Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Shame on me?! I was 40 years old, established in my career, had live-in childcare and own a home. At some point you have to sit back and support your child's choices. I don't think it's asking too much of your parents to be happy for you.

Anonymous wrote:It would be a serious stretch. And any hope of meaningful saving for college, retirement, etc... would go out the window. But I feel like that's obvious and I can't point it out in any way that doesn't sound high and mighty.

Just say it. "I will support whatever decision you make. I love you and Chloe and am concerned about both your futures if you stretch your finances to accommodate a second child. Your ability to save for retirement and Chloe's college education. It's a big undertaking."

Anonymous wrote:Can she actually afford to raise two kids?

+1000

Anonymous wrote:When I told my mother I was expecting #2, as a single mother, she said "OMG, OMG, I thought I'd talked you out of that." Don't say that. You can voice your concerns once, and only once, if you can do so in a compassionate manner.

Depending on whether she has frozen embryos "left over," it may not be as time-consuming or expensive to try for a sibling. As for raising two kids, in some ways, having a sibling to play with has eased my parenting demands and the costs (other than childcare) have not risen dramatically.

How old are your kids? Of course it is more expensive to raise more than child. A few costs I can think of (other than childcare): activities, camps, traveling, grocery bill, eating out, entertainment, school fees/supplies/tutoring, COLLEGE.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

She's worried about you and your children. Shame on you for not seeing that.

Agree with pp, you can gently voice your concern once. Then continue to smile and nod.

I'm another single mom of 2. It took my mother three days to congratulate me when I told her about #2. I'm not sure I will ever forget her extended delay when I shared news I was thrilled about.

here=her

I think you have to somehow let her know you all have to provide for your future's first, and any help for here will be very limited. Basically, you have to let her know she's getting cut off -- that may snap here to her senses.

That sounds crass and I fully realize I know nothing of the details -- I say this out of love. Tough love.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments. She wants to try IUI again - no frozen embryos. I'm the guardian if something happens to her... And nervous about that too. Part of me thinks her chances are so low -- but it did work easily two years ago. If she tries and fails I think she'll feel like at least she tried to give her DD a sibling. I point out that we can ensure a close cousin relationship instead, though of course I know it's not the same.

Has your sister designated a guardian for her child? Would that person be able to take on a second child? Does she have life insurance? My bet is she does not. My SIL was in the same position and ended up declaring bankrupcy after the second was a few months old. She was faced with being evicted from their home any day. Then she unexpectedly passed away. No one can take both young children so her mom is barely managing, with other family subsidizing a larger home and round-the-clock nannies. Your sister is being utterly foolish and putting her children at risk.

I agree it might not be that expensive if she has the embryos already. Do you know what she has?

I can definitely empathize with her. I just had my second child and it was an incredibly long and expensive process. But I so desperately wanted her, I did a lot of things I would have previously thought were a bad idea. It was a humbling experience. I just wanted her so badly, stuff like retirement savings meant nothing to me, even though I'm normally very financially prudent.

Don't forget to consider your niece's interests here-- a sibling can be an amazing thing, and it may make life much easier for her when caring for her mother as an adult. You can borrow money for college, but the opportunity to have a sibling is only in the present.

Why is your sister's financial situation so bad? Would she be able to manage if she tried, or is she an over-spender? I do think it's obvious to point out that trying for another kid will cost money, but maybe you could steer your sister to some professional financial advice. Sometimes it's easier to hear a reality check from someone who isn't a relative, and it's often a lot more persuasive.

When I told my mother I was expecting #2, as a single mother, she said "OMG, OMG, I thought I'd talked you out of that." Don't say that. You can voice your concerns once, and only once, if you can do so in a compassionate manner.

Depending on whether she has frozen embryos "left over," it may not be as time-consuming or expensive to try for a sibling. As for raising two kids, in some ways, having a sibling to play with has eased my parenting demands and the costs (other than childcare) have not risen dramatically.

It would be a serious stretch. And any hope of meaningful saving for college, retirement, etc... would go out the window. But I feel like that's obvious and I can't point it out in any way that doesn't sound high and mighty.

Can she actually afford to raise two kids?

My younger sister is a 39 yr old single mom - she's a great mom but in a pretty financially precarious situation. A couple years ago she wanted to go through infertility treatments just to try for a baby. Family was understanding and supportive. Now she has a great kid and wants to try again for a sibling. I care about her and her daughter dearly, but she wants my emotional support (and it seems blessing/encouragement) to try for number 2. To me, that seems like such a bad decision. But I've just nodded and smiled and not said much. It seems like she could blow through a few thousand dollars in a month or two that she totally can't afford just hoping that the rest of the family will provide for her later. What can I say/not say?