I realized that thinking about my abusive family was taking up a lot of my time, emotional energy and money. Talking about my abusive parents in therapy was expensive. they trained me so well to overlook them that even the therapist took awhile to understand how I was STILL covering for them. Finally the therapist said the best thing "...never talk about your family to others -- it just makes you look bad. They are bad, but describing what they do is just unbelievable (although true)"

I began to turn away after that day. I did not have a fight with them -- to much energy -- I just faded away. When they did not have me to beat up on and abuse, their interest also faded. The truth of them came out gradually to me. I have a big family so other family members have a different relationship. They think that the parents were OK. I want to say ... but if they are so OK, why are you in an abusive relationship yourself and an alcoholic?

Once in awhile I mourn that I do not have a loving parents. but that is a fact. I do not miss them in reality -- who they are really. I miss the false version of them that I made up as a child. I have sheltered my children from them. They are not trustworthy around my children. It hurts to not have grandparents -- but not as much as the very mean things they do/ did. It is really sad how it goes down through the generations. I try very hard not to be the parents that mine were. It is a daily struggle not to fall into those abuse traps and be mean to my own as they were mean to me. Habits.

Anonymous wrote:To 9:02 -- my bro and I used to argue about what our family knew or should do. I said they didn't know. He said they knew and didn't give a shit. It made him very bitter.

I used to cling to this idea that I could earn people's help by being brave and self-sacrificing and not putting my grandparents through the pain of hearing bad things about their kids. But in truth I kind of believed my brother was right, deep down.

Once I spoke to my uncle as an adult I learned no one had a clue. It seems my mother used to brag about us as god 's gift and pretty explicitly claim we were "better" than the cousins, so everyone assumed we were spoiled and idolized. They never knew what was going on at home.

FWIW I'm a teacher now and I try my best to see the signs.

GOOD FOR YOU!

To 9:02 -- my bro and I used to argue about what our family knew or should do. I said they didn't know. He said they knew and didn't give a shit. It made him very bitter.

I used to cling to this idea that I could earn people's help by being brave and self-sacrificing and not putting my grandparents through the pain of hearing bad things about their kids. But in truth I kind of believed my brother was right, deep down.

Once I spoke to my uncle as an adult I learned no one had a clue. It seems my mother used to brag about us as god 's gift and pretty explicitly claim we were "better" than the cousins, so everyone assumed we were spoiled and idolized. They never knew what was going on at home.

FWIW I'm a teacher now and I try my best to see the signs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8:28 here. There was also physical abuse but I can honestly say as someone who survived both that emotional was worse. There were times when I'd actually ask them to hit me and get it overwith rather than continue a verbal rage fit. It was generally a relief when they complied because at least after that you can go to sleep and be alone. I still treasure my alone time more than anything.

I understand this so well. I grew up in a physically abusive home and thought that was bad, but my husband is an emotional abuser and I have found myself wishing he would just hit me instead. It would be less painful and easier to prove.

PP here. I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you to find your way toward the life you deserve. I hope you have someone you can trust in your life.

Anonymous wrote:8:28 here. There was also physical abuse but I can honestly say as someone who survived both that emotional was worse. There were times when I'd actually ask them to hit me and get it overwith rather than continue a verbal rage fit. It was generally a relief when they complied because at least after that you can go to sleep and be alone. I still treasure my alone time more than anything.

I understand this so well. I grew up in a physically abusive home and thought that was bad, but my husband is an emotional abuser and I have found myself wishing he would just hit me instead. It would be less painful and easier to prove.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Whoa.
What did he/they do? I'm sure you did not take such action lightly, so it must have been something really awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Whoa.
What did he/they do? I'm sure you did not take such action lightly, so it must have been something really awful.

How much time have you got?

Suffice it to say I managed to maintain a relationship in spite of their lifelong emotional abuse because I wanted my child to have grandparents and because after growing up in such a terrible household I actually didn't understand just how far from acceptable their behavior had been.

After years of therapy I had a perspective on that, and most people were encouraging me to cut them out entirely before they struck again.

Unfortunately I did not. Instead I asked my beautiful husband to help enforce boundaries with them. They went after him in a big way and the lengths to which they went to wage war on both of us were truly astonishing -- even for someone who thought she knew what they were capable of.

I don't like being a de facto orphan but the healthy and normal alternative was never on the table for me. I'm just thankful we managed to get out.

My brother was not so lucky. Their abuse broke him completely and he has nothing-- not even the capacity to accept any kind of help and stop being the abused child he still is (in his late 40s). That was a tougher goodbye but I've been advised that saving him is as unlikely as bringing a corpse back from the dead.

Were other family members aware of this horrible emotional abuse and did they ever try to intervene???

Anonymous wrote:8:28 here. There was also physical abuse but I can honestly say as someone who survived both that emotional was worse. There were times when I'd actually ask them to hit me and get it overwith rather than continue a verbal rage fit. It was generally a relief when they complied because at least after that you can go to sleep and be alone. I still treasure my alone time more than anything.

NP, I'm sooooo sorry to hear this, but am glad that you have found peace and a safe and happy place in life. I will pray for your brother.

8:28 here. There was also physical abuse but I can honestly say as someone who survived both that emotional was worse. There were times when I'd actually ask them to hit me and get it overwith rather than continue a verbal rage fit. It was generally a relief when they complied because at least after that you can go to sleep and be alone. I still treasure my alone time more than anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Whoa.
What did he/they do? I'm sure you did not take such action lightly, so it must have been something really awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Whoa.
What did he/they do? I'm sure you did not take such action lightly, so it must have been something really awful.

How much time have you got?

Suffice it to say I managed to maintain a relationship in spite of their lifelong emotional abuse because I wanted my child to have grandparents and because after growing up in such a terrible household I actually didn't understand just how far from acceptable their behavior had been.

After years of therapy I had a perspective on that, and most people were encouraging me to cut them out entirely before they struck again.

Unfortunately I did not. Instead I asked my beautiful husband to help enforce boundaries with them. They went after him in a big way and the lengths to which they went to wage war on both of us were truly astonishing -- even for someone who thought she knew what they were capable of.

I don't like being a de facto orphan but the healthy and normal alternative was never on the table for me. I'm just thankful we managed to get out.

My brother was not so lucky. Their abuse broke him completely and he has nothing-- not even the capacity to accept any kind of help and stop being the abused child he still is (in his late 40s). That was a tougher goodbye but I've been advised that saving him is as unlikely as bringing a corpse back from the dead.

I let things peter to a trickle.. I tell them nothing personal. It's all very surface. I see them about once a year when they come to my area from across the country. I don't go to visit them.

Changed my phone number and never called again. I only have my dad living.

Anonymous wrote:I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Whoa.
What did he/they do? I'm sure you did not take such action lightly, so it must have been something really awful.

I told them I was done with them, told them they'd better have long-term care insurance and explicit funeral instructions for their executor, and that they should leave everything to my brother.

I let my uncle, with whom I remain close, know what was happening and why. We have an understanding that he'll let me know if my father is at death's door and that he won't judge me if I conclude I can't be there. Knowing what my parents have done, he gets it. I'm lucky to have a relative who understands.


If you do disengage from parents I recommend you do your best not to let it destroy all of your familial relationships. It takes extra effort to stay in touch with cousins, aunts, and uncles when you're not just showing up at thanksgiving but it can be done and it's worth it.

Curious what happens in the long run when people sever the relationship with their parents. I feel like it's easy to say "cut them off", but much harder to do so in real life. Did you begin talking with them again at some point? Step in when they were truly unable to manage their affairs? If they died, who dealt with all the logistical matters?