Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:15     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.


This, but also women in the United States work outside the home and are often happy to do so. Have you noticed that the burden for caring for extended family in these "family centric" cultures falls exclusively to women? Women care for their own children as well as their MIL and FIL, and probably their own parents as well. That's a burden not shared by men, and one that I think many women would be happy to cast off if they were able to.


Sure. Women are the primary caregivers usually in traditional south asian families. Even still, when my SIL had a baby my MIL and sisters helped her out in ways I can't fathom American families would. It takes a village to raise a child.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:13     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't true. I am South Asian, as is my spouse. Growing up, I remember where we did not interact with 2 cousins because my dad (and his brother) were in a fight. I think it went on for two years. My own spouse and his siblings hate his entire dad's side of the family because of how they supposedly mistreated his mom growing up. They don't interact except at weddings or funerals. We don't even know those cousins' kids' ages/names. We found out one of the cousins got divorced 3 years after the fact, and he lives in our state.

In my experience South Asian families stick through, even when they can't stand each other. The hatred/dislike that most Indian DILs have for their MILs is almost pathological. The interference that most indian families have in each others' lives leads to a lot of simmering resentments. And this isn't even accounting for 'mixed-marriages', which can bring on a whole new level of drama.

You must live in some sort of dream-bubble, because in the indian community I'm a part of, there's LOTS of dysfunction - and its happening both in India and here.


Of course there is family drama and dysfunction. But it doesn't mean we don't love each other and would do anything for each other. family comes first. I'm not best friends with my MIL but when she visits I go out of my way to accommodate her and her quirks because she is my dh's mother and elderly.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:13     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.


This, but also women in the United States work outside the home and are often happy to do so. Have you noticed that the burden for caring for extended family in these "family centric" cultures falls exclusively to women? Women care for their own children as well as their MIL and FIL, and probably their own parents as well. That's a burden not shared by men, and one that I think many women would be happy to cast off if they were able to.


A good point. This model of family relies on female labor, and when given the choice, not all women would choose to take on the burden of caring for the entire family.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:12     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't true. I am South Asian, as is my spouse. Growing up, I remember where we did not interact with 2 cousins because my dad (and his brother) were in a fight. I think it went on for two years. My own spouse and his siblings hate his entire dad's side of the family because of how they supposedly mistreated his mom growing up. They don't interact except at weddings or funerals. We don't even know those cousins' kids' ages/names. We found out one of the cousins got divorced 3 years after the fact, and he lives in our state.

In my experience South Asian families stick through, even when they can't stand each other. The hatred/dislike that most Indian DILs have for their MILs is almost pathological. The interference that most indian families have in each others' lives leads to a lot of simmering resentments. And this isn't even accounting for 'mixed-marriages', which can bring on a whole new level of drama.

You must live in some sort of dream-bubble, because in the indian community I'm a part of, there's LOTS of dysfunction - and its happening both in India and here.


+1

There's plenty of family conflict and dysfunction in South Asian families, as well. And there are lots of "Western" families that are close-knit and supportive.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:09     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
This isn't true. I am South Asian, as is my spouse. Growing up, I remember where we did not interact with 2 cousins because my dad (and his brother) were in a fight. I think it went on for two years. My own spouse and his siblings hate his entire dad's side of the family because of how they supposedly mistreated his mom growing up. They don't interact except at weddings or funerals. We don't even know those cousins' kids' ages/names. We found out one of the cousins got divorced 3 years after the fact, and he lives in our state.

In my experience South Asian families stick through, even when they can't stand each other. The hatred/dislike that most Indian DILs have for their MILs is almost pathological. The interference that most indian families have in each others' lives leads to a lot of simmering resentments. And this isn't even accounting for 'mixed-marriages', which can bring on a whole new level of drama.

You must live in some sort of dream-bubble, because in the indian community I'm a part of, there's LOTS of dysfunction - and its happening both in India and here.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:09     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:Interesting question, and one I've wondered about, too. It goes alongside the differences in the amount of respect given to elders. In western cultures, that is not seen as much. I guess it's just traditional expectations. Here, you are pushed to go out and make it by yourself. In lots of non-western countries, family connections play too much of a role, particularly in employment opportunities, IMO (i.e. nepotism). In societies like that, if you are not from the right family, life is not nearly as good. So I wonder if democracy leads to weaker family ties?


There was a very interesting Gilmore Girls episode dealing with this actually. Richard's mother was about to give Rory her trust fund and Emily was scared that once Lorelai was no longer financially dependent on her to pay for Rory's tuition, she would not see Loerelai or Rory again.

I think in the East its a family oriented society. Your father usually gets you your first job and your mother arranges your marriage. Your parents sell all their land to ensure you go to school abroad. In return, you can't help but want to take care of them. In America, kids are independent at 16. They earn their own money and don't owe a lot to their parents emotionally or financially. Parents don't nearly sacrifice as much for their kids either. I always found it funny that some of my American friends have their adult children pay them rent if they are living at home.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:06     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.


This, but also women in the United States work outside the home and are often happy to do so. Have you noticed that the burden for caring for extended family in these "family centric" cultures falls exclusively to women? Women care for their own children as well as their MIL and FIL, and probably their own parents as well. That's a burden not shared by men, and one that I think many women would be happy to cast off if they were able to.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:02     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?


Not always -- the Italians and Southern Europeans have plenty of Mammonies (mama's boys, who stay home for ever)

US culture is much more focused on "Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" than on "Tradition and the pursuit of Big Families"
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 12:00     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Interesting question, and one I've wondered about, too. It goes alongside the differences in the amount of respect given to elders. In western cultures, that is not seen as much. I guess it's just traditional expectations. Here, you are pushed to go out and make it by yourself. In lots of non-western countries, family connections play too much of a role, particularly in employment opportunities, IMO (i.e. nepotism). In societies like that, if you are not from the right family, life is not nearly as good. So I wonder if democracy leads to weaker family ties?
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:56     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
DH and I LOVE our families. But in no way, shape or form could they ever live with us. I'm so grateful that they're independent and they're grateful we are too.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:55     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:53     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Interesting. My in laws are takers and only want the great moments with the grand children. No help whatsoever. My own parents preached family only as long as it served their needs. My siblings all went their own ways. I think there is a huge lack of sacrifice that can bring an abundance of joy. As a parent I sacrifice and my kids have become my biggest joy.
That said, I would have given anything for my grand parents who grew up in the Great Depression. They were just different people I guess. All for one, one for all type.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:53     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Well bless your heart.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:50     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 11:44     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?