it is hard - but this is likely NEVER going to "get better." She will not change. All that can change is you and your boyfriend. And if boyfriend isn't willing to separate (for some good reasons - his young age, father's ill health), you have no recourse.

Simple solution - grow up!

This type of family dynamic is a deal-breaker, at least I think it would be for most women. There is a woman out there who can deal with your boyfriend's mother, OP, and it's not you. He LIVES with her, so it's not like she's not a big part of his life. Come on, OP. Unless you want to be miserable (and pps are suggesting that you too feed off the drama), break it off and move on.

This is the OP- I'm sorry I guess I shouldn't have bothered posting this at all. In answer to the question asked... In the 2 years since I have had this experience, I have tried everything from limited contact, to barely speaking when I see her, to going out of my way, to swallowing my pride and eating shit whenever I see her, I've tried talking calmly to her. That was the only instance in which I actually reacted in front of her. Most often it ends with me in tears privately. I can't control her and I don't want to - I've tried to explain how her behavior is effecting me/us and she doesn't care. Her need for attention (negative or positive) trumps all.

I don't blame you for cursing at her, she had it comkmg. But this was 2 years ago, have you all continued to have explosive blow ups since then? At some point you have to change your approach and behavior because you can't control her.

Sci Fi or Chick Lit?

You don't have an IL problem. You have a BF problem. You also lack the maturity needed for a successful long term relationship. You need to learn how to manage your own emotions and reactivity, stop contributing to drama and learn how to establish/maintain appropriate boundaries. Y

I'm in my early 20s and have been in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for three years. We've had plans to get married, move in with each other, etc. In my case, my current life situation is preventing me from moving out of my parents' house until I become financially independent. In his case, he's full of excuses about leaving his parents, most poignant of which is his assumed responsibility to care for his ill father.

A little background: his mother has been depressed, suicidal, narcissistic & miserable since before I met her. His father had bells palsy when I met them, and became very ill with spinal issues & numbness in his leg within the last 2 years and has been reduced to using a walker somewhat successfully. My boyfriend (J) feels responsible for his father because his mother's acute self-centered attitude prevents her from being a successful caregiver.

The issues I have started 2 years ago. J's father attempted to assist me in my job search by getting me an interview at his company (somewhat against my will). They wanted to hire me & required a drug test. I smoked pot a few weeks before and it did not go well. J told his father, thinking he could trust him & give him forewarning in the event that this reflected back on him being that he had recommended me for the position. J explicitly told his father not to repeat this information to anybody. J and I proceeded to go to his grandparents' house for a holiday dinner where his extended family would also be present. I had smoked a cigarette before we got there and spritzed myself with 1 pump of body spray. J's mother smokes more than a pack a day, so I figured that they would barely notice the smell on me being that her odor was both overpowering and revolting. Unbeknownst to me, she had an aversion to "smells" (except her cigarettes) and became incensed that I had dared to spray myself with anything, claiming I had done it maliciously to teach her a lesson. She caused a scene and left the dinner table to sit in the attached kitchen. While sitting there, with more venom than a cobra could muster up, she hissed at me "Maybe I should tell them why you didn't get that job." I asked, "Excuse me?" And she claimed I had heard what she said and knew what she was talking about.

She proceeded to leave the house to go smoke one more of her beloved cigarettes while I proceeded to hide in the bathroom. J came and found me, at which point I told him I wanted to leave. We went outside, where I had to tell him to do something and stick up for me, near tears, and he began to fight back verbally against her. She sat there and whined that it was my fault for maliciously putting on perfume and ruining the holiday for her. As she walked away from him, while he was speaking, I shouted for her to "enjoy her effing dinner." The events that followed were humiliating on levels I didn't know existed. She proceeded to go back inside of her parents' house and inform her entire family that I failed a drug test and that I called her a "fu***** bi***". When we called J's father in the hospital and asked him why he repeated information he was explicitly asked to keep to himself, he claimed that he "tells his wife everything." This is coming off of months of purchasing Rolex watches & a brand new Macbook Air without informing his wife, secrets I was asked to keep. J and his father demanded that his mother call me to apologize for what she did.

She called me, and proceeded to insult me, insult my family and spew horrendous venom at me for 20 minutes until I hung up on her. It took two weeks for her to actually "sincerely" apologize to me for what she did. Almost two years later, I have had to endure her reign of terror in various forms for no reason. I have gone out of my way to help her, do for her, please her. Nothing works. I've talked, she's lied. I've pleaded, she's lied. She will throw temper tantrums when J stands up for me or himself and his father will enable & defend her to the point of idiocy.

Being that we are not married, it seems like an easy out. Except, that J and I desperately want to be together and make things work. Right now it is looking impossible after the last breach of my trust and lack of boundary into my personal life. I don't know what to do anymore and this forum seemed like a somewhat appropriate place to write about it. If anyone has experience with narcissists, please help me save my life and my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.