She is her age. Nothin' you can do about it.

Op you are taking the whole thing way too personally. You are right that your sister needs to dump this guy, but don't be so harsh. The,saying goes you can't be practical with your emotions. Your sister is caught up. So sure tell her she's wasting her emotions on an unavailable guy with tons of baggage and creating bad karma for herself being the home wrecker, but don't be angry with her.

I know it's painful, OP, but you unless you believe you have a valid shot at changing her mind (and I would try!), then this train wreck is going to continue.

^^
sorry: they absolutely reject deceit and lies.

OP, DH and I had to go through this for YEARS with SIL! Here's my advice: keep your sister and her BF away from the kids. It's one thing to put with your sister's self-imposed drama yourself, but it's really unfair to impose her and her BF on your kids -- or even your DH!

I guarantee that this will eventually go south -- and that she'll blame everybody but herself. In the meantime, you can expect meltdowns, scenes, dramatic threats and demands for unconditional acceptance of her lifestyle -- while she condemns yours! OTOH, maybe my SIL was bipolar as well, but let's just say it's safe to assume that in accepting and forgiving her BF for deceit and deciding to become an active, ongoing participant in somebody else's infidelity -- and most likely deceit -- your sister has a few emotional problems too.

Note that this is NOT the same as being openly poly and/or monogamish. I know people who are and the absolute reject deceit and lies. Your sister's BF lives for lies. He probably qualifies as what other DCUM posters would label as narcissistic.

In any case, keep them both at arms' length. You don't have to accept your sister's B.S./denial/immature nonsense as the new normal. She has her own life, and if she wastes years on this guy, she has no right to drag anyone else down with her. This won't have a happy ending, even he marries her, which he wouldn't. If he did, he'd leave her for someone else.

Protect yourself, your marriage and your kids. Keep your relationship with your sister to coffee with her alone or family gatherings with your parents. Never ever let her BF enter your family life in any way.

BTDT! It was an utter waste of time.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.

Op, I was as flighty as they come at that age but since I knew young married moms with small children there is no freakin' way that I would have gone for this. And only after a month. Good grief.

Your sister SHOULD know better. She DOES know better. She is being profoundly self centered and short sighted and entitled. But it is her life and she is allowed to mess it up.

Anonymous wrote:Hate? Really? I reserve hate for those who have truly wronged me and even though, hate puts out such a negative vibe - that I just prefer just not to go there.

You don't agree with her decisions. I get that. Have you looked deeper at this - you are taking pretty personally. Are you worried about your husband doing this to you? Instead of sounding so judgmental, maybe have a good heart to heart (and leave your own insecurities aside). Some women will do ANYTHING for men and will buy whatever BS they sell. You and I know he is stringing her along. Help her to become a better person. Help her to realize that she is rationalizing.

OP again.

No, but my best friend's husband cheated on her and I personally witnessed the heartache and devastation that it brought to - not just her - but their whole family.

You are right that hate is too strong of a word. I don't hate her. I hate her behavior.

OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.

Hate? Really? I reserve hate for those who have truly wronged me and even though, hate puts out such a negative vibe - that I just prefer just not to go there.

You don't agree with her decisions. I get that. Have you looked deeper at this - you are taking pretty personally. Are you worried about your husband doing this to you? Instead of sounding so judgmental, maybe have a good heart to heart (and leave your own insecurities aside). Some women will do ANYTHING for men and will buy whatever BS they sell. You and I know he is stringing her along. Help her to become a better person. Help her to realize that she is rationalizing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is much younger than me (same parents, but just a very large age gap), and she just learned that her "boyfriend" of one month is married and has a young child. Essentially, the guy's wife saw the texts between her husband and my sister and called him out on it and then she called my sister and told her that the man she has been seeing actually has a family and she asked that my sister please leave them alone. My sister was initially disgusted, felt betrayed, and was saddened but, since then, the guy has called her on his work phone and "apologized" and said that his wife is a horrible person and he's moving out and my sister is the love of his life and he can't live without her. I initially felt bad for my sister but since that conversation with him, she is now saying things like, well, if he does move out, I guess I can talk to him and his wife is so terrible and blah blah blah.

I'm so disgusted by her right now. She has known this guy for ONE MONTH. I don't care what type of connection they have. He is married and has a young child. It's just so appalling. I can't even be near her. She sees me (same age as this man's wife) with my husband and my young child and the fact that she can even take this man's calls now knowing that he has a family is just so abhorrent to me. It just shows a total lack of self-respect on her part that she is even entertaining the thought of talking to someone who lied so much to her and who is, undoubtedly, going to do the very same thing to her eventually. To me, this would all be such a turn off. Not only that the man is married with a kid, but also that he is so willing to just abandon them at the drop of a hat because of a one month young relationship with some girl.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should try to talk some sense into her to get her to forget about this guy and move on or whether I should completely just wash my hands of it. I've already told her everything I wrote in the paragraph above. I asked her how she would feel if someone did that to me or to our mother or to her when she was older and married and had a child. I told her karma was a bitch and she'd be punished a thousand times over if she continued a relationship with this man knowing that he has a family. I just don't know what to do.

How old is she? She may still be at the age where she thinks she is "special". Yes, WE realize that she is getting played, and that the whole "my wife is crazy/mean/horrible/etc" is typical. You have said your piece. Don't let this kill your relationship.

Many, MANY women have been in her shoes, and realized later how unbelievable STUPID it was. She doesn't really need you piling on, telling her she is shitty. I know you can look from the outside and see how ridiculous this is - but this is a part of growing up for some people. I bet she is thinking that he looooooooves her - he is willing to leave his *wife* for her! His terrible, awful, no-good wife!

+1 your sister is naive and young. She just got dumped in a horrible way (finding out he is married) and now there's a chance she won't be dumped and humiliated (him calling her and trying to "fix it"). Look, we all know how this ends, but your sister might have to learn this lesson on her own. Don't ruin your relationship with her because she is young and struggling. For her, the wife/child is an abstract.

She's really young. You said your piece and now have to let her make this mistake.

Anonymous wrote:She is much younger than me (same parents, but just a very large age gap), and she just learned that her "boyfriend" of one month is married and has a young child. Essentially, the guy's wife saw the texts between her husband and my sister and called him out on it and then she called my sister and told her that the man she has been seeing actually has a family and she asked that my sister please leave them alone. My sister was initially disgusted, felt betrayed, and was saddened but, since then, the guy has called her on his work phone and "apologized" and said that his wife is a horrible person and he's moving out and my sister is the love of his life and he can't live without her. I initially felt bad for my sister but since that conversation with him, she is now saying things like, well, if he does move out, I guess I can talk to him and his wife is so terrible and blah blah blah.

I'm so disgusted by her right now. She has known this guy for ONE MONTH. I don't care what type of connection they have. He is married and has a young child. It's just so appalling. I can't even be near her. She sees me (same age as this man's wife) with my husband and my young child and the fact that she can even take this man's calls now knowing that he has a family is just so abhorrent to me. It just shows a total lack of self-respect on her part that she is even entertaining the thought of talking to someone who lied so much to her and who is, undoubtedly, going to do the very same thing to her eventually. To me, this would all be such a turn off. Not only that the man is married with a kid, but also that he is so willing to just abandon them at the drop of a hat because of a one month young relationship with some girl.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should try to talk some sense into her to get her to forget about this guy and move on or whether I should completely just wash my hands of it. I've already told her everything I wrote in the paragraph above. I asked her how she would feel if someone did that to me or to our mother or to her when she was older and married and had a child. I told her karma was a bitch and she'd be punished a thousand times over if she continued a relationship with this man knowing that he has a family. I just don't know what to do.

How old is she? She may still be at the age where she thinks she is "special". Yes, WE realize that she is getting played, and that the whole "my wife is crazy/mean/horrible/etc" is typical. You have said your piece. Don't let this kill your relationship.

Many, MANY women have been in her shoes, and realized later how unbelievable STUPID it was. She doesn't really need you piling on, telling her she is shitty. I know you can look from the outside and see how ridiculous this is - but this is a part of growing up for some people. I bet she is thinking that he looooooooves her - he is willing to leave his *wife* for her! His terrible, awful, no-good wife!

You have told her how you feel, there is not much else to say or do. I understand why you are taking this personally, but you say she is young and she may truly be struggling so cut her some slack.

Either the guy will move out of the house (unlikely) and date your sister or he won't in which case your sister will really need you to support her, not say "I told you so". You can be firm with your beliefs that is is a mistake and that you feel this guy is no good but it won't help your relationship any to make her feel worse about it.

She sounds like a complete dingbat. An insensitive and immature dingbat. I'm sorry.

She is much younger than me (same parents, but just a very large age gap), and she just learned that her "boyfriend" of one month is married and has a young child. Essentially, the guy's wife saw the texts between her husband and my sister and called him out on it and then she called my sister and told her that the man she has been seeing actually has a family and she asked that my sister please leave them alone. My sister was initially disgusted, felt betrayed, and was saddened but, since then, the guy has called her on his work phone and "apologized" and said that his wife is a horrible person and he's moving out and my sister is the love of his life and he can't live without her. I initially felt bad for my sister but since that conversation with him, she is now saying things like, well, if he does move out, I guess I can talk to him and his wife is so terrible and blah blah blah.

I'm so disgusted by her right now. She has known this guy for ONE MONTH. I don't care what type of connection they have. He is married and has a young child. It's just so appalling. I can't even be near her. She sees me (same age as this man's wife) with my husband and my young child and the fact that she can even take this man's calls now knowing that he has a family is just so abhorrent to me. It just shows a total lack of self-respect on her part that she is even entertaining the thought of talking to someone who lied so much to her and who is, undoubtedly, going to do the very same thing to her eventually. To me, this would all be such a turn off. Not only that the man is married with a kid, but also that he is so willing to just abandon them at the drop of a hat because of a one month young relationship with some girl.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should try to talk some sense into her to get her to forget about this guy and move on or whether I should completely just wash my hands of it. I've already told her everything I wrote in the paragraph above. I asked her how she would feel if someone did that to me or to our mother or to her when she was older and married and had a child. I told her karma was a bitch and she'd be punished a thousand times over if she continued a relationship with this man knowing that he has a family. I just don't know what to do.