I wouldn't give her a dime unless she had major medical issues or was diagnosed with schizophrenia or severe delusions. She needs to put her big girl pants on and you please put those funds in your daughters 529 for college.

Parenting has taught me one irrefutable lesson: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Your answers make me feel so much better. I was feeling like a horrible person for even considering drifting away.

I should clarify that my mom wasn't abusive or anything like that. Just made a lot of irresponsible decisions, didn't model healthy relationships, etc.

You're not at all a horrible person for considering this. Before cutting her off, I would do some research into all the ways she could make it on her own. Is she eligible for any social service type of programs like food stamps, rental assistance or anything like that? Social security disability? If so, once you have all of that information, bundle up it all up - the applications, brochures, and contact information - give it to her and let her know that you're not able (or choose not) to continue to provide assistance to her (after your next monthly payment).

Is she able to work but refuses, or is she underemployed? Is her home/apartment too expensive for her? Does she make poor spending decisions? I would handle that the same way, but maybe refer her to some free consumer counseling center.

If she's not eligible for any type of aid, then review all of her finances before giving her another cent and make up a budget that allows her to live on what she has. My SIL did this for her dad and then told the siblings he's got enough to live on, so basically, he may whine and complain all the time, but he's fine.

between him and his God

I wouldn't say my childhood was difficult. (Although I bet many of you would flip out and cut out the parents completely, given how demanding and fragile many U.S.-born people are.) My adolescence was more so. I was not/not a pleasure to be around, and my parents had significant issues of their own to deal with. Overall, my family environment was pretty toxic and damaged me in more ways than one.

With that being said, I still think my parents did the best they could at the time. No, they were not perfect human beings, and they made grave mistakes. But I also made mistakes in my adulthood, so I kind of know how it goes. I would never do the things my mother did, but I know perfectly well that I come from a very different place saying that. My life worked out in different ways than hers did (a lot of it due to dumb luck and not some sort of achievement of my own), so I have the real choice and the real opportunity to do things differently. In other words, I'm thankful for not walking a mile in my mother's shoes. I forgave and forgot. Life continued to mold her, and she is a different person now. We have a good relationship. I will support her in any way I can, because this is what humans do. We live and die in families.

The same goes for my father, with whom I have little relationship. It was not my choice, and I doubt it's my father's conscious choice either. He has mental health issues, so it's a whole another can of worms. However, I will not abandon him if he ends up needing help. He did the best he could with what he had at the time. I don't feel it's my duty to judge him, that's between me and his God. My job is to have a clear conscience and set a good example for DC.

Anonymous wrote:Define "difficult." What did your mother do that makes you so resentful now. In reality (which does not always coincide with DCUM reality), parents rarely buy adult children houses. Most people cannot afford that. If your family's poverty is the only grudge you hold, you are a waste of skin, OP.

+1 if she "wasn't abusive or anything like that" what is the issue that you would consider cutting her off completely? I think a lot of people might be sympathetic, but there are a lot of parents who don't model healthy relationships or give their children down payments (the only things you've mentioned, so far).

If you don't want to give her money, you are free to stop giving her money without also making her out to be a terrible person (not saying she isn't just we haven't heard specifics.)

Define "difficult." What did your mother do that makes you so resentful now. In reality (which does not always coincide with DCUM reality), parents rarely buy adult children houses. Most people cannot afford that. If your family's poverty is the only grudge you hold, you are a waste of skin, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Only my mother is still living and I haven't spoken to her in over three years. I supported her financially from the time I was 18 until I was 30 years old. She did not work at all during this period and my brother and I were her sole source of income. My life has improved dramatically in so many ways since severing contact and I wish I would've done it much sooner.

A PP here. How did you extricate yourself from the financial obligation? How did your mother react?

My Grandma was a bad parent to my mother. Then she sued my mother and all her siblings for financial support when she finally spent all her large fortune and went bankrupt (her children never saw a penny of that money, even when they were kids and had to share clothes). So my mother and siblings set her up in a humble apartment with nurse visits, maid and cook to the end of her days, because my Grandma was ill, and had never stepped foot in a kitchen. But even though one of my aunts visited her a lot, my mother, who had been one of the most fragile recipients of her bad parenting, did not.

So it's not all or nothing. I do believe we should take care of our parents in their old age if they need it. In a material sense, not necessarily an emotional one if you can't give that. I can't stand my mother, but will support her if she needs it. I will probably not be able to linger too long in her company, though.

And don't compare your parents to other more affluent, more generous, and wiser parents - or who seem to be! It's not fair to anyone involved. You NEVER know what's going on in their private lives. Money often comes with strings attached.

Thanks everyone. Your answers make me feel so much better. I was feeling like a horrible person for even considering drifting away.

I should clarify that my mom wasn't abusive or anything like that. Just made a lot of irresponsible decisions, didn't model healthy relationships, etc.

Only my mother is still living and I haven't spoken to her in over three years. I supported her financially from the time I was 18 until I was 30 years old. She did not work at all during this period and my brother and I were her sole source of income. My life has improved dramatically in so many ways since severing contact and I wish I would've done it much sooner.

I think you should provide the financial support if you are willing and able, but phase her out emotionally if being around her makes you feel bad. You have an obligation to take care of yourself, first and foremost. If you don't, who will?

You don't owe your mother anything. Nothing emotional and nothing financial. Cut her out of your life if she was really that bad then and continues to be that bad now. Focus on being loving to the good people in your life.

None, to both your questions. I haven't seen my mother since I was ... 15 or 16? I then lived with my father until I graduated from high school. We kept in touch but then he got angry about a decision I made with my husband and we haven't talked in about a year. They don't need me to support them.

I think it's your responsibility to be better to your kids than your mom was to you. Why can't your mother work? Perhaps not being able to freeload off you would light a fire under her ass.

How much contact with your parents do you have now? How much do you help support them?

My dad passed away. My mom is still alive. Admittedly she did a better job than my dad but was still a pretty horrible parent and role model in a lot of ways, which is reflected by her current life situation... basically requiring my brother and me to support her if we don't want her out on the street. I'm happy to provide some monetary support but I'm conflicted about how involved to be in her life. I like to think I've build a good life for myself in spite of my difficult upbringing, but being around her brings up all that old anger, resentment, feelings of life not being fair, etc. Friends have parents paying for down payments on fancy houses while I'm paying out to my mom every month to keep her afloat. It's not just about money, but more about sadness for not having a stable family of origin.

Anyway, I digress. Should I cut my mom out more or less because of the damage it does to me? Or it is my responsibility as a daughter to do a better job than she did with me?